Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22













08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell
Kathie Lee Gifford.....Kristen Wiig
.....Tom Hanks
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Burt Reynolds.....Norm MacDonald

[ open on "Jeopardy" graphics ]

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy". I'd like to once again remind our contestants that there are proper bathroom facilities located in the studio. We've got a real barn burner on our hands. In the lead, we have Kathie Lee Gifford, a first time player.

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a rap accent ] Heeyyy, who you callin' a playa, G? G? What's that mean -- Grandpa? [ she chuckles ] Is that what the G stands for? Frank, you got a new nickname -- G!

Alex Trebek: And you have -$22,400. In second place, with -$46,700, is Tom Hanks.

[ the audience shrieks at the sight of the real Tom Hanks ]

Tom Hanks: [ leaning to speak into his pen ] I-I-I am a slow starter, Alex, but I think you will find that I will catch up with Double Jeopardy.

Alex Trebek: Well, you've, uh -- you've managed to cast away quite a number of points.

Tom Hanks: [ he shrugs ] I'm sorry... what's that?

Alex Trebek: Oh, I'm sorry. I was making a pun on the title of your movie, "Cast Away".

Tom Hanks: I -- I don't know what that is.

Alex Trebek: The movie you were in -- "Cast Away".

Tom Hanks: Oh, ha ha! Ha ha! I still don't understand.

Alex Trebek: Fine. And, uh, by the way, Tom -- that is a pen, not a microphone.

[ Hanks pulls out the pen and blows into it ]

Alex Trebek: And, in last place, with -$69... [ he looks to the heavens ] Oh, brother... Sean Connery. -$69? okay, that wasn't your score!

Sean Connery: Well, 69 is how I scored with your MOTHER last night! POW!! [ he laughs and accidentally yanks his pen off the podium ]

Alex Trebek: Let's just move onto the categories for Double Jeopardy. They are: "Potent Potables"... "Sounds That Kitties Make"... "Twinkle Twinkle Little ____"... "Catch These Men" -- every answer is a person on the FBI's Most Wanted List, so let's just forget that category [ he tears the answers cards ] I'm pretty sure that that would not turn out well --

Sean Connery: I turned out your MOTHER last night!

Alex Trebek: I'm ignoring you!

Sean Connery: It's a prison term -- it means I've got her working as a prostitute in my employ!

Alex Trebek: My mother is infirmed -- she uses a walker!

Sean Connery: She IS a walker! A STREET WALKER!! [ he laughs obnoxiously ]

Alex Trebek: [ fuming on ] Moving on: "States That End In Hampshire"... "What Color Is Green"... and "Current Black Presidents". Kathie Lee, let's start with you.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Um... "Potent Potables"? I'm sorry, I don't know what that is.

Alex Trebek: It's... about alcohol.

Kathie Lee Gifford: Ohhh! In that case, I'll take "Potent Potables"! [ she laughs and mimes drinking to the camera ]

Alex Trebek: For how much?

Kathie Lee Gifford: How about a glass full? [ she holds up a wine glass ] Right? Come on! Hand in over, Tree Bark, let's go!

Alex Trebek: We-we-we don't have wine!

Kathie Lee Gifford: That's okay, I brought my own! [ she pulls out a little baggie of Chardonney and squeezes it into her glass ]

Alex Trebek: Great. Okay. Fine. Tom, let's just go with you.

Tom Hanks: Well, where are we going?

Alex Trebek: Nowhere! Nowhere! Pick a category!

Tom Hanks: Uh -- uh -- I'll take $600.

Alex Trebek: In what category?

Tom Hanks: The... Video Daily Double.

Alex Trebek: I had such high hopes for you. You know what? Let's just do "States That End In Hampshire", for $200. [ reveal square ] "This is the only state ending in Hampshire."

Tom Hanks: [ buzzes in ] South Hampshire.

Alex Trebek: No!

Tom Hanks: Oh, I'm sorry... I'm sorry! What is South Hampshire?

Alex Trebek: No! No! Kathie Lee!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ she buzzes in ] Hampshire, England.

Alex Trebek: No, no! That's not in the United States!

Kathie Lee Gifford: [ in a cockney accent ] I'm sorry, Guv'nor! Please, sir, may I have some more? [ she raises her glass and laughs ]

Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery, would you pick a category?

Sean Connery: I'll take "Catch The Semen" for $800.

Alex Trebek: [ flabbergasted ] It's NOT "Catch The Semen"!

Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?

Alex Trebek: [ fuming ] Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category?

[ reveal Hanks with his hand caught in a pickle jar ]

Alex Trebek: And he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar.

