08u: Justin Timberlake / Ciara
Target Lady.....Kristen Wiig
Customer #1.....Bobby Moynihan
Customer #2.....Abby Elliott
Customer #3.....Kenan Thompson
[Exterior of Target. Dissolve to store Interior. The Target Lady rings up a customer.]
Target Lady: Welcome to Target! Lets see…(Passing the items over the scanner) Yard gloves…tomato seeds…fertilizer…[Excitedly] Hey, Pat Sajack, I’ll solve the puzzle! Gardening! [The Customer stares at her perplexedly.] It’s gonna be $42.11.
Customer #1: Here you go. [Hands her a bill.]
Target Lady: [Excited] A Fifty!!! [Marks it with a highlighter to test it] And it’s legit!!! I get to put this under the tray! [She does]
Customer #1: I’m sorry; I’m in a hurry…
Target Lady: Hey, uh…you know what fertilizer is, right?
Customer #1: Excuse me?
Target Lady: It’s part dirt and part feces. It’s my job to let you know what you’re buying, I just thought I should let you know, you’re buying a big bag of feces.
Customer #1: ...Thanks?
Target Lady: Someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once. It was Halloween and they rang the bell but when I got there they were gone but they left their feces bag! They must have forgotten it! I put it in my garden but it didn’t help any of my plants, I think because it came from a person. [Customer looks disgusted] I’m sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken!!!
[There is a cartoon sound effect of a bullet whizzing by. When the camera cuts back to a two shot the Customer is gone.]
Target Lady: Wow! I haven’t seen anything move this fast since I went to an illegal mouse race! That was a weird, weird night.
Peg: [offscreen] Did somebody say weird?
Target Lady: Peg!
[Peg, an elderly woman in a pink bathrobe and a neckbrace enters clutching her purse and a can of coconut juice.]
Peg: Hey, girlfriend!
Target Lady: Hey!
Peg: So, I strained my neck…
Target Lady: How’d you do that, Girlfriend?
Peg: I was pushin’ a wash machine up a hill when my fashion sandal got caught on a decorative yard prick, is that just not classic Peg?
[She chortles to herself silently, shoulders shaking from mirth. She will do this every time she says the words “Classic Peg”]
Target Lady: Classic Peg!
Peg: So then I tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid but I ended up breaking it off and fallin inside! I rolled all the way down the hill inside of it. I mean I was holdin’ on to the cup that holds the softener and my legs were clinched around the agitator pole, can you believe it? Is that not just classic Peg?
Target Lady: So Classic!
Peg: So the next thing I know, I’m peerin’ my head out of the machine, it’s eight in the morning and I’m behind the Dunky Donuts by the private airport. Claaaaaasic Peg!
Target Lady: So, what brings you to Target, miss Thaing?
Peg: Two words: Potato sticks and Carl Earl. I got a date tonight.
Target Lady: Yowsa!
Peg: Well, you know how I roll [She attempts to roll her head sideways hip-hop style.] I just – ow. [She touches her neck brace gingerly.] I’ll be right back.
[Peg exits. A second customer enters with a basket.]
Customer #2: Hi, can I pay for these?
Peg: I forgot my coconut water, just classic Peg! [She looks uncomfortably at the customer and leaves again.]
Target Lady: Look how long your hair is! I bet if you put it up in a bun it’d look like you were wearing a hair-covered Kaiser roll! [Takes the Customer’s basket] Let’s see..[Rings up items] Sunscreen…nose plugs…I wear nose plugs around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli! [Picks up a package of children’s arm floaties] What’s this? Arm floaties?
Customer #2: Yeah, you blow them up with air, they’re for my son to help him swim. [The Target Lady suddenly leaves in the middle of her sentence.] Hey, where are you going?
[A Third customer enters]
Customer #3: Excuse me, is this register open?
Customer #2: Yeah, I guess, but the lady just took off.
Customer #3: Is it a white lady with a haircut that looks like she’s got bangs that go all the way around her head and never stop?
Customer #2: Yeah.
Customer #3: Does she sound like her voice box is covered in egg?
Customer #2: That’s her.
Customer #3: Yep, I thought so. I’m waiting in the other line.
[The Target Lady returns with a pack of arm floaties]
Target Lady: I found ‘em! I’m gonna blow these up and put em on my antique bean cans and fill ‘em with pencils so I can write thank-you notes in the tub!
[The two customers stare at her for a moment, flummoxed, and then silently leave to use another register. Peg returns.]
Target Lady: Peg! You’re back!
Peg: You are never gonna believe what just happened to me, girl. I was checkin my mascara in one of the fish tanks when all of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band. I looked around, pushed my slacks down to my ankles and saw somethin’ crawlin’ on me. It was a Black Widow Spider!
Target Lady: Those are poisonous!
Peg: I know! So I flicked it on the ground and get this, it was a half-flattened licorice jelly bean. So there I was, laughin’ with my comfort slacks around my ankles at the fish tanks at Target! Classic Peg! Then guess who runs into me? My Preacher from church! And guess what he said?
Target Lady: [Excitedly] That Heaven has a Target?!
Peg: [Confused]: No…he didn’t say that. [Laughs silently, sholders shaking.] Classic Peg!
Target Lady: Classic Peg to the Max!
Peg: [Holding up a pair of pink satin handcuffs] And look what else I found for my date tonight. Bam-chicka-wow-wow! [Dances a bit with the handcuffs]
Target Lady: Satin handcuffs, where are those?!!
Peg: They’re with the bachelorette party stuff [Target Lady suddenly leaves again] I think it was aisle twelve…[Her phone rings, a catchy polyphonic melody. Peg dances a bit and bobs her head to the song before taking out her rhinestoned phone and slowly answering it.] This Peg. Yes, I did call for a full body waxing except for the neck. Yes, it usually takes about three hours with two breaks. Yes, I can hop on my scooter and be there in twenty. Oops, I gotta go, my friend’s comin’ back!
[Target Lady returns with a pair of satin handcuffs]
Target Lady: Wham, bam, thank you Peg! I’m gonna put these around the trunks of my indoor palm trees to make sure they grow parallel to one another!
Peg: Well, listen I gotta go, I gotta get to my waxin’. My Barbara Bush is getting bigger by the minute. [Target Lady appears to be grossed out.] I call it that because well, it’s white, and a bunch of people took pictures of it in the nineties.
Target Lady: TMI, miss girl.
Peg: I was thinking about makin’ cabbage tacos for us tonight. Maybe I should pick up some air freshener.
Target Lady: How ‘bout instead you get a scented candle?!! We have Vanilla, Lavender breeze, Peppermint, I think there’s stress reliever in that, Lilac…
[She continues talking and Peg begins dancing as the camera pulls back and the sketch fades out.]
Submitted by: Ted Zoldan