Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira


King Leonidas.....Gerard Butler
Stelios.....Jason Sudeikis
Stefanos.....Fred Armisen
Titos.....Bill Hader
Astinos.....Will Forte
Warrior......Bobby Moynihan

[ open on King Leonidas addressing his army of Spartans ]

King Leonidas: Spartans! A new age has begun! An age of FREEDOM! And all will know... that 300 Spartans... gave their last BREATH to defend it!

Spartans: AH-OOHH!! AH-OOHH!! AH-OOHH!!

Stelios: Uh, excuse me! King Leonidas! Uh, real quick before we go into battle. A lot of us have been wondering about that "promise" you made a while ago.

King Leonidas: [ recollecting ] Oh. Right. Yeah. I know. Uhh -- well, about a year ago, I promised to rescind Sparta's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. And I still intend to do that -- at some point. But now's not really the time.

Stefanos: It's NEVER the time, Leonidas!

King Leonidas: There's a lot going on right now! We're in a WAR, if you haven't noticed! The economy is bad... and, what does it matter, anyway? We are the GREATEST army ever assembled! [ nonchalantly ] I mean, it's not like any of you are gay.

[ all of the soldiers shift their eyes and look at one another ]

Titos: Ri-i-i-i-ight.

King Leonidas: I mean, look -- [ he steps forward ] take Astinos. Astinos, who designed our wonderful uniforms. [ he puts his hand behind Astinos' head ] Are you telling me you're gay?

Astinos: Are you asking for yourself, or a friend?

[ Leonidas chuckles heartily ]

King Leonidas: Oh, you're funny. [ he steps over to Titos ] And Stefanos... and Titos. [ he puts his arm around Titos' neck ] Inseperable friends. Now, when Stefanos joined this army... you took him under your wing.

Titos: [ he glances at Stefanos ] I did.

King Leonidas: You could almost say Stefanos is... is like a son to you.

Titos: [ coyly ] Oh, please, don't it like that!

King Leonidas: Every night, you two walk in the woods together for hours. Now, imagine how awkward one of those walks would be... if one of you turned out to be gay.

Stefanos: Yeah, that would be awkward if ONE of us was gay!

[ Titos laughs feyly ]

Warrior: Leonidas is RIGHT! Look, I'm as STRAIGHT as they come! Adn I wouldn't be able to fight if I thought soem gay guy was checking out my body!!

[ the other Spartans look at one another knowingly ]

Stelios: Yeah, I wouldn't worry about that!

[ the Spartans chuckle among themselves ]

King Leonidas: Look, please! Put yourself in my position. I have public opinion to keep in mind, okay? Now, 40% of Sparta considers homosexuality an illness.

Stefanos: Well, 40% of Sparta doesn't believe you were born in Greece.

King Leonidas: [ dumbstruck ] Ha! I have a borth certificate! [ he holds up a stone tablet that reads: "Leonidas - 3/14/506 BC - Sparta" ]

Stefanos: We're NOT fighting until you make up your mind!

King Leonidas: [ he throws his birth table to the ground ] Aye. It seems I have no other choice! I didn't become leader of an army this TOUGH -- this AGGRESSIVE -- this, uh -- now, what's the word I'm looking for?

Spartans: FIERCE!!!

King Leonidas: Exactly! FIERCE!! I didn't become leader of an army this FIERCE by clinging to my popularity! So as of today, I declare Sparta's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" ban officially repealed! Yes! so, if you're gay, feel free to raise your hand -- PROUDLY! And publicly!

[ the demi-shirted warrior glances around awkwardly as all of his fellow soldiers slowly raise their hands high ]

King Leonidas: [ smiling ] Okay... okay... I know you all want to support your fellow soldiers, but seriously: who here is ACTUALLY gay?

[ everyone raises their hands high, including the demi-shirted warrior ]

King Leonidas: Really? Everyone? [ nervously ] Even you, Stelios?

Stelios: [ he nods ] Yeah!

King Leonidas: [ nervously ] So, when you oil me up before battle...?

Stelios: [ he shrugs ] No strategic value! Just wanted to get my HANDS on ya'!

King Leonidas: [ now ill ] And the leather sheath you made for my penis?

Stelios: Just... needed a reason to measure it!

King Leonidas: [ he pinches the area between his eyes ] And all the times we had sex?

Stelios: ALSO gay reasons!

[ music rises ]

King Leonidas: Well, alright! You're STILL the greatest army on Earth! And if we DO live to see tomorrow, I'm sure we'll have a good laugh about this in the bath house! [ he freezes ] Oh! The bath house! [ he smiles ] Okay, this is all starting to make more sense. But, TONIGHT!! WE DIE!! IN HEEEEEEELLLLLLL!!!!

[ the soldiers cry out and rush the camera to a freeze-frame ]

[ fade ]

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