Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 18







08r: Tracy Morgan / Kelly Clarkson

Scared Straight

Lorenzo MacIntosh....Kenan Thompson
Kendrick McIntyre....Tracy Morgan
Officer....Jason Sudeikis
Teen 1....Bill Hader
Teen 2....Andy Samberg
Teen 3....Bobby Moynihan

(Opens with a shot of a police station. Cut to an interrogation room. An officer is sitting casually on his desk in front of the three seated teens)

Officer: All right, tough guys. So you think underage drinking is cool? The next time I catch you with beers in public, you´re gonna be drinking from a public fountain in juvie. You hear me?!

All three: (low voice) Yes, officer.

Officer: You know, you don´t seem to get the message. So this time I invited 2 representatives from the Scared Straight program come talk to you punks. They´re inmates over on Larchmont Maximum Security Prison and they´re here to warn you about the dangers of a criminal lifestyle. MacIntosh! McIntyre! You wanna get in here!

(Enters Lorenzo MacIntosh with his brown prison uniform, black do-rag and weight lifting belt on. With him enters another black tough con with an afro and handlebar mustache)

Kendrick McIntyre: YEAH!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right!! Here we comes!!

(They look at the teens with feral intensity)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: ON YOUR FEET!

(Teens get up)

Kendrick McIntyre: SIT DOWN!!

(Teens sit down)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: MAN, I SAID ON YOUR FEET!!

(Teens get up)

Kendrick McIntyre: MAN, SIT YOUR ASS DOWN!!

(Teens sit down)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. My name is Lorenzo MacIntosh.

Kendrick McIntyre: And I´m Kendrick McIntyre.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: But our friends call us Double Big Mac´s.

Kendrick McIntyre: Cause we ate all the regular menu, DIG??!!

(Teens are more confused than scared)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. What they do this time? You know, let me get up in this file cabinet...(opens file cabinet)

Officer: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa...(closes the file cabinet on Lorenzo) Come on, MacIntosh, you´re not allowed in there.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick put their palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh, hey, I´m sorry chief. I get it. I do the dance, you just got to show me the moves.

Officer: We caught these kids drinking beer outside Pabst-mart.

Kendrick McIntyre: Ah, getting drunk in public, huh? That´s how it starts, getting drunk. And guess where it ends up? (flailing his arms over his head wildly) On monkeys with your face OFF!!!

Teen 3: How would that happen?

Lorenzo MacIntosh: (seeing red) Hey!! (grabs the teen by his tennis shoe, yanks it from his foot and throws it to the ground) Shut your damn MOUTH!! What? You think I never drink? Oh, I drank all right. And then right before my wedding my best friend took me on a tour through wine country. Yeah, I kept tasting different wines and then pretty soon I was cheating on my fiancee with some Asian lady. Is that what you want?! Hmmm?! The Asian lady from "Grey´s Anatomy" punching you in the face!! CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!

Teen 2: Isn´t that the plot of the movie "Sideways"?

(Lorenzo and Kendrick get menacingly close to the teen, rough him up some)

Kendrick McIntyre: Hey! Boy, you better watch yourself or you gonna find yourself sideways on a prison bathroom floor!!!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, you´ll be tasting a variety of liquids all right. But you ain´t gonna be drinking outta no glass!! The only thing you´ll be swishing around in your mouth is "penis noir"!!

Officer: Hey! Ho! No, no! MacIntosh, McIntyre, come on, guys! You can´t say stuff like that!

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Kendrick McIntyre: Hey, my bad, chief.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Hey, here´s the boundary, we overstepped it. Ha,ha. And why you kids drinking beers?

Teen 1: Bored.

Teen 2: Yeah, we´re stuck in this stupid town.

Kendrick McIntyre: Oh, you think you´re stuck in a small town?! One time I was stuck in a town so bad I felt like I was reliving the same day over and over again! Pretty soon I was so crazy I kidnapped the Ferris groundhog and drove it over a cliff!!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Is that what you want?! A murder-suicide with Punxsatowney Phil?! CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!

Teen 3: Yeah, I think that´s the plot to "Groundhog Day".

(Lorenzo and Kendrick are furious, Lorenzo paces up and down punching his fist into his hand, hand five´s Kendrick. They get menacingly close to the teen)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh! Boy, you better keep your damn mouth SHUT!! Or the only small town you´ll be stuck in is a PRISON!! And you´ll be dealing with a hog, all right. But this hog ain´t gonna pop outta the ground. Its gonna pop outta the hole in your cellmate´s pants!!!

Kendrick McIntyre: Yeah, and it doesn´t matter if he sees a shadow. It ain´t gonna be springtime, it's gonna be ding-a-ling time!

Officer: Hey, no, no. Both of you, come on! Good Lord.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Oh, hey, hey. That´s on us, chief.

Kendrick McIntyre: Yeah, we strike a pose, you just lay down the twister mac.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: All right. Which one of you is the ringleader?

(Teen 1 and 3 point towards teen 2. Kendrick grabs teen 2 by his shirt, lifts him up)

Kendrick McIntyre: Get your ass up! Now, where did you get the beer from, Bob Dylan?

Teen 2: Nowhere.

Kendrick McIntyre: Oh, you like secrets, huh? I had a secret once. I had an alien in my bedroom. Pretty soon it was eating my Reese's´s pieces and making long distance phone calls!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Is that what you want?! Huh?! The government chasing you and you have to fly away in a bicycle!

Lorenzo and Kendrick: CAUSE THIS HERE IS REAL!!!

Teen 1: (gets up laughing) Ok, that´s "E.T.", guys.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick scream in fury madness. They sit the teen roughly, get violently close. Lorenzo puts his fist up to the teen's face. Now, Kenan as Lorenzo decides to play with Bill Hader and touches his lips softly making Bill Hader crack up. Tracy cracks him up further by touching Bill's nose softly)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Shut up!! Boy, you keep up that attitude and the only alien visitor you'll be dealing with is a 300 pound Mexican dude!! And he's gonna have a long, skinny finger all right, but it ain't gonna be on his hand.

Kendrick McIntyre: And you'll get the Reese's pieces but won't follow, you'll follow to the hospital and say "I need a new ASS!!!"

Officer: Oh, no way, no way! You cannot say that to kids....or adults.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick palms up)

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Yeah, even I know that was way too far.

Officer: Ok, guys. You both need to leave. Ok, now.

Kendrick McIntyre: That's cool.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: Just remember, you want to booze it up? They gonna knock you down.

Officer: That's right.

Kendrick McIntyre: You want to break the rules? You gonna get broken!

Lorenzo MacIntosh: You want to pound beers? They gonna pound your rears! Now, imagine a beer can...now, imagine something the size of a beer can.

Officer: Hey, hey. MacIntosh, Good Lord! Come on, man.

Kendrick McIntyre: We out.

Lorenzo MacIntosh: (as he goes) A beer can.(Kendrick makes a hole with his hands, points to the teens)

Officer: Oh, we get it, we get it. Let's go, let's go.

(Lorenzo and Kendrick leave. Officer jumps back on the desk and slams his ass hard on it. Jason Sudeikis stifles a laugh)

Officer: You boys learned your lesson?

(Bill, Andy and Bobby all have smiles on their faces, they're about to crack up laughing. Teens nod no with their heads)

Officer: Yeah, I didn't think so.

Teen 3: Hey, (cracking up, points out the window) they're escaping in your car!

Officer: Come on, come on. You think I'm gonna fall for that? That's impossible. I got the keys right here. (pulls out from his pocket a big key chain that says SUCKA) Wait a second, I'll be right back. (runs out of the room)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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