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  Season 34: Episode 19







08s: Seth Rogen / Phoenix

A Special Address From the President of the United States

President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen

[ open on presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is a Special Address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated in Oval Office replica ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am speaking to you tonight from EUROPE! And, as you've probably heard... they all went NUTS for me! [ he smiles with grandiose confidence ] It was almost scary.

But, tonight, I'd like to focus on the... American economy. Earlier this week, my administration issued a major decision regarding the federal bailout of automakers Chrysler and General Motors. We announced that as a condition of future government assistance, Chrsyler must complete its merger with Fiat in the next thirty days. And GM must both replace its CEO, Rick Wagoner, and outline a new plan to achieve solvency within sixty days. Otherwise, all federal funding will be... cut off.

Now, some have suggested that these demands are UNFAIR! They feel that the auto industry is being singled out for PUNISHMENT! And held to a higher standard than other sectors of the U.S. ECONOMY! Not so. Let me assure you, in the days ahead, my administration intends to do to every industry in this country EXACTLY what we are doing to the auto makers! When we're finished, every corporation in America will have been thoroughly vetted for fiscal soundness! Those judged best able to compete in the global economy will be offered a government subsidy. The others will be asked to seize operations AT ONCE! And go out of business. We hope they will do so voluntarily. If not, they will be shut BY FORCE!

Here are some we've decided on so far:

In the category of riding lawnmowers:

  • It's John Deere: YES.
  • Toro: NO.

    Air conditioners:
  • Lennox: Congratulations, you made the grade.
  • Carrier: I'm sorry. It's not working out.

    Blue jeans:
  • Levi: YES.
  • Wrangler: NOPE.

    Coffemakers:
  • KitchenAid: YES, excellent work.
  • Mr. Coffee: Sorry, I'm just not seeing it.

    Light bulbs:
  • General Electric: That's a YES.
  • Sylvania: Regretfully, NO.

    Recliner chairs:
  • La-Z-Boy: YES, provided you reduce your carbon footprint.
  • BarcaLounger: I'm sorry, NO. But you had a good run there.

    Baseball mitts:
  • Rawlings: Way to go, you hung in there.
  • Wilson: You did not.

    Now, toothpaste, I went back and forth on this:
  • Colgate: YES.
  • Crest: NO.
  • Pepsodent: For now, YES, but we really need to see some improvement in the company magazine, and soon.

    Frozen shrimp:
  • Gorton's of Gloucester: YES.
  • Mrs. Paul's: NO, absolutely not.

    Ballpoint pens:
  • Paper Mate: You made it, although some of the activity at your company Christmas party we feel crossed the line.
  • BIC: I hope you'll understand, but NOPE.

    Trench coats:
  • Burberry: YES.
  • Aquascutum: Surprisingly, NO.

    Plastic vomit:
  • Jolly Time Corporation: Yes.
  • Fun-Co Novelties: NO.

    Window shades:
  • Levolor: Congratulations, YES.
  • Comfortex: I'm sorry. It's not you. It's not me. It's just the situation.

    Men's briefs:
  • Hanes: YES.
  • Munsingwear: YES, but Munsingwear, your CEO has got to get a new suit. That's non-negotiable.
  • Fruit of the Loom: I feel awful about this, but NO. There was nothing I could do.

    Colleges:
  • Arizona State: YES.
  • University of Arizona: I am sorry. I honestly thought it would go the other way.

    National Football League:
  • New York Giants: YES.
  • Dallas Cowboys: YES.
  • Pittsburgh Steelers: NO. If it's any consolation, I'm probably as surprised as you are.

    Stroke magazines:
  • Playboy: YES.
  • Hustler: YES.
  • Penthouse: NO. Incidentally, to former President Clinton: Thanks for all your work on this.

    And finally, soft drinks:
  • Coke: YES, you made it.
  • Pepsi: You, as well.
  • 7-UP... I'm sorry. You should have seen this coming.

    These are just a few of the determinations we have made so far. For the rest, and for new rulings as they are announced, please visit our website at www.toughbastard.org.

    So, thank you for your attention. May God bless America. And "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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