Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 5












09e: Taylor Swift

Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Drivers

Samantha Samuels.....Taylor Swift
Dad.....Jason Sudeikis
Mom.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on gawky teenager addressing the camera in front of blue background ]

Samantha Samuels: Hi. I'm Samantha Samuels. You know, teens have gotten a lot of flak recently for DWT, or: Driving While Texting.

[ cut to footage of teenager texting while driving ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: And, it's true -- driving while texting can be very dangerous.

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: But teens aren't the only bad drivers. In fact, many of the worst drivers... are parents. That's why I founded: Teens Raising Awareness About Awful Parent Driving. [ reveal product card ] Or... T.R.A.A.A.P.D. We'll teach about such serious problems as:

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Lecturing.

Dad: Okay. Well, if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to start ACTING like an adult!!

Samantha Samuels: You're driving on the sidewalk.

Dad: You -- [ he looks up at the road and twists the wheel ] Whoa! Whoa!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom, who's reaching behind the back seat ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to get somthing out of Your Purse.

Samantha Samuels: Mom! I don't need a tissue!

Mom: I think you do!

Samantha Samuels: Mo-o-o-o-o-mmmmm!! [ cars start honking ] STOP!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Trying to Balance Hot Coffee.

[ Dad places the coffee cup between his legs, then screams as it topples ]

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Racing to Nordstrom for a Sweater Sale.

Mom: [ leaning out of window ] Out of my way, nimrods!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Giving the "Birds and the Bees" Talk.

Dad: And then the man will take... that erection, and... he will place it in the, uh --

[ having had enough, Samantha jerks the wheel ]

Dad: Hey! No! No! You will NOT crash this car!

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: These unsafe driving habits are practiced by parents everywhere. And there's more. Like:

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Arguing with the GPS.

GPS: Turn left.

Dad: Ah, you don't know what you're talking about!

GPS: Turn left.

Dad: NO!!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While revealing Family Secrets.

Mom: You know, before me, your father was married to a Korean woman.

[ Samantha grimaces ]

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving while Trying to Find a Cellphone You Dropped.

[ the cellphone is ringing, as Dad roots around with one eye on the road ]

Dad: Where the hell is it?

Samantha Samuels: [ leaning forward ] I think it's inside the dashboard.

Dad: How the hell did that happen?!

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Dad ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Having a Sarcastic Conversation with the Car in Front of You.

Dad: No, no, no, no -- don't use your turn signal! After you, Your Highness! After you! [ his eyes widen ] Oh! He's got a gun! e's got a gun! [ he pulls Samantha under the dashboard ]

[ cut to Samantha in car with her Mom ]

Samantha Samuels V/O: Driving While Singing Along to a Song You don't Know the Lyrics to.

Mom: [ singing badly ] "Letís build a love gate. See a love frame. Do you hear doves? Is it a pain? Am I in the way..."

[ return to Samantha ]

Samantha Samuels: See? Maybe teen drivers aren't so bad after all. Maybe you should let me borrow the car on Friday.

[ Mom steps forward ]

Mom: Honey, why is there a hidden camera in our car?

Samantha Samuels: [ embarrassed ] Mo-o-o-ommmm!! Get out! You're ruining my commerical!!

[ product card ]

Dad V/O: This ad was paid for by Samantha Samuels... with money she stole from her dad's desk. Samantha...!

[ fade ]


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