Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22







08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Cheney in Makeup

Make-up Girl.....Abby Elliott
Dick Cheney.....Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, NBC ]

[ dissolve to itnerior, Make-up Room ]

Make-up Girl: So, Mr. Cheney -- this is your first time on "Meet The Press" with David Gregory.

Dick Cheney: It is!

Make-up Girl: Great. Now, how do you like your make-up?

Dick Cheney: Enough color so I don't look like a corpse, but not so much that it looks like I have feelings.

Make-up Girl: Okay. So, can I get you to close your eyes for me?

[ he chuckles snidely, then shuts his eyes as she begins ]

[ as she works on Cheney, former President George W. Bush enters the room stealthily ]

George W. Bush: [ whispering loudly ] Hey, Make-up lady! Give me that brush!

[ she hands Bush the brush and exits the room. Bush proceeds to rub the brush across Cheney's chin. ]

George W. Bush: [ in a higher octave ] So... are you excited about doing the show?

Dick Cheney: Hello, Mr. President.

George W. Bush: Aw, DAMN, Dick! You are impossible to surprise! What's your secret?

Dick Cheney: Well, Mr. President, for one: you whisper too LOUD!

George W. Bush: Yeah, that's always been a problem of mine! That is one of the many reasons that I am no friend to libraries! [ he tosses the brush aside ]

Dick Cheney: So, what are you doing here, Mr. President?

George W. Bush: Well, Dick, I've been contacted by members of the GOP -- they've asked me to speak to you about your newfound love of the media spotlight.

Dick Cheney: [ nervously ] I, uh... have been making some television appearances.

George W. Bush: Some? You're on TV more than that ShamWow guy!

Dick Cheney: Well, I understand this visibility is a bit of a change for me.

George W. Bush: Yeah. No DUH to the MAX, Dick! I mean, I spent eight years with my face out there, saying things I barely understood! While you were nowhere to be found!

Dick Cheney: I was... busy.

George W. Bush: Yeah. And BRAVO with what you were "busy" with, by the way. People seemed to be really psyched about it.

Dick Cheney: If you are referring to our interrogation policies, Mr. President, I have no regrets.

George W. Bush: Yeah, well, here's MY regret: that I didn't have me a Vice-President like Joe Biden. I mean, look at those two -- going out for burgers... [ he chuckles ] laughing it up. I need THAT kind of V.P., the kind that did dumb stuff to make me look smarter! Instead, I got the one guy that scares me more than my dad!

Dick Cheney: We, uh... we had a different chemistry, sir.

George W. Bush: Yeah. The chemistry of acid in the face! Dick, it's over! We need to move on!

Dick Cheney: We have a legacy to protect. What would you have me do, Mr. President?

George W. Bush: Just STICK to our plan: Letís let history be the judge, okay? Itís an awesome plan, because history takes FOREVER!

Dick Cheney: There are things I think the American people need to know, sir.

George W. Bush: But I don't want you to tell them those things, okay? Just like you probably wouldn't want me to tell certain things. Like the time you were DEAD for three days.

Dick Cheney: Now, sir...

George W. Bush: No, no, no! "Now, sir," nothing! You were straight up dead, okay? We were gonna bury you, but Colin Powell said, "Let's give it one more day." I mean, Colin's the reason you're here! So, I don't like it when you, when you run him down!

Dick Cheney: Well, I would hate for the story about my, uh, unfortunate, uhhh...

George W. Bush: DEATH! The word is "death".

Dick Cheney: ...to go public.

George W. Bush: Okay. Good! Then, we're in agreement. Okay? Yuo cool it with the world tour, and I'll keep my mouth shut! By the way, they still only know about the one face shooting.

Dick Cheney: [ chuckling nervously ] Mr. President, uh...

George W. Bush: Iím not scared of you, any more, Dick! Okay? Iíve been watching a TON of Dr. Phil.

Dick Cheney: Very well, sir.

George W. Bush: Hey, I'm sorry to be a red ass about it.

Dick Cheney: I understand.

George W. Bush: If you ever want to Biden it up and get a burger with me -- I'm game!

Dick Cheney: Yes, sir.

George W. Bush: Alright, I'll see you later, Dick.

Dick Cheney: And, Mr. President, one last thing.

George W. Bush: Yeah?

Dick Cheney: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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