Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 5

09e: Taylor Swift


Andy.....Andy Samberg
June.....Taylor Swift
Penelope.....Kristen Wiig
Deejay....Will Forte
Bride.....Abby Elliott
Groom.....Bill Hader

[ open on interior, wedding reception, Andy and June standing in the middle of the room ]

Andy: Wow... what a touching ceremony. I've never been to a wedding where so many people cried.

June: I know! Nicole looked SO beautiful. I'm so glad I brought tissues.

[ suddenly, Penelope sidles into the conversation, tugging at the strands of her hair ]

Penelope: I brought tissues, too... Probably more tissues than you. I also brought paper towels, a beach towel, a sponge, and a Shamwow! I used them all up, they're wet... So, I guess Iím just a little more emotional than everyone else...

Andy: Oh. Honey, this is Penelope.

June: [ not sure how to approach someone like Penelope ] Hi. I'm June. I went to high school with Nicole.

Penelope: I went to college with Nicole, so... and her parents, and her neighbors... we all lived together in a dorm... I also went to school with the deejay, too, so... I probably know everyone here a little better than you.

June: Well, it's, uh -- it's nice to meet you.

[ cut to the deejay ]

Deejay: Hi, everybody! Two announcements. One: I hope you're ready to boogie tonight. [ the room claps ] Two: While we wait for the bride and groom to arrive, we'd like you all to take your seats, your salads have been served.

[ Penelope sidles in holding an empty plate ]

Penelope: I already ate my salad, so... It's my tenth salad today, so... I have a salad bar in my car!

Deejay: So, anyway, uh --

Penelope: The steering wheel is a big crouton! And it runs on bleu cheese dressing.

[ cut to Andy and June seated at a table ]

Andy: Wow, this table is beautiful. Look at all these cute little boxes.

June: My God, they are so cute... [ she opens one of the boxes ] Oh, my God! They have M&Ms in them!

Penelope: [ now seated next to them ] At my wedding, we had M&M&Ms, so... Just a few more Ms on our candy, so a little bit bigger, a little better. We also had L&L and O&O and Q&Qs... It's a little better than M&Ms... they're from Iceland, they're known for their chocolate.

Andy: Really.

[ cut to the deejay ]

Deejay: Alright, everybody, it's the moment we've been waiting for! If I could get you to look that way!

[ cut to Penelope, wearing horse blinders ]

Penelope: I'm already looking that way already, so... It's the only way I'm looking, so I guess I'm just a little more focused than everyone else.

June: [ aghast ] Are those horse blinders?! Really?!

Deejay: Now, everyone, I would like to introduce for the VERY fist time ever: Mr. & Mrs. Nicole and Steve Parker!

[ the happy couple enters the room, as Todd Rundgren's "Band On the Drum All Day" plays ]

June: They look so cute!

[ the couple raise their arms triumphantly, then, all of a sudden, Penelope is squeezed between them holding up her arms linked within theirs ]

June: Oh, my God! What is she doing?!

Bride: Thanks so much for coming, everyone! It means so much that you're all here tonight!

Groom: Yeah, but don't drink too much, I still have to pay for the honeymoon!

Bride: Yeah!

[ Penelope pops up from the floor ]

Penelope: I just got back from my honeymoon, so... We went to the moon, actually, it's made of honey...

[ Penelope lowers herslf out of frame ]

Groom: Well, uh -- enjoy your dinners, everyone!

[ the happy couple approaches the main table ]

June: What was she doing up there? that is so rude!

Andy: June, relax, okay? Let's just have a good time. Why don't you clink your glass, so they have to kiss? You love doing that at weddings.

June: [ smiling ] I do love seeing people kiss at weddings!

[ they each clink their forks upon their glasses, but the sound is soon drowned out by a louder clinking ]

[ cut to Penelope clinking an oversized glass ]

[ nevertheless, the happy couple kiss ]

June: Penelope is RUINING this entire reception!

Andy: Look -- you making a scene isn't going to make it any better.

June: Well, she's ruining their day!

[ Penelope pop up between them from the floor ]

Penelope: This is my day, so... I bought it from the government, it's National Penelope Day in fourteen countries. The children celebrate by running into the streets. The Post Office is closed, but I still get my mail, so...

June: Really?!

Andy: Honey...

June: Wow! [ she stands to ocnfront Penelope ] "National Penelope Dat"?! [ Penelope nods ] Well, you know what? The month of June was actually named after me. And, uh, you know what else? Uh, every night before I go to sleep, I take my feet off. And if I close my eyes REAL tight, I can, uh -- oh! -- I can watch "Toy Story on my eyelids! And... my momís a roller coaster, and I was born in the, uh -- in the 1930s! [ she begins to tug at the strands of her hair ] So what do you have to say about that, Penelope? Uhhh...

Penelope: Well, I guess all I can say is that: Before I go to sleep, my feet take me off and they go to bed! When I close my eyes really tight, I can watch movies On-Demand. I can choose whatever I want, so... Itís free, because I know a guy. My mom is Six Flags, my dadís Busch Gardens, so... Whenever I want to, I can turn into a black-and-white movie star from the 1930s...

June: Are you serious?! Are you kidding me right now?!

Andy: [ jumping to his feet ] Why don't we just go relax and get something to drink, okay?

June: You know what? Let's go to the bar... I need... drinks... [ she points a finger at Penelope ] Do NOT come with us!

Andy: Let's just go.

[ they exit to the next room ]

[ Penelope is left standing alone at the table, although she has mysteriously acquired a mink wrap ]

Penelope: I don't need to go to the bar, because I already had fifty margaritas, so...

[ suddenly, Penelope turns into black-and-white ]

Penelope: I'm gonna get in my black-and-white car now, but I'm not gonna drive because I'm drunk. So... just a little drunk right now.

[ fade ]

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