Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:



November 7th, 2009

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift

None

Amy Poehler

None

End of An Era
Summary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) and other FOX News correspondents discuss the end of President Barack Obama's era following the '09 Special Election.

Recurring Characters: Karl Rove, Brit Hume, Glenn Beck.

Transcript


Montage


Taylor Swift's Monologue
Summary: Taylor Swift sings a song about the topics she won't be bringing up in her monologue.

Transcript


Carter N' Sons BBQ
Summary: In a commercial filmed years earlier, Ronnie Carter (Bobby Moynihan) and his clan promote Swine Fever with their all you can eat pork special.

Transcript


The View
Summary: The insipidly gabby talk show hostesses welcome Kate Gosselin (Taylor Swift) and Nicholas Cage (Andy Samberg).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Teen vampires and other monsters of the night run amok in the trailer for "firelight".


Hollywood Dish
Summary: Entertainment hosts Ray Trunk (Bill Hader) and Anastasia Sticks (Kristen Wiig) feign interest while interviewing Taylor Swift.


Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Drivers
Summary: Teenager Samantha Samuels (Taylor Swift) rallies against thoughtless parental driving habits in response to driving while texting complaints.

Transcript


Taylor Swift performs "You Belong With Me"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Once again, Nicholas Fehn (Fred Armisen) can't stay focused on whatever comical point he's trying to make. Sarah McLachlan (Abby Elliott) purports to discuss Lilith Fair, but instead annoys Seth Meyers with dying dog ads. Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler ask "Really!?!" in response to Goldman Sachs' hording of the swine flu vaccine despite massive shortages.

Recurring Characters: Nicholas Fehn.


Penelope
Summary: Penelope (Kristen Wiig) one-ups the happy couple (Bill Hader, Abby Elliott) at their wedding reception, irking guest June (Taylor Swift).

Recurring Characters: Penelope.

Transcript


Scared Straight
Summary: Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and Skeet Devlin (Taylor Swift) try to scare a trio of rowdy teenagers with prison experiences lifted out of popular movies.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.


Roomies
Summary: Bennett (Andy Samberg) wants time alone with Lexie (Nasim Pedrad), but she's more attached to her roommate Anna (Taylor Swift).

Transcript


Taylor Swift performs "Untouchable"


Bunny Business
Summary: Assorted musical acts perform various tracks from the soundtrack to "Bunny Business".

Recurring Characters: Natalie Merchant, Eddie Vedder, Christina Aguilera.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message From the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) waits for the red light that will signal an incoming job opportunity for the American public.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Note: This sketch served as the cold opening during dress rehearsal.


Scrapyard Gang
Summary: A football coach (Jason Sudeikis) panics when his female player (Taylor Swift) dies in the middle of the game.


Potato Chip Thief
Summary: Mr. Aymong (Jason Sudeikis) applies for a job as a NASA scientist, but blows his chances when he swipes one of Mr. Greenblatt's (Will Forte) 35 potato chips and lies about it.

Note: This sketch will air during the episode hosted by Blake Lively a month later.



SNL Transcripts