09d: Gerard Butler / Shakira
The Rock Obama
The Rock Obama.....Dwayne Johnson
President Barack Obama.....Fred Armisen
Mitch McConnell.....Will Forte
Max Baucus.....Bill Hader
Olympia Snowe.....Jenny Slate
Joe Biden.....Jason Sudeikis
[ EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE - DAY ]
[ SUPER: THE WHITE HOUSE, OCTOBER 17, 2009 ]
[ INT. THE WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE ]
[ PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA stands next to his scheduling aide KATIE ]
President Barack Obama: So what's next on the schedule, Katie?
Katie: As per your request, Mr. President -- Senators Snowe, McConnell,
and Baucus are here to discuss health care.
President Barack Obama: That's great! You know, Katie, this is the closest we've
come to reform in this country. I just need everyone to behave.
Katie: So, you gonna get angry with them?
President Barack Obama: Now Katie -- no. You know I don't get angry. I find it
works better to kill them with kindness. Send them in.
[ Katie opens the door to the Oval Office and departs. GOP SEN. OLYMPIA
SNOWE, SENATE MINORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL, AND DEM. SEN. MAX BAUCUS
greet the President with a handshake and all take seats on the couch. The
President sits in front of his desk. ]
President Barack Obama: Now look, I asked you all here because I want everyone
here to have a voice in the health care reform debate. Now, Sen. Baucus,
you're a moderate Democrat, but thanks to your efforts in the Senate
Finance Committee, you have a voice!
[ Baucus smiles. ]
President Barack Obama: Sen. Snowe, you're a Republican who crossed party lines
to support the Baucus bill and you have a voice!
[ Snowe nods and winces a bit. ]
President Barack Obama: Sen. McConnell, as the Senate Minority Leader, I want you
to have a voice too. Now, uh, what can I do to bring the rest of the
Republican Party into the conversation.
Mitch McConnell: Well, uh, Mr. President, maybe I can explain the
Republican position -- it's not that we don't want health care to fail. We
don't! We just want you to fail. And defeating health care reform is the
best way to do that.
[ President Obama clenches his jaw. ]
Mitch McConnell: Because if you fix health care, that would be a big
victory for you and that's bad for us.
[ The President rubs his neck over and over. ]
Mitch McConnell: With that said, I could see us supporting health care but
only if you switch your position to AGAINST it.
[ The President shakes violently. ]
[ CUT TO pre-filmed close-up footage of the President bursting through his
clothes, a la The Incredible Hulk TO REVEAL a muscular President with torn
clothing, now being played by Dwayne Johnson, who SCREAMS. The senators
react in terror. ]
Mitch McConnell: Oh, my God! What happened?!
Max Baucus: What happened was... you made Barack Obama angry! And when you
make Barack Obama angry, he turns into... The Rock Obama!
[ TITLE CARD: THE ROCK OBAMA ]
Mitch McConnell: The Rock Obama?
[ The Rock Obama clears his throat. ]
The Rock Obama: Now, uh... don't be alarmed. The Rock Obama, much like,
uh... Barack Obama. Only stronger, and, uh... more angry! Now! We get a
down to business!
[ The Rock Obama picks up the telephone. ]
The Rock Obama: Katie? Hold calls.
[ The Rock Obama slams the phone down, crushing it and the stand. The
senators are trembling. ]
The Rock Obama: Now! Where were we?
[ The Rock Obama points to Baucus. ]
The Rock Obama: You! Little man in suit.
Max Baucus: Me?
The Rock Obama: Yes! Why Finance Committee no have public option?
Max Baucus: I'm a Blue Dog Democrat. I have a different constituency.
The Rock Obama: You Blue Dog? Huh... me like dog.
Max Baucus: Thank you.
The Rock Obama: Bark for me!
Max Baucus: I'm sorry?
The Rock Obama: Bark for me like dog!
[ Sen. Baucus turns to the others and the President. Out of fear, he barks
a few times like a terrier. The Rock Obama chuckles and claps. ]
The Rock Obama: Me like dog. Me no like you.
