Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 20






08t: Zac Efron / Yeah Yeah Yeahs

A Message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers

David Pappas.....Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: [ over title card ] "A message from the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The "Junk Mail" People."

[ dissolve to footage of forest land ]

David Pappas: [ enters frame ] When you look at this, what do you see? A forest? Well, at the Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers, we see something FAR more wonderful: we see 250 million pre-approved credit card offers... [ he holds up a credit card offer ] 100 million Radio Shack circulars... [ he holds up the circulars ] or 6,000 tons of Sharper Image catalogs. [ he holds up the catalogs ] And, if you ask us, that beats a forest any day!

Announcer: [ over title card ] "But isn't junk mail a waste of money?"

[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]

David Pappas: First of all, we don't like the term "junk mail." We prefer to call it "free mail"... or "fun, surprise mail"! Now, as to... [ makes quotes sign ] "junk mail" being wasteful -- that is a complete myth. What people don't realize is that junk mail is massively subsidized by the federal government!

[ show chart: "U.S. House of Representatives Subcommittee on the Post Office" ]

Because of our campaign contributions to key members of Congress, I'm proud to say that we can send out 500,000 Dell catalogs for the cost of a single First-Class stamp! The true cost... is paid by taxpayers. So, wasteful? [ chuckles lightly ] Not from our perspective!

And as for the trees involved? Please understand: we didn't have to pay to grow them! They were growing anyway! Many for hundreds of years!

Announcer: [ over title card ] "How does my name get on a mailing list?"

[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]

David Pappas: For consumers, THAT'S the best part! Yuo don't have to do a THING! Whenever you open a bank account, register to vote, rent an apartment, used car, buy a car, have your phone conversations monitored by the Department of Homeland Security -- whatever! We get ALL your personal information, AUTOMATICALLY!

From there, we do all the work. Let's say we're looking at your private personal data, and we see that you're a young woman who'se been treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Like, for example: Allison Schweitzer, of 1512 Marvin Ave. in Eau claire, Wisconsin. [ show her photo ] We might decide, hey... here's someone who would enjoy receiving the Victoria's Secret catalog. [ he holds up the catalog ] Or... a free issue of Pierced Lifestyle Magazine. [ he holds up the magazine ] Allison doesn't have to lift a finger. She can just sit back and watch the mail roll in! An amount she can only dream of!

[ footage of a monuntain of mail tumbling onto her den ]

Announcer: [ over title card ] "With your organization having access to all this data on private individuals, isn't there a danger of identity theft?"

[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]

David Pappas: Look. Let's be frank. We sell your personal imfornation to SO many different outsider groups, we can't be expected to couch for ALL of them. But, in our experience, better than 80% -- 4 out of 5 -- are ABSOLUTELY honest. And when we send out that data -- such as credit card numbers, Social Security numbers, psychiatric records, mother's maiden name, ATM pin number, etc. -- we're careful to add a note: "Warning: Not To Be Used For Identity Theft."

Announcer: [ over title card ] "Thak you for your frank answers to all my questions. I appreciate your taking the time, and keep up the good work!"

[ dissolve to Pappas in his office ]

David Pappas: Not at all. That's what we're here for.

Announcer: [ over title card ] "The Alliance of Direct Mail Marketers. The more you know about us, the more you like us."

[ fade ]


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