Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2
















09b: Ryan Reynolds / Lady Gaga

An SNL Digital Short

.....Andy Samberg
Salesman #1.....Bobby Moynihan
Salesman #2.....Bryan Tucker
Girlfriend.....Jenny Slate
.....Ryan Reynolds
.....Elijah Wood

Andy Samberg: [ singing ]
I was walkin through the city streets
and a man walks up to me and hands me the latest energy drink
Run faster. Jump Higher.
Man, I'm not gonna let you poison me.

I threw it on the ground!
You must think I'm a joke!
I aint gonna be part of this system!
Man, pump that garbage in another mans veins!

I go to my favorite hot dog stand
and the dude says, you come here all the time! Heres one for free.
I said, Man, what I look like, a charity case?

I took it, and threw it on the ground!
I dont need your handouts!
I'm an adult!
Please, you cant buy me hot dog man!

At the farmers market with my so-called girlfriend
She hands me her cellphone, says it's my dad.
Man, this aint my dad. This is a cellphone!

I threw it on the ground!
What you think I'm stupid?
Im not a part of this system!
My dad's not a phone! Duh!

Some poser hands me a cake at a birthday party
What you want me to do with this, eat it?
Happy birthday to the ground!
I threw the rest of the cake too!
Welcome to the real world, jackass!

So many things to throw on the ground
Like this, and this, and that. And even this.
I'm an adult!

Two Hollywood phonys trying to give me their autograph.
Ground! Nobody wants your autograph! Phonys!

Then the two phonys got up. Turns out they had a taser.
And they tased me in the butt hole.
I fell to the ground.
The phonys didnt let up.
Tasing on my butt hole, over and over.
I was screaming and squirming
My butt hole was on fire!

The moral of this story is: you cant trust the system!


Submitted by: Jordan Anderson


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