Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 19







08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

Muppets Hit & Run

Beaker.....Kristen Wiig
Swedish Chef.....Andy Samberg
Animal.....Bill Hader
Janice.....Michaela Watkins
Zoot.....Fred Armisen
Fozzy Bear.....Jason Sudeikis
Gonzo.....Bobby Moynihan
Kermit the Frog.....Will Forte
Rolf.....Seth Rogen
Policeman.....Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, scene of the bus traveling down the road in "The Muppet Movie" ]

[ dissolve to interior of bus, with Beaker, Swedish Chef, Animal, Janice, Zoot, Fozzy Bear, Gonzo, Kermit the Frog, and Rolf singing "Movin' Right Along" ]

Rolf: Great song, gang!

Swedish Chef: Borgie borg!

Kermit the Frog: You said it, Chef!

Gonzo: Friends, fun, and song -- that's what it's all about!

[ Animal gets excited in the background ]

Rolf: Animal! Calm down back there!

Kermit the Frog: Oh, Rolf! Look out!

[ Rolf jerks the wheel, causing the bus to bounce as it rolls over a body. Everyone is shell-shocked ]

Gonzo: Oh, my God! I -- I think we hit someone!

Rolf: No... no. Weeeee didn't hit, uh, anything!

Kermit the Frog: Uh, Rolf? We should stop.

Rolf: [ shaking his head ] Nope! We're not stopping!

Gonzo: There's blood all over the hood!

[ Animal panics in the background ]

Janice: Yeah. I'm freakin' out, here.

[ a police siren sounds in the background ]

Kermit the Frog: Oh, no! It's the fuzz! I -- I told you we shuld have stopped.

Rolf: Listen, Kermit -- go play your banjo! I've got this!

Kermit the Frog: Fine. But you're taking the hit,

Fozzy Bear: Wow, Kermit! You really "threw him under the bus" on that one! Wacka-wacka-wacka!

Gonzo: Too soon, Fozzy.

[ Animal gets excited in the background, as Rolf pulls over ]

Rolf: Okay! It's crunch time, gang! Does anyone have anything illegal on them?

[ Animal lifts a pile of dynamite and a bag of cocaine ]

Animal: Boom boom, sniff sniff!

Fozzy Bear: [ lifts a large screw ] We're screwed, ha haaa!

[ Beaker panics in the background ]

Gonzo: Aw, man! Beaker's freaking out!

[ the Swedish Chef tries to calm Beaker down to no avail, so he slaps him across the face ]

Sweish Chef: Smorgie... smorg!

[ Beaker relaxes ]

Rolf: He's coming! Listen up! THIS is what went down: We were singing and being friends. That's it! Nothing happened! Got it? Everyone: GOT IT!!!

Rolf: Good! Act natural!

[ everyone assumes a natural pose, as a policeman played by Nipsey Russell enters the bus ]

Policeman: Well, well, well! If it isn't the Muppets!

EVeryone: NIPSEY RUSSELL!!

Policeman: [ reciting ] "There once was a bus full of creatures --"

[ a shot rings out; the policeman doubles over ]

Policeman: OW!!

[ everyone looks up to discover that Zoot is holding a shotgun ]

Policeman: You shot me!

[ the policeman stumbles out of the bus ]

Zoot: If anyone has a problem with what just happened... say it now!

[ everyone hsakes their head no, scared out of their wits ]

Kermit the Frog: Floor it!

[ Rolf peels out ]

Rolf: Well, gang... looks like we're off to Mexico!

[ everyone breaks into the chorus from the "Muppet Show" theme ]

[ the policeman reappears in the back window, chasing after them. The Muppets scream ]

[ fade ]


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