[ The Rock Obama gets up, grabs Baucus by the neck and flings him through
the plate glass window. He then takes a seat and points to McConnell. ]
The Rock Obama: You!
Mitch McConnell: Who? Uh...me!?
The Rock Obama: Why you no want fix health care?
Mitch McConnell: Well, uh... I'm just worried if there's uh -- pubic
option -- people who like their insurance now would lose it.
The Rock Obama: You like your insurance?
Mitch McConnell: I do! I do!
[ The Rock Obama rises over Sen. McConnell and tears off his left arm and
tosses out the window. ]
The Rock Obama: Better call your insurance!
[ Sen. McConnell nods in agreement. ]
The Rock Obama: Tell them you need a new arm!
Mitch McConnell: Okay! Okay!
The Rock Obama: Go now! Get arm!
Mitch McConnell: Out the window?
The Rock Obama: Yes! Like arm!
[ Sen. McConnell gets up and jumps out the window. The Rock Obama takes his seat. ]
The Rock Obama: Hmmmm... Hello Lady!
Olympia Snowe: Hello.
The Rock Obama: Come down...
[ Sen. Snowe inches herself closer to The Rock Obama. ]
The Rock Obama: Closer...
[ Sen. Snowe moves to the very end of the couch. ]
The Rock Obama: You Republican who vote for Baucus bill?
Olympia Snowe: Yes!
The Rock Obama: But you probably vote no health care on Senate floor.
Olympia Snowe: I might!
The Rock Obama: Tell truth!!
Olympia Snowe: No. Probably not.
[ The Rock Obama extends his right hand. ]
The Rock Obama: Put head in hand. I smash it now.
[ Sen. Snowe is shaken. ]
Olympia Snowe: Really?
[ VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN enters and scans both of them. ]
Joe Biden: Hello! Huh... who got you mad?
The Rock Obama: Senators!
Joe Biden: Always the senators! Uh, you might want to get out
of here, Snowe.
[ Sen. Snowe wastes no time leaving. ]
Joe Biden: There you go... out the door. There you go..
[ The Vice President chuckles. ]
The Rock Obama: Senators make Barack Obama so angry.
Joe Biden: Hey! Look at me!
The Rock Obama: Barack Obama... so alone....
Joe Biden: No! C'mon! Look, you got me! Who's your pal?
The Rock Obama: Joe Biden is pal!
Joe Biden: That's right! C'mon -- take a seat.
[ The Vice President pulls up two chair for them to sit, which they do. ]
Joe Biden: C'mon, sit. Now look, things are tough right now.
Everyone's asking the world of you, right? They want you to clean up a
mess that wasn't yours in the first place.
The Rock Obama: It's true! Not my mess!
Joe Biden: That's right! You got generals running their mouths
about policy, Goldman giving out billions in bonuses, and then the Nobel
people gave you an award you had no right in winning!
[ The Rock Obama gets up and intimidates the Vice President. ]
Joe Biden: Okay, just a little early! Just a little early --
[ The Rock Obama calms down and sits. The Vice President laughs. ]
Joe Biden: There is some good news.
The Rock Obama: What good news?
Joe Biden: I'll tell you some good news -- that kid who they
thought was in a spaceship? Safe and sound! Back with his loving parents
-- living in a box in the attic! And if that's not a great story this
country can rally around, I don't what is!
The Rock Obama: That's a good story!
Joe Biden: Damn good story! Real good story!
[ A beat. ]
Joe Biden: Now I hope you don't get mad about this, but I made
a Biden Blooper!
The Rock Obama: What did you do?
Joe Biden: I gave my dry cleaning to the Chinese ambassador.
The Rock Obama: Joe!
Joe Biden: Okay! I know the drill... All right, what do we do
here? Go into the wall or window?
The Rock Obama: Wall!
Joe Biden: Wall it is! Geroni-Joe!!!
[ The Vice President hurls himself into the wall, which collapses. The
President stand up. ]
The Rock Obama: Being President is so hard and "Live, from New York, it's
Submitted by: Cody Downs