Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7










09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Sarcastic Thanksgiving