Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 2












09c: Drew Barrymore / Regina Spektor

University of Westfield

Man #1.....Fred Armisen
Woman #1.....Nasim Pedrad
Man #2.....Kenan Thompson
Woman #2.....Jenny slate

[ open on man #1 in office setting ]

Man #1: In a tough job market like this one, you need EVERY advantage you can get.

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: That's why I enrolled in the University of Westfield -- online!

[ cut to Man #2 sitting in a bar ]

Man #2: [ whispering ] I earned my degree sitting at home in my pajamas!

[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]

Woman #2: The University of Westfield Online gave me the SKILLS I need to getthe JOB I want! Skills like: Not mentioning in a job interview that I went to an Internet college.

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: The University of WestfielcOnline taught me that going to an Internet college is not a thing that would make people want to hire me.

[ show footage of Man #2 on a job interview, as he narrates ]

Man #2: At the University of Westfield Online, you'll learn valuable techniques on how to respond when someone asks you where you went to school. Techniques like: Changing the Subject... [ he points to a potted planted during the interview ] Pretending Your Phone is Vibrating and You Need to Take a Call... [ he fumbles with his cell phone ] Mumbling... [ he speaks with his hand in front of his mouth ] and Faking a Heart Attack. [ he clutches his chest and falls back in his chair ]

[ cut to Woman #1 working at home ]

Woman #1: They taught me the names of other colleges that I could say that I went to. Great, believable names -- like Rutgers, or U.C. Santa Cruz.

[ cut to Man #2 in a meeting ]

Man #2: They also taught me that you could just say the name of a place, like Michigan. People will draw their own conclusions.

[ cut to Man #1 at his desk ]

Man #1: Just DON'T mention that you went to the University of Westfield.

[ cut to Woman #2 in an office setting ]

Woman #2: And in just four months, when it's time to graduate, University of Westfield Online will e-mail you a PDF of a diploma... [ show close-up of diploma ] with an intentionally unreadable name of a school. [ sarcastically ] Does that say Yale? It could! So, enroll today. And you could be saying:

Woman #1: Thanks, Cornell!

Man #2: Thanks... Sarah Lawrence!

Woman #2: Thanks, University of Mansin-ken-pin-finley...

[ dissolve to product slide ]

Announcer: University of Westfield Online. Just don't tell anyone.


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