Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 3

09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

Debbie Turner Book Signing

Debbie Turner.....Drew Barrymore
Employee.....Jason sudeikis
Woman.....Nasim Pedrad
Hamilton.....Will Forte

[ open on exterior, Barnes & Nobles ]

[ dissolve to exterior, Debbie turner reading from her book, "Living With the Devil" ]

Debbie Turner: "...He said goodbye, adjusted his designer sunglasses, and then the elevator doors closed. That was the last time I ever saw his soft, long, blond hair, or heard his sweet, smokey voice. Hamilton was gone."

[ light applause from the small crowd ]

Employee: That was wonderful. Wonderful. I mean, people don't usually read the entire book at a book reading, but, uh... no complaints here. It was certainly a fascinating story. Thank you. [ to the crowd ] Uh -- any questions for Miss Turner?

Woman: Yes. If it was such an unhealthy relationship, why did you stay with him for so long?

Debbie Turner: I had questions about Hamilton from the beginning, but I was so... physically attracted to him, that I just couldn't end it.

Employee: Yeah. Yeah, we've all been there. Uh -- any other questions?

Hamilton: [ softly ] I... have a question.

Debbie Turner: Hamilton?

Hamilton: What... if a man... realized he made a mistake... and he needed your love to survive?

Debbie Turner: Hamilton... what are you doing here?

Hamilton: I'm here... because I love you. I want to be with you in a spectacular way.

Debbie Turner: It's too late.

Hamilton: Is it? Or is it... not too late? Is it, possibly, early?

Debbie Turner: No, it's too late.

Hamilton: Love me again, for I have changed. I've learned how to love, and I love how it feels. It's like I jumped off a bridge, and into a huge ocean of love. And all of the fish are kissing my toes. Even sharks are smiling and happy, making love to what was once their prey.

Debbie Turner: [ aggravated ] It's easy to say that you've changed, because you say that ALL the time!

Hamilton: And yet, I say it again. This time you WILL take my word for it, or else!

Debbie Turner: Is that a threat?

Hamilton: [ sincere ] Yes, my love.

Debbie Turner: You are unbelievable! Look, there are so many things that you have to change, I don't know where to start.

Hamilton: Start towards the end.

Debbie Turner: [ shaking her head ] Well... your Hummer. I think you know how I feel about that thing.

Hamilton: I've already sold it... and I have a new car. It's a bigger Hummer. You're going to love it!

Debbie Turner: And your creepy bayonet collection?

Hamilton: I will get rid of my bayonets. I will bury them in the chests and bellies of those who would assail this great country with their Communist and Socialist agendas. Health care is not a right, but a privilege of the pure-blooded. It is not to be wasted on the jewelers and the food cart vendors, the laundry folders, the busboys, and nail salon workers. For those, death is a necessary part of the life cycle, and I will gladly help them on their way.

Woman: [ interrupting ] Can I make a quick comment here? [ to Debbie ] I don't mean to criticize you as a writer, but you did NOT so justice to his looks! [ she smiles up at Hamilton ]

Hamilton: You like what you see?

Employee: [ jumping in ] Uh, for the record, I also like what I see!

Hamilton: That's fine...

Debbie Turner: You guys! Don't fall for it, okay? He's just using his looks to SUCK YOU IN!! Hamilton, this is NOT going to work! When I first saw you, I fell HARD! It's true. But then I realized that you were not there to STOP that book burning, but, rather than, to make sure that it rna smoothly!

Hamilton: Whether you know it or not... I'm a different person. I've joined a gymnasium. And I'm using toilet paper now.

Debbie Turner: [ she sighs ] Well, as I said... it's too late.

Hamilton: Maybe that's the case. But, can I say one last thing?

Debbie Turner: Fine. But it's not going to make a difference.

Hamilton: In the words of the Black singer, Usher: "I wanna make love in this club... in this club..."

Debbie Turner: Our song?

Hamilton: [ as he steps closer ] " this club... in this club. I wanna make love in this club..."

Debbie Turner: This is not fair!

Hamilton: " this club... in this club..."

Debbie Turner: You son of a BITCH!!

Hamilton: " this club... in this club..."

Debbie Turner: [ unable to stop herself ] What are you doing to me?

Hamilton: "I wanna make love in this club..."

Debbie Turner: [ swooning ] I'm falling for you again!

Hamilton: " this club..."

Debbie Turner: Oh, God!

Hamilton: " this club..."

Debbie Turner: Fine! Fine! Let's just do it! Just tell me where.

Hamilton: On this table.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Hamilton: [ nods towards Woman ] With this woman.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Woman: [ eager to participate ] Okay!

Hamilton: [ nods toward Employee ] And this dude.

Debbie Turner: Okay!

Employee: [ also eager ] Yeah! Yeah!

[ Debbie shoves the books off the table, jumps up on her backside and thrusts her legs apart ]

Debbie Turner: Come on!

Hamilton: "I wanna make love in this club..." -- maybe wider?

[ as everyone grabs a hold of one another, fade ]

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