Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2








09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

Porcelain Fountains

Mike.....Fred Armisen
Lexie.....Scarlett Johanson
Nick.....Ryan Reynolds
Man 1.....Jason Sudeikis
Woman 1.....Nasim Pedrad
Man 2.....Kenan Thompson

[Scene opens to 6 Porcelain Fountains running water. Classical music is playing]

[Mike walks to center stage]

Mike: (with a New Jersey accent) PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. Nothing says “I’m a Millionaire” like PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

[Mike puts a lot of emphasise when saying “Porcelain Fountains”. He also points to the porcelain fountains in the background.]

Mike: You put a porcelain fountain in ya house people are gonna say “What is this, a mansion?” I’m telling ya! Ya gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

[Scene cuts to a house with a bare lawn.]

Mike (V/O): Put’em on your front lawn.

[7 different type of porcelain fountains appear on the front lawn.]

Mike (V/O): I wonder where dat guy keeps his jumbo jet.

[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage]

Mike: You like sitting in the living room?

[Scene cuts to Man 1 and Women 1 sitting on a couch in a living room watching tv.]

Mike (V/O): How about sitting in a living room with..... PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

[2 different types of porcelain fountains appear in the living room. The couple are excited with the fountains they nod in agreement]

[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage.]

Mike: You might as well start listening to Opera in there.

[Scene cuts to Man 2 fluffing his pillow in his bed.]

Mike (V/O): Are you getting ready for bed?

[A porcelain fountain appears beside the bed. Man 2 is surprised that a fountain appeared from nowhere. He nods in agreement]

Mike (V/O): Try sleeping with a PORCELAIN FOUNTAIN in your bed room.

[Scene cuts back to Mike on stage]

Mike: Guess who will be dreaming about caviar! You gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS. You want more proof? Just listen to my beautiful daughter Lexie.

[Mike walks off stage never taking his eyes off the camera. Lexie walks towards center stage wearing an 80’s type fluffy shoulder dress.]

[Lexie also has a New Jersey accent.]

Lexie: What are ya kidding me? How can you not have porcelain fountains all over your house?

[4 picture of porcelain fountains appear on the screen around Lexie.]

Lexie: Look at this one. Look at dat one. People are going to see these things and go “That guy gots more money than a Sheik from Saudi Arabia”.

[The 4 pictures keep changing into different types of porcelain fountains.]

Lexie: You can even stroke your hands in the water like your some kind of Millionaire. You’ll think “Wow this is high end living”. That’s what your gonna think when you pick this one or dat one. This one or dat one.

[Lexi strikes a sexy pose and stairs at the camera. The pictures disappear off screen. Mike comes back to the center of the stage with an occurred smile and pushed Lexie to get off stage. Lexie leaves the stage]

Mike: Now i got my son in law Nick doing all the installations. You don’t have to lift a finger.

[Nick walks towards the center stage beside Mike. Nick is very uncomfortable talking in front of the camera. Nick also has a New Jersey accent]

Nick: If you order one of these things you got nothing to worry about. I come to you.(Nick point towards the camera). I load up the van with the pipes and the fountains and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). If you experience any problems with piping or spillage just call and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). Don’t like where we installed your fountain just call and I come to you. (Nick point towards the camera). I come to you (Nick point towards the camera).

[Nick takes a big deep breath in fear while he looks at Mike]

Mike: Ya gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS at Mike’s Fountainry on Central Avenue.

[Scene cuts to the exterior of a large store with “”Mike’s Fountainry” sign]

Voice Over signers: What’s the news. 2941 Central Avenue in Embrume.

Mike, Lexie, Nick: You gotta get’chaself some PORCELAIN FOUNTAINS.

Nick: I come to... (Nick point towards the camera Mike forces Nick to lower his hand.)

[Mike, Lexie, Nick strikes a pose and screen fades to black.]


Submitted by: Jubei “Guy” Kibagami


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