Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 21





08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara

Plasticville

Dancing Mascot.....Justin Timberlake
Spokesperson.....Will Forte

FADE IN:

[ EXT. PLASTIC SURGERY CLINIC – DAY ]

A SPOKESPERSON, dressed as a five-pound barbell, hands out pamphlets.

Spokesperson: [singing]
"It's time to take some steps
(Think its time to take some steps)
Building up your small biceps
Work out, right now – right now
At Lifters!" (speaking) Hey everybody! Forget plastic surgery - - get yourself across the street and check out the grand opening of Lifter Fitness! We got awesome machines, English-speaking trainers, and a crazy amount of Purell: so you won’t get the “swing” flu. You’re gonna look so hot! Your friends are gonna think you got plastic surgery!

Dancing Mascot (V/O): Did somebody say plastic surgery!?

[ A DANCING MASCOT, dressed as a 34 DD breast implant, moves on in and sets down a small boombox. He hits the PLAY button. INSTRUMENTAL HIP-HOP music plays. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“Up one size now
Ready to inject now
I think I can get good look down
I feel you creeping,
And you think I’m looking nasty
Wanna draw with the blue magic Genie
And give you a good ol’ round of plastic
Snip that
I got a big ol’ nose
Tuck that
I got some jelly rolls
Nip that
I got some fugly toes
Just bring it on down to Plasticville!”
(speaking) Uh, look, no offense Barbell, but you’re sort of trespassing.

Spokesperson: Hey! It’s a sidewalk and this is America.

Dancing Mascot: Why don’t you stand on your sidewalk over there?

Spokesperson: Because a dog lit a hot one and it’s making me sick.

Dancing Mascot: Well, this is my spot. I work here.

Spokesperson: Well, we all work. And I’m about to work IT right now!

[ The spokesperson starts humming “The Addams Family” theme. ]

Spokesperson: [singing]
“Da-da-dum
Work out!
Da-da-dum
Feel good!
Da-da-dum
Da-da-dum
Da-da-dum
Join Lifters!”

Dancing Mascot: Wow… when does your album drop?

Spokesperson: You know, I’m not gonna take on your sucky energy!

Dancing Mascot: Oh! Suck! That reminds me…

[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY on the boombox. The instrumental music to Kelly Clarkson’s “My Life Would Suck Without You” comes on. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“Maybe you are stupid
For looking at your thighs
Maybe you were wrong
For wearing pants too tight
Because you’re fat is calling me
And for a small fee
I would (I would)
Like for to (Like for to)
To suck it out of you.
All you gotta do is bring in on down to Plasticville!”

Spokesperson: Nice try, but you can call me “The Bus”, because I’m about to take you to school!
[singing]
“Mary had a big, old gut
Big old, gut
She had a big, old gut
Mary had a big, old gut
And now she joined Lifters…
And now she doesn’t have one”

[ A couple passes the spokesperson and they take a pamphlet. ]

Spokesperson: Only at Lifters - - Two for one membership!

Dancing Mascot: We got a two for one special, too!

[ The dancing mascot turns to the spokesperson. ]

Dancing Mascot: Check it, bo-y-y-y!

[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY. The instrumental music for Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” comes on. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“Wish I could change my flat, old chest
And make it bigger than the rest
What?
Implants!
Don’t want to be a cup B
Implants!
A discount if you pre-pay
Implants!!”

[ The dancing mascot moves his arms to mimic shouting then air plays scratching a record. The instrumental music changes to Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face”. ]

Dancing Mascot: We ain’t stopping now!

[ The dancing mascot busts-a-move or two. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“I get real hot
Show him what I got
Just change my
Just change my
Come on and change
My mediocre face
My mediocre face (My mediocre face)
Bring it on down to Plasticville!”

Spokesperson: You know what!? You type really chaffs my quads!

Dancing Mascot: Oh… and what exactly is my type?

Spokesperson: Guys who think they’re cool beans on a sidewalk.

Dancing Mascot: Wow! You’re a bigger boob than me. Why don’t you go find a bench press? To press, because I’ve got business to drum up.

[ The dancing mascot presses PLAY on his boombox. The instrumental music for The Black Eyed Peas “Boom Boom Pow” begins. ]

Dancing Mascot: [singing]
“You want the big ones now
The itty-bity ones are jacking your style
I’m going to improve your swagger
And am gonna draw on you with a Sharpie
Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs
(Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs)
Gotta get those Boom Boom Boobs
Saline will do it
Do it
Bring it on down to Plasticville!”

Spokesperson: Hey guys! Do you wanna look plastic or fantastic!?

[ Another couple walks by and takes a pamphlet. ]

Spokesperson: Join Lifters!

Dancing Mascot: Knock it off, man.

[ The two begin shoving each other back and forth. ]

Spokesperson: No.

Dancing Mascot: Yes.

Spokesperson: No.

Dancing Mascot: Yes.

Spokesperson: No.

Dancing Mascot: No.

Spokesperson: Don’t try to confuse me. U-oh, here comes the steroid side effects. Come on!

[ The spokesman lunges himself at the dancing mascot. He restrains himself after feeling the dancing mascot’s costume. ]

Spokesperson: You know what? This feels nice.

Dancing Mascot: Cushy? Isn’t it?

Spokesperson: Yeah.

[ The dancing mascot examines the spokesperson’s nose. ]

Dancing Mascot: Did you know that one nostril is bigger than the other?

Spokesperson: Really?

Dancing Mascot: Yeah. Kinda looks like an electrical outlet.

Spokesperson: Maybe that’s why I’m not getting a good gym tan.

Dancing Mascot: Probably… but we can fix that for you. For half-price - if you stay off our property.

Spokesperson: That would be nice. Do you ever do breast reductions on men?

Dancing Mascot: Why do you ask?

Spokesperson: No reason whatsoever.

Both: [singing]
“Bring it on down to Plasticville!”

[ The two start break dancing. ]

END


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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