Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2








09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

An Address by the President of the United States

President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Alice.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address by the president of the United States.

[ dissolve to exterior, Rose Garden, Obama standing behind podium ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you. Good evening, my fellow Americans. As most of you are probably aware, yesterday the news came that I had been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. This came without warning. I didn't even get a call, as, due to the time difference in Norway, the Nobel people didn't want to wake me up. I wish they had. Like I said to Hillary Clinton, "Hey, remember that 3:00 AM call you were so worried about? It happened. Nobel Peace Prize!"

Now, this prize bestowed by the Nobel Committee in Norway is given annually to individuals who have made significant contributions to world peace. Jimmy Carter won it for decades of trying to find solutions for international conflicts. Al Gore won it for his years of educating the U.S. about climate change. And us? Well... I won it for not being George Bush. To be perfectly honest, this award was a complete surprise as I have only not been George W. Bush for nine months. But I am deeply honored nonetheless.

And that's not all that I have to be grateful for. Just moments ago, I was informed, and I almost hesitate to say this, that I won the $70 million jackpot in the Powerball lottery. I know, it's crazy! The funny thing is, it's the first Powerball ticket I have ever bought. It's true! I was driving Sasha and Malia home from school, and we stopped at a 7-11 for sodas. We all chose two numbers and there you have it -- $70 million.

Alice, can we bring in that check?

[ Alice, a staffer, enters holding an oversized lottery check ]

President Barack Obama: Look at that! Alice here plays the Powerball every week, so I thought she'd like to hold the check.

[ Alice scowls, then exits ]

President Barack Obama: Of course, I won't be keeping the money. As with my Nobel Prize money, I will be donating it to charity. But, first, I have an important decision to make: Do I take the money as a one-time lump sum payout, or as an annuity over the next thirty years? It's a tough decision, so I intend to do what I always do and meet with my financial team: Tim Geithner, Ben Bernanke, Larry Summers. Then whatever they advise, I will do, because those guys do NOT make mistakes. [ quickly ] And I'm sure Michelle will have some ideas, too.

Thank you very much, and "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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