Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2














09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Deep House Dish

DJ Dynasty Handbag.....Kenan Thompson
T’Shane.....Andy Samberg
.....Madonna
.....Lady Gaga
Miss Ice Tia.....Kristen Wiig
Danny McCooz.....Ryan Reynolds

[Techno music is playing in the background. MTV 4 logo appears]

Announcer Voice Over: You are watching MTV 4. The alternative to the alternative. 99% awesome... 100% of the time. Next up Deep House Dish.

[Logo of Deep House Dish appears on screen. Logo Shatters and cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag dancing on a pedestal while T’Shane is sitting on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Welcome to Deep House Dish. The only show devoted to house music and dishing out the latest house and techno music stars. Alright! (Snaps fingers)

[DJ Dynasty Handbag walks back to the couch and sits beside T’Shane]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: And Now! Here with our brand new segment on Deep House called rumour alert is my good friend and co-host T’Shane.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag starts to give multiple high fives with both hands to T’Shane. Camera cuts to T’Shane]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ok T’Shane do your worst.

[T’Shane grabs a hidden mic that was beside him]

T’Shane: Rumour Alert! (T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio)

[T’Shane smiles and happy about the sound and outcome of the voice effect]

T’Shane: What pop diva told her band to quite eating Freeto’s on the tour bus?

[T’Shane is waiting for someone to answer his question. Camera cuts back to both T’Shane and DJ Dynasty Handbag sitting on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Well? What’s! What’s the answer?

T’Shane: Oh I don’t know I just wanted to use the echo mic.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oooo weee T’Shane. You just emberrassed yourself in front of erve’body in our studio erea. OK?

[T’Shane is sad about the embarrassing act. T’Shane picks up the Echo mic]

T’Shane: Ball rat! (T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio)

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Moving on. Our first guest is performing at club quarantine. It used to be a Dollar Treat beside Ricky’s beauty supply on Aferson Drive. Please put your hand me together for Miss Ice Tia.

[Camera cuts to Miss Ice Tia ready to perform her song “Not Good Enough”.]

Miss Ice Tia: (sings)
“I give you my best but my best wasn’t good enough because my best isn’t very good.
I shall be good but my good is oh so bad and not the bad that means good.
My good is bad and my bad is worse another person worse would be so very good for me. So so so very good for me.”

[Miss Ice Tia starts to dance]

[Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch clapping at the performance of Miss Ice Tia]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh Oh wee Tia. Bring yourself over to me.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Miss Ice Tia to sit beside him on the couch]

[Miss Ice Tia site on the couch beside DJ Dynasty Handbag]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Tia! Now you have touched so many people’s hearts with this song. What made you write it?

Miss Ice Tia: I wrote d’this because I have MAD low self esteem. So...I don’t think anything of myself and I want to shout it from the roof tops.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I love how up front you are.

Miss Ice Tia: I will not accept that compliment I am a loser HOOLLA!!

T’Shane (with the echo mic:) HOOLLA!!

[T’Shane’s voice echoes in the studio]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Next up. Turn your ears and your eyes towards Danny McCooz singing his hit songs “Status Update”.

[Camera cuts to Danny McCooz between two female dances ready to sing “Status Update”]

[Techno music plays while the two female dancers start to dance.]

Danny McCooz:
“Danny McCooz is...
Danny McCooz is...”

[A Facebook status window appears on screen with “Danny McCooz is..” as the status.]

Danny McCooz:
“Danny McCooz is heading to Cosco.
Danny McCooz is everybody chill.
Danny McCooz is happy it’s Friday.
Danny McCooz is keeping it real. "

[Danny McCooz starts to do the Robot Dance.]

Danny McCooz:
“Hid my status update.
Don’t ignore my status update.
Danny McCooz is Molly Ringwold in the 16 Candles quiz.
Danny McCooz likes this.
Danny McCooz is...”

[Techno music stops]

[Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch clapping at the performance of Danny McCooz]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OOHHH! OOHHH! Danny you sure is. You sure is. Now here sit down.

[DJ Dynasty Handbag makes a gesture for Danny McCooz to sit beside him on the couch. Miss Ice Tia is no longer on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: And tell us how this song came about.

Danny McCooz: Well I just picked my most interesting facebook status moments and copied them down on paper. Then..uh... DJ friend of mine who owes me money for cocaine put beats to it. I am so blessed.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Oh you are. You are.. and so are we. Your facebook status should say “Danny McCooz is a mega mega mega mega talent”

Danny McCooz: It does.

