08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson
Tracy Morgan's Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Tracy Morgan!
Tracy Morgan: Thank you! Thanks! Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you. [ he quiets the audience down ] Thank you, White People! [ the audience cheers ] It is an HONOR to be here, hosting "Saturday Night Live". I was a cast member on "SNL" for SEVEN years! And, tonight, I'm in more sketches than I ever was in my whole entire seven years on this show! I'm back like Stone Yoses [?], baby!
Things are good for me. I've been doing "30 Rock"... [ the audience cheers ] But, of course, I always have some controversy. You may have seen me on the news recently because my fish tank blew up. But that's an exaggeration. I had an electrical fire in my apartment, which can happen to anyone. But, for some reason, when it happens to me, papers make it sound so GHETTO! Look at these headlines!
[ headline: "Fishy Fire In Comedian's Crib!" ]
Tracy Morgan: Why is it my crib, and not my home? Racist! Or, this one:
[ headline: "Troubled Star Scorches Pad" ]
Tracy Morgan: "Troubled"? You know why I'm troubled? My damn HOUSE burned down!! Or, this one:
[ headline: "Scary Black Man Wrecks House" ]
Tracy Morgan: That was the New York Times! Now, I'm not actually a ridiculous person. This fire could have happened to anyone. I have the pictures to prove it.
[ image: Tracy smiling next to his fish tank ]
Tracy Morgan: Here's me before the fire, just relaxing at home. If I was ghetto, would I have two sharks, eight moray eels, and an illegal boxed jellyfish that I got from an ill Australian dude on the black market? Ghetto? I'd hardly think so!
[ image: Tracy frying chicken in front of the fish tank ]
Tracy Morgan: This was later that evening. I was just relaxing around the house, frying up some chicken legs for the sharks.
[ image: Tracy and his cousin playing Nintendo ]
Tracy Morgan: Then, my cousin Ray-Ray called and asked if I wanted to play some old school Nintendo. I said "Come over around Seven". So he came over around Nine.
[ image: Tracy, his cousin, and a friend holding samurai swords in front of the fish tank and frying chicken ]
Tracy Morgan: Then me, Ray-Ray, and my friend Cheese started to mess around with these samurai swords I bought myself for Christmas. That's not ghetto! That's just ancient!
[ image: the boys discovering a fire near the fish tank ]
Tracy Morgan: And then we smelled fire. So I picked up a phone, and then I dialed 9-1-... 7... 5-5-5, 0-1-9-9. And I told my business manager I needed a new place to live, just like any normal person would have done!
Everyone's okay. The fish are all okay. And I got asked to come here, and do this. So I feel good. [ the audience cheers ] I just want to say Thanks to Lorne Michaels. I wouldn't be here without that dude. He gave me this job! He's my Obi-Wan Kinobi. When I worked here, I used to come up to Lorne every week and be like, "Lorne... how am I doing?" And he would just look at me and say, "Get out of here, I'm pissing!" Nah, I'm just kidding! Come on up here, Lorne! I love you, Lorne!
[ Tracy pulls an elederly stage manager to the stage ]
Tracy Morgan: Lorne Michaels, everybody!
Stage Manager: Tracy, I've been telling you this for thirteen years: I'm a stage manager here! My name is Ted.
Tracy Morgan: [ stunned ] What?! Then, who's Lorne Michaels?!
[ Stage Manager points offstage to reveal Lorne Michaels standing next to Seth Meyers on the High IQ set ]
Tracy Morgan: Oh! That dude? I remember that dude! What are you looking at, Slim?! Get me a soda, BITCH!!
[ Lorne hands his wine glass to Meyers, and handles Tracy's request ]
Tracy Morgan: We've got a great show! Kelly Clarkson is here, so stick around, we'll be right back!