Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 34: Episode 21

08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara


Immigrant #1.....Bobby Moynihan
Immigrant #2.....Casey Wilson
Immigrant #3.....Will Forte
Immigrant #4.....Bill Hader
Cornelius Timberlake.....Justin Timberlake
Moyshe Samberg.....Andy Samberg

[ Open on black and white footage of a boat sailing next to Ellis Island words at bottom of screen read ďNew York Harbor, 1883Ē ]

Immigrant #1: [with Irish accent] Oh look, Ellis Island! The new world is upon us! I can smell it in me nose!

Immigrant #2: Just think of it, a chance to start a new life for our children.

Immigrant #3: And our childrenís children.

Immigrant #4: Why, someday I hope that me own great, great grandson might own his own land.

Immigrant #2: I hope my great, great grandson will be a doctor.

Immigrant #1: What about you, Cornelius Timberlake? What do you think your great, great grandson will be like?

Cornelius Timberlake: Well, I know heíll be very handsome. And heíll be a millionaire.

Immigrant #1: A millionaire? From fur trapping?

Immigrant #4: From coal?

Cornelius: No, from popular songs.

Immigrant #3: What sort of songs could make a man millions?

Cornelius: Oh I donít know. Something like [singing] "cry me a river."

Immigrant #3: So... heíll be a girl?

Cornelius: NO, thatís a perfectly normal way for a man to sing! Heíll be world famous by the age of 16.

Immigrant #2: Oh, by 16? How?

Cornelius: At a young age, heíll go to work with a band of boys.

Immigrant #4: Like a sweatshop?

Cornelius: Sort of. Sort of like a sweatshop. Then I imagine heíll branch out on his own. Growing more and more handsome every day. Heíll strut about in tiny vests, thin ties, and outdated hats.

Immigrant #2: Oh that will look dreadful!

Cornelius: No, on him it will work!

Immigrant #4: That will probably frustrate huggar maiden.

Cornelius: Aye. Tíwill. I actually dream of a day when my great, great grandson will... bring sexy back.

Immigrant #1: Bring-bring sexy back, what does that mean?

Cornelius: Itíll be gone and heíll bring it back!

Immigrant #3: Where did it go?

Cornelius: Just trust me, people will be on board. Okay?

Immigrant #2: Well it sounds like heíll have his pick of the ladies.

Cornelius: Aye. Indeed. Iíd like to think that at first, heíll date a popular female singer. Publicly, they claim to be virgins but, privately, he hit it.

[audience screams with laughter as Justin glances around, raises his eyebrows, closes his eyes and shakes his head]

Then-then, heíll make love with women so beautiful and so often, that it wonít be enough for him, and heíll, I donít know maybe try some stuff with guys. I mean heíll be straight! But, uh, well, never mind, forget that part, everything else will come true but forget that part. His life is going to be a nonstop orgy of fame and money. Heíll sing! Heíll dance! Heíll act! Heíll even make surprise appearances on a Saturday night comedy show! There will be great excitement. And then heíll appear. Again and again. Many times a year.

Immigrant #1: Wonít that lessen the excitement, though?

Cornelius: Nooo!!!! No!! Right? Itíll be good, right?

[a Jewish-looking man walks in]

Moyshe Samberg: [with Jewish accent] Ohhhh, it will be good!

[audience cheers]

Cornelius: Who are you?

Moyshe Samberg: My name is Moyshe Samberg. Your prediction has inspired me. Maybe someday my great, great grandson will also make songs.

Immigrant #2: Well, do you think heíll have a beautiful voice?

Moyshe Samberg: Ehhh, heíll have a voice! A fine, workable voice, you know? Itíll be more about charisma with him. And maybe, in this new land of opportunity, our grandsons will collaborate.

Cornelius: You know what Jew?

Moyshe Samberg: THERE IT IS!

Cornelius: Youíre all right.

Immigrant #1: To the new world!

[everyone cheers and raises their fists]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Katie

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