T’Shane: Hey peeps! Rumor Alert. What DJ who hosts a house music talk show was seen shopping for Capri pants at Lane Bryant.

DJ Dynasty Handbag: They were for my sister!!

T’Shane: Then why did you try them on?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: My sister and I are built the same. Moving on... Oh my lord I am so excited. So excited. Please give it up. Two exciting entertainers performing together for the very first time. Lady Gaga and Madonna.

[Camera cuts to Lady Gaga and Madonna ready to perform. Techno music starts to play.]

[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to dance.]

Lady Gaga: (sings)
“Watch me Work.
What’s wrong Madonna can’t get into the groove”

[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to dance]

Lady Gaga: I got 5!

[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop dancing and turn to each other]

[Madonna sings in Lady Gaga’s direction]

Madonna: (sings)
“Looks like your wig needs a fix...”

[Madonna starts to pull Lady Gaga’s hair. Lady Gaga screams in pain.]

Lady Gaga: No No No.

[Lady Gaga pushes Madonna away. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch worried about the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

Background singers: You are such a little bitch.

Lady Gaga: “So So So.”

Madonna: What the hell is a Disco stick?

[Madonna reaches for Lady Gaga’s neck and starts to choke her.]

Lady Gaga: “I think you know”.

[Lady Gaga reaches for Madonna’s neck and starts to choke her. They start to fall to the ground. Camera cuts to DJ Dynasty Handbag and T’Shane on the couch]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!! STOP IT!!!!!!! OOOOO Weeeee! Do not make me walk over there and tell you two all about yourself in front of er’vybody in the view er’ea. Get over here.

[The music stops to play. T’Shane has a worried expression on his face]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Stop it! Sit down on the...

[Lady Gaga and Madonna continue to fight while they walk towards the couch]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Sit on the....

[Lady Gaga and Madonna flop on the couch.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: You know what?

[DJ Dynasty Handbag stands up and sits between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I’m going to sit my little pooper between you two so you can behave.

[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and continues to fight with Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I want you to behave!

[Lady Gaga sits up. Madonna sneaks behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head.]

Madonna: What did you say?

DJ Dynasty Handbag: STOP IT!!!!!

Lady Gaga: Well We’ll try. Hey! Guess what Madonna. I’m totally hotter than you.

Madonna: Hey guess what.

[Madonna stands up and slaps Lady Gaga behind the head]

Madonna: I’m taller than you. What kind of name is Lady Gaga anyway? It sounds like baby food.

[Madonna sits back down on the couch.]

Lady Gaga: The kind that’s number one on the billboard charts.

[Lady Gaga lunges herself towards Madonna over DJ Dynasty Handbag and continue to fight.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: HEY!!! I said behave Biatches!!!

[DJ Dynasty Handbag stops the fight between Lady Gaga and Madonna]

Madonna: (to DJ Dynasty Handbag:) Biatch! You need to stop interrupting us.

Lady Gaga: Yeah! We’re Pop Icons. RESPECT!

Madonna: Respect!

[Lady Gaga and Madonna give each other a high five]

[Camera cuts to T’Shane with a very scared expression on his face.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Ah Well. T’Shane doesn’t have as much professionality as me when it comes to his on Air Stress.

[Lady Gaga goes behind DJ Dynasty Handbag’s back and continues to fight with Madonna]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Hey STOP. I want you two to kiss and make up.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna stop fighting.]

Madonna: Hey!

Lady Gaga: Excellent.

Madonna: You made my ring come off.

Lady Gaga: Sorry:

DJ Dynasty Handbag: Kiss each other.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna lean in just in front of DJ Dynasty Handbag’s face to kiss. When Lady Gaga and Madonna are about 2 inches away from each other DJ Dynasty Handbag moves in between them and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag on the cheek.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: OH OH my goodness.

[Lady Gaga and Madonna start to caress and kiss DJ Dynasty Handbag.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things.

[Lady Gaga reaches over and pulls T’Shane to join in.]

DJ Dynasty Handbag: I am feeling weird things. Well that all for Deep House Dish. Cya all.

[Camera slowly zooms out and you seen T’Shane on top of Lady Gaga, Madonna and DJ Dynasty Handbag]

[Logo of Deep House Dish appears]

[Fade to Black]


Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami


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