Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 4

09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira

The Rock Obama

The Rock Obama.....Dwayne Johnson
President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Mitch McConnell.....Will Forte
Max Baucus.....Bill Hader
Olympia Snowe.....Jenny Slate
Joe Biden.....Jason Sudeikis
Katie.....Nasim Pedrad





[ PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA stands next to his scheduling aide KATIE ]

President Barack Obama: So what's next on the schedule, Katie?

Katie: As per your request, Mr. President -- Senators Snowe, McConnell, and Baucus are here to discuss health care.

President Barack Obama: That's great! You know, Katie, this is the closest we've come to reform in this country. I just need everyone to behave.

Katie: So, you gonna get angry with them?

President Barack Obama: Now Katie -- no. You know I don't get angry. I find it works better to kill them with kindness. Send them in.

[ Katie opens the door to the Oval Office and departs. GOP SEN. OLYMPIA SNOWE, SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL, AND DEM. SEN. MAX BAUCUS greet the President with a handshake and all take seats on the couch. The President sits in front of his desk. ]

President Barack Obama: Now look, I asked you all here because I want everyone here to have a voice in the health care reform debate. Now, Sen. Baucus, you're a moderate Democrat, but thanks to your efforts in the Senate Finance Committee, you have a voice!

[ Baucus smiles. ]

President Barack Obama: Sen. Snowe, you're a Republican who crossed party lines to support the Baucus bill and you have a voice!

[ Snowe nods and winces a bit. ]

President Barack Obama: Sen. McConnell, as the Senate Minority Leader, I want you to have a voice too. Now, uh, what can I do to bring the rest of the Republican Party into the conversation.

Mitch McConnell: Well, uh, Mr. President, maybe I can explain the Republican position -- it's not that we don't want health care to fail. We don't! We just want you to fail. And defeating health care reform is the best way to do that.

[ President Obama clenches his jaw. ]

Mitch McConnell: Because if you fix health care, that would be a big victory for you and that's bad for us.

[ The President rubs his neck over and over. ]

Mitch McConnell: With that said, I could see us supporting health care but only if you switch your position to AGAINST it.

[ The President shakes violently. ]

[ CUT TO pre-filmed close-up footage of the President bursting through his clothes, a la The Incredible Hulk TO REVEAL a muscular President with torn clothing, now being played by Dwayne Johnson, who SCREAMS. The senators react in terror. ]

Mitch McConnell: Oh, my God! What happened?!

Max Baucus: What happened was... you made Barack Obama angry! And when you make Barack Obama angry, he turns into... The Rock Obama!


Mitch McConnell: The Rock Obama?

[ The Rock Obama clears his throat. ]

The Rock Obama: Now, uh... don't be alarmed. The Rock Obama, much like, uh... Barack Obama. Only stronger, and, uh... more angry! Now! We get a down to business!

[ The Rock Obama picks up the telephone. ]

The Rock Obama: Katie? Hold calls.

[ The Rock Obama slams the phone down, crushing it and the stand. The senators are trembling. ]

The Rock Obama: Now! Where were we?

[ The Rock Obama points to Baucus. ]

The Rock Obama: You! Little man in suit.

Max Baucus: Me?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Why Finance Committee no have public option?

Max Baucus: I'm a Blue Dog Democrat. I have a different constituency.

The Rock Obama: You Blue Dog? Huh... me like dog.

Max Baucus: Thank you.

The Rock Obama: Bark for me!

Max Baucus: I'm sorry?

The Rock Obama: Bark for me like dog!

[ Sen. Baucus turns to the others and the President. Out of fear, he barks a few times like a terrier. The Rock Obama chuckles and claps. ]

The Rock Obama: Me like dog. Me no like you.

[ The Rock Obama gets up, grabs Baucus by the neck and flings him through the plate glass window. He then takes a seat and points to McConnell. ]

The Rock Obama: You!

Mitch McConnell: Who?!?

The Rock Obama: Why you no want fix health care?

Mitch McConnell: Well, uh... I'm just worried if there's uh -- pubic option -- people who like their insurance now would lose it.

The Rock Obama: You like your insurance?

Mitch McConnell: I do! I do!

[ The Rock Obama rises over Sen. McConnell and tears off his left arm and tosses out the window. ]

The Rock Obama: Better call your insurance!

[ Sen. McConnell nods in agreement. ]

The Rock Obama: Tell them you need a new arm!

Mitch McConnell: Okay! Okay!

The Rock Obama: Go now! Get arm!

Mitch McConnell: Out the window?

The Rock Obama: Yes! Like arm!

[ Sen. McConnell gets up and jumps out the window. The Rock Obama takes his seat. ]

The Rock Obama: Hmmmm... Hello Lady!

Olympia Snowe: Hello.

The Rock Obama: Come down...

[ Sen. Snowe inches herself closer to The Rock Obama. ]

The Rock Obama: Closer...

[ Sen. Snowe moves to the very end of the couch. ]

The Rock Obama: You Republican who vote for Baucus bill?

Olympia Snowe: Yes!

The Rock Obama: But you probably vote no health care on Senate floor.

Olympia Snowe: I might!

The Rock Obama: Tell truth!!

Olympia Snowe: No. Probably not.

[ The Rock Obama extends his right hand. ]

The Rock Obama: Put head in hand. I smash it now.

[ Sen. Snowe is shaken. ]

Olympia Snowe: Really?

[ VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN enters and scans both of them. ]

Joe Biden: Hello! Huh... who got you mad?

The Rock Obama: Senators!

Joe Biden: Always the senators! Uh, you might want to get out of here, Snowe.

[ Sen. Snowe wastes no time leaving. ]

Joe Biden: There you go... out the door. There you go..

[ The Vice President chuckles. ]

The Rock Obama: Senators make Barack Obama so angry.

Joe Biden: Hey! Look at me!

The Rock Obama: Barack Obama... so alone....

Joe Biden: No! C'mon! Look, you got me! Who's your pal?

The Rock Obama: Joe Biden is pal!

Joe Biden: That's right! C'mon -- take a seat.

[ The Vice President pulls up two chair for them to sit, which they do. ]

Joe Biden: C'mon, sit. Now look, things are tough right now. Everyone's asking the world of you, right? They want you to clean up a mess that wasn't yours in the first place.

The Rock Obama: It's true! Not my mess!

Joe Biden: That's right! You got generals running their mouths about policy, Goldman giving out billions in bonuses, and then the Nobel people gave you an award you had no right in winning!

[ The Rock Obama gets up and intimidates the Vice President. ]

Joe Biden: Okay, just a little early! Just a little early -- that's all!

[ The Rock Obama calms down and sits. The Vice President laughs. ]

Joe Biden: There is some good news.

The Rock Obama: What good news?

Joe Biden: I'll tell you some good news -- that kid who they thought was in a spaceship? Safe and sound! Back with his loving parents -- living in a box in the attic! And if that's not a great story this country can rally around, I don't what is!

The Rock Obama: That's a good story!

Joe Biden: Damn good story! Real good story!

[ A beat. ]

Joe Biden: Now I hope you don't get mad about this, but I made a Biden Blooper!

The Rock Obama: What did you do?

Joe Biden: I gave my dry cleaning to the Chinese ambassador.

The Rock Obama: Joe!

Joe Biden: Okay! I know the drill... All right, what do we do here? Go into the wall or window?

The Rock Obama: Wall!

Joe Biden: Wall it is! Geroni-Joe!!!

[ The Vice President hurls himself into the wall, which collapses. The President stand up. ]

The Rock Obama: Being President is so hard and "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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