Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18







08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Dateline

Keith Morrison....Bill Hader
Ronnie Taylor....Andy Samberg
Sally Bingham....Abby Elliott
Chris Bingham....Kenan Thompson
Carl Collins....Tracy Morgan

[Opens with the Dateline NBC logo. Dramatic music]

Announcer: Tonight at 10, on Dateline NBC. A Keith Morrison Special Investigation. Real Life Crimes Stories of Real Life People in Bad Situations.

[cut to Keith Morrison on his TV studio]

Keith Morrison: Ronnie Taylor was just a fun loving guy on a Saturday night. Until he pulled in into the wrong place...at the wrong time.

[cut to Keith with Ronnie sitting on a park bench]

Ronnie Taylor: When I walked into the convenience store, I saw it was being held up.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] Oh, no-o-o.

Ronnie Taylor: One of the robbers pointed the gun right at me.

Keith Morrison: [still smirking] O-o-oh.

Ronnie Taylor: And he shot me.

Keith Morrison: Shot you a dirty look?

Ronnie Taylor: No. A bullet through my neck.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

[cut to Keith in the studio]

Keith Morrison: Then the story of Sally and Chris Bingham and how their dream wedding turned into a living nightmare.

[cut to Keith sitting in the Bingham's living room]

Chris Bingham: We just had gotten married...

Keith Morrison: A-a-ah...you liked it, so you put a ring on it.

Chris Bingham: Yeah, I guess.

Sally Bingham: At the reception everyone was dancing and suddenly the whole roof caved in.

Keith Morrison: [still a creepy smile] Oh, no-o-o. Was that suppose to happen?

Chris Bingham: No.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

Sally Bingham: Luckily, no one was killed.

Keith Morrison: [disappointed] Awwww.

Chris Bingham: One guy broke both his legs.

Keith Morrison: [happy creepy again] A-a-a-ah.

[cut to Keith in the studio]

Keith Morrison: And finally, an interview with the face of evil. I sit down with convicted murderer Carl Collins.

[cut to Keith with Carl in a jailhouse interview]

Carl Collins: Yeah, my big thing was that I would take old dudes and kill 'em.

Keith Morrison: O-o-oh. Kill them with kindness?

Carl Collins: No. With an ax.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] O-o-o-oh

Carl Collins: Then I cut 'em up into pieces.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] A-a-a-ah.

Carl Collins: Then I grind 'em up in the meat grinder.

Keith Morrison: [perverse look] Yes!

Carl Collins: Then I put 'em on bread and eat them.

Keith Morrison: I guess you could say you had yourself a man-wich.

Carl Collins: [creepy smile] Ye-e-e-e-eah.

Keith Morrison: [creepy smile] O-o-o-o-oh.

Carl Collins: [relishing on it] O-o-o-o-oh.

Keith Morrison: [loving it] Ye-e-e-e-eah.

[cut to the Dateline logo]

Keith Morrison: Tonight on Dateline.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


SNL Transcripts