Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 1

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

September 26th, 2009

Megan Fox



Brian Austin Green

John Lutz

Emily Spivey

United Nations General Assembly
Summary: Moammar Gadhafi (Fred Armisen) addresses the United Nations General Assembly to give excuses for his earlier speech.



Megan Fox's Monologue
Summary: Megan Fox comments on the obviously fake online nude photos of herself that she was unaware she had posed for.


Summary: The pill that helps men combat Shy Bladder Syndrome.


Flight Attendants
Summary: Flight attendants (Kristen Wiig, Megan Fox) are unnaturally upbeat and bubbly while announcing devastating news from the cabin.


Russian Brides
Summary: Mr. Colon (Will Forte) can't decide whether to choose attractive Russian bride (Megan Fox) or hulky, mannish Russian bride (Fred Armisen) with lesser qualities for ten dollars cheaper.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: A socially-awkward man (Will Forte) impresses Megan Fox on a date, but rejects her anyway.


Grady Wilson's Burning up the Bedsheets
Summary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques to help burn up the bedsheets.

Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.

U2 performs "Breathe"

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the G20 Summit. Travel writer Judy Grimes (Kristen Wiig) speeds through her commentary and presents a hand-drawn chart.

Recurring Characters: Jean K. Jean, Judy Grimes.


Live Lounge
Summary: Crystal (Megan Fox) touts the Live Lounge phone-chat line and the throng of other weirdo social types who use it.


U2 performs "Moment of Surrender"

Biker Chick Chat
Summary: Dawn (Jenny Slate) hosts a freakin' talk show for freakin' biker chicks.

Note: Jenny Slate accidentally says "fuckin'" in her sketch debut.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: When he comes over to her apartment for a movie date, Andy Samberg meets "Megan's Roommate", the bitterly jealous Optimus Prime (Bobby Moynihan).


Your Mom Talks to Megan Fox While You Get Ready
Summary: Megan Fox chats with her friend's mom (Kristen Wiig) over laundry.


Goodnights / U2 performs "Ultraviolet (Light My Way)"

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Mostly Garbage
Summary: In these hard, economic times, dog lover (Jason Sudeikis) sets his priorities straight by serving bagged garbage to his canine pal.

Note: This filmed parody will appear in next week's episode hosted by Ryan Reynolds.

Last Rites
Summary: Dying man's (Bill Hader) body makes funny noises after he passes.

Crotch Rockets
Summary: Actress (Megan Fox) keeps slapping co-star (Andy Samberg) during a scene.

SNL Transcripts