Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 1

09a: Megan Fox / U2

An SNL Digital Short

Man....Will Forte
Woman....Megan Fox

[Opens with a shot of the city at night. Romantic piano plays. Cut to an elegant balcony/restaurant. A man and an extremely beautiful woman share a romantic dinner together]

Woman: So, you're having a good time?

Man: [extremely shy] Yeah.

Woman: Wow, you have a really nice smile. You're teeth are like...perfect.

Man: [shy, almost childlike] I'm gonna tell my dentist you said that. He's really self-conscious and that's gonna make him feel really good. You make me feel really good.

Woman: Well, the feeling's mutual. Because you are making me feel real good right now too.

Man: I'm so glad.

Woman: So how long have you been a Swat Team Commander?

Man: A long time.

Woman: So how did you get outta work?

Man: I didn't. I'm supposed to be in a drug bust and I bailed on it.

Woman: Oh, my God! Are you gonna get in trouble?

Man: I don't care. Cause I like you.

Woman: I like you too.

Man: [softly] Yeah.

Woman: So, when you're not doing Swat things, what other things do you like to do?

Man: I raise lambs.

Woman: You raise lambs?!

Man: I do. I raise lambs. I have a little pasture and I bottle feed them. And once they get to a certain age I, for a lack of a better term, slaughter them. And then sell their meats to restaurants and jerky distributors.

Woman: It must be really hard for you.

Man: [voice cracking, almost crying] It's really hard. I love my lambs. I love them so much and it's hard.

Woman: [touched] Sorry.

Man: [disturbingly sad] I have this nightmares. And then I wake up drenched in sweat. And then I got to go into work at Command Swat.

Woman: You are so brave. And I am so grateful that I have known you. And you will never, ever gonna be alone again.

Man: Are you asking me to marry you?

Woman:[loving smile] I think that I am. Yeah.

[Man tenderly touches her cheek]

Man: No' way.

[Man gets up and leaves the beautiful woman alone at the table]

[screen goes black]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts