Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18















08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

An SNL Digital Short

.....Bill Hader
.....Andy Samberg
Dude.....Bobby Moynihan
Winners.....Casey Wilson, Abby Elliott
Mr. Personality.....Kenan Thompson
Numbnuts.....John Lutz
Asshole..... Fred Armisen
Bat-Man.....Jason Sudeikis
Tom.....Will Forte

[ Bill Hader and Andy Samberg enter a party scene ]

Bill Hader: I HATE these parties.

Andy Samberg: I know. So lame.

Bill Hader: It's always the same people, man.

Andy Samberg: [ he sighs ] No kidding. [ points ] Look at this dude.

[ reveal a dude entered dressed in guido attire ]

Bill Hader V/O: [ mockingly ] Nice shirt.

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ points ] Oh, check out these winners.

[ reveal two chatty broads, dressed almost indentical ]

Winner #2: [ waving her hands ] It's hot!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Ah, here we go -- look at these jokers.

[ cut to three guys dressed as the Joker from Bat-Man ]

Bill Hader V/O: They're tight!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: Oh, boy -- [ points ] Check out Mr. Personality.

[ cut to black man wearing a "Mr. Personality" sash ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Why do we keep coming to these things?

Bill Hader: I don't know.

Andy Samberg: [ points ] Yeah, look at this numbnuts.

[ show man sitting on a block of ice with his pants pulled down ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ points ] Check out that terd-burglar.

[ show masked man reaching into a toilet ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Hey, look at that guy.

[ show empty bathrobe hanging on the wall ]

Bill Hader V/O: No, I think it's pronounced "Gee".

Andy Samberg V/O: Well, look at that Gee.

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look at those sonsofbitches.

[ reveal a litter of puppies on a chair ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Those guys are so baked.

[ reveal gingerbread men inside an oven ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: It's a real sausage-fest.

[ reveal a pair of German men dancing with sausage links ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Look at that knucklehead.

[ reveal a face-painted hand ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ waving ] Hey there, Cowboy!

[ reveal a man wearing a cow head waving back with a "Moo-oo!" ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: It's What's-His-Face.

[ reveal man with a blurred face ]

What's-His-Face: Hi!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Check out this asshole.

[ reveal Asshole frowning ]

Asshole: Not cool!

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Look what the cat dragged in. [ he holds up a mouse by its tail ]

Bill Hader: Check out that hot piece of ass.

[ reveal what looks like a meaty piece of ass cooking on the stove ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: Here comes the cavalry.

[ reveal a group of soldiers marching, with bugles blowing ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: [ pointing ] Look who decided to show his face!

[ reveal a man in Bat-Man costume sans mask, as one of the Jokers pounds him with a board ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ pointing ] Look at these motherf--kers.

[ reveal three young dudes with their arms wrapped around three older ladies ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man... I can't believe they let Tom here. That guy's a cereal rapist.

[ reveal Tom in a bathroom, going at it with a box of Alpha-bits. He huts the door. ]

[ cut back to Bill and Andy ]

Bill Hader: This party BLOWS!

Andy Samberg: [ looking ] Oh, man... check out these douchebags.

[ reveal their reflection in a mirror ]

Bill Hader: [ with a heavy sigh ] That's us.

[ cut to black ]


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