Tom Hanks: Uh, it's on my hand.

Alex Trebek: Where did you get that pickle jar?

Tom Hanks: Uh, I-I-I wanted a pickle.

Alex Trebek: Tom, let go of it! Let -- [ Tom pulls his other hand off the base of the jar ] No, not the jar! Let go of the pickle!

Tom Hanks: But I -- but I want a pickle.

Alex Trebek: But we CAN'T keep playing if you DON'T let go of the pickle!

Sean Connery: That's what your MOTHER said last night! [ he laughs obnoxiously ] Take THAT, you poltroon!

Alex Trebek: Moving on. Kathie Lee, you have the board.

Kathie Lee Gifford: I am bored! I am bored! [ she yawns playfully amd laughs ] Do people actually watch this show?

Alex Trebek: Yes. It's actually quite popular... [ he glances onward ] And Tom Hanks is caught in a drycleaning bag.

[ reveal Hanks struggling to break free of the bag without asphyxiating himself ]

Alex Trebek: Can someone help him? No? No one can help Tom Hanks? What's going on here? Alright, let's just move on!

[ a buzzer goes off ]

Alex Trebek: Burt Reynolds.

[ reveal Reynolds suddenly in the game ]

Alex Trebek: Wait, what? Burt Reynolds? Where did you come from?

Burt Reynolds: What, I've been here the whole time!

Alex Trebek: No, you haven't!

Burt Reynolds: Sure, I have! Before! I'll take, uh -- give me, uh -- "Famous Chinamen" for $200.

Alex Trebek: There is NO Chinamen category! And there would never be ANYTHING that offensive!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is... Pat Morita?

Alex Trebek: First of all, Pat Morita was Japenese, not Chinese!

Burt Reynolds: [ he buzzes in ] Who is Kam Fong as Chin Ho?

Alex Trebek: Good Lord! Let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: "Nonsense Words". Just write a random series of letters -- any letters -- as long as it's not a word, you will win.

[ scroll across the celebrities: Kathie Lee writing her answer while looking directly at the camera, Hanks receiving a shock as he touches the pen to his tongue, then banging his head on the podium and falling to the floor ]

Alex Trebek: Let's see what rare gems our cotenstants have mined today. Kathie Lee, let's see your nonsense word.

[ screen reveals: "Hoda Kotb" ]

Alex Trebek: Hoda Kotb. That's not a nonsense word. You've bet your co-host on "The Today Show".

Kathie Lee Gifford: Kotb? Believe me, that's nonsense! Where's the vowel? Where's the vowel? Kotb? What's that?

Alex Trebek: And your wager?

[ screen reveals: "That I'll be passed out in an hour" ]

Alex Trebek: You wagered that you'll be passed out in an hour.

Kathie Lee Gifford: You're darn tootin', pardner! I am Hoda Cowboy!

Alex Trebek: Alright. [ he moves along ] Tom Hanks? [ Hanks rises from behind his podium ] You managed to give yourself a pretty nasty welt there. Let's see what you wrote.

[ reveal a busted podium screen ]

Alex Trebek: And... you broke your podium.

Tom Hanks: [ holds up his pen ] See, what happened was...

Alex Trebek: Okay, again, that's a pen! That's not a microphone! That's not a microphone!

Tom Hanks: Sibilence! Sibilence!

Alex Trebek: [ he moves along ] Burt Reynolds..? Where -- where is Burt Reynolds? Burt Reynolds' podium just vanished!

Sean Connery: He was never here, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was!

Sean Connery: No, he wasn't!

Alex Trebek: Yes, he was! But let's just see what you wrote. [ Connery's screen reveals what looks like "101SSSB" ] Wow! That IS a nonsense word! Judges? Yes! Yes, the judges agree! Fantastic work, Mr. Connery! I'm so very happy in this moment.

Sean Connery: Well... I thought you could use a friend.

Alex Trebek: [ he nods humbly ] Thank you. Thank you, Sean. [ he pats Connery's hand ]

Sean Connery: You're welcome.

Alex Trebek: ... Let's see what my "friend", Sean, wagered.

[ lower half of screen reveals a drawing of Trebek's grave, Connery, and a piece of poop surrounded by flies ]

Alex Trebek: If I'm looking at that correctly, that's you, I take it, defecating on my grave.

Sean Connery: It was right after I had sex with your MOTHER, Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Okay, that's it! Show's over, good night!

[ Burt Reynolds re-enters, wearing a pair of Hulk hands like boxing gloves and making for Trebek ]

Burt Reynolds: Come on! I got some Hulk hands!

[ fade ]


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