Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 34: Episode 22








08v: Will Ferrell / Green Day

Inside The NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr.....Bill Hader
Charles Barkley.....Kenan Thompson
Mark.....Will Ferrell
Rachel.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on TNT's "Inside the NBA" desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Welcome back! We're going into an incredible third overtime in this game, set between the Boston Celtics and the Orlando Magic. Charles, this is a great game so far.

Charles Barkley: Oh, absolutely, E.J.! This game is phenomenal! It's like the basketblal equivalent of a McRib sandwich.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: And after the game, be sure to stay tuned for the series premiere of "Mark".

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark posing for the camera ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How does a single dad raise three kids and keep his sanity? Don't ask Mark. Fridays at 9:30.

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ mouth agape ] Yeah, I don't watch much TV... but I will be watching "Mark"! He looks hilarious!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles, Orlando has twice been in control, and once Boston hit three pointers to tie. What's the psychological effect of that?

Charles Barkley: Well, it's not good. Orlando needs to step up their brunt of the defense.

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a Dustbuster and a baby ]

Charles Barkley: [ excited ] Oh! Mark's back! Now he's got a baby and a Dustbuster! [ laughing ] Hey, Mark! You can't dust bust a baby!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: "Mark". What do you call a single dad with three kids and no clue? "Mark". From the creators of "Jeff".

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: "Mark" is an instant classic!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, the big story tonight has to be Ray Allen, who left with a knee injury. Still no word on how serious the injury is...

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark dancing the Moonwalk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Uh...

[ Barkley bounces his had in rhythm ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Charles... Charles. Charles!

Charles Barkley: Look at Mark!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, I see him.

Charles Barkley: He's dancing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, yeah. I see that.

Charles Barkley: [ on the verge of tears ] Oh, my God! Look at him go!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: "Mark". Who says life's over once you have kids? Mark did. "Mark". Followed by an all new episode of "Courting Rachel". [ Rachel enters the graphic ] She's a non-nonsense judge who's also a supermodel.

Charles Barkley: Ohhhh! Mark likes that!

[ graphic disappears ]

Charles Barkley: [ laughing ] Who comes up with this stuff!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: How about we, uh, look back at Toyota's "Keys to Victory"? Alright...

Charles Barkley: Okay, so is Mark not in this part?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: NO!

Charles Barkley: I miss Mark.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ in front of "Keys to Victory" graphic board ] Okay. To win this game, the Celtics are gonna need to limit their fouls, control the paint, and get the ball to pierce. On the other side... [ graphic board now reads "Mark's Keys to Life" ] We're doing what?

[ Mark appears in the graphic ]

Mark: Mark's Keys to Life! Step 1: Don't Get Married! Step 2: Find a Babysitter. Step 3: You Gotta Laugh.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Great...

Charles Barkley: [ laughing out loud ] Oh, I am staying up late for THAT! I'm gonna have to get me a case of Red Bulls, and make me some Stouffer's Macaroni Pockets!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can we get back to basketball, please? Charles, is there any way the Celtics can replace Ray Allen?

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, E.J. -- put MARK in!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: That's NOT gonna happen!

Charles Barkley: Well, it should! I mean, that's just the kind of crazy, mixed-up situation Mark lives for!

[ comical graphic appears at the bottom of the screen: Mark holding a flaming container of food ]

Charles Barkley: Oh! Speak of the devil! Hey, Mark! Your casserole's on fire!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: He can't hear you!!

Charles Barkley: I know! It's just playfullness! Hey, Mark! Wear your oven mitts! [ he claps his hands joyously ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: This is not what I agreed to... I'm not gonna do this any more! [ he gets up to leave ]

Charles Barkley: Hey, E.J. -- you mind if I hang out with Mark a little bit?

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Yeah, great. You can do what you want to. [ he exits ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, I love you, Mark!

Mark: I love you, too, Charles Barkley!

[ Barkley swoons and begins to extend his hand over Mark's casserole and playfully pretend it's burning his hand ]

[ fade ]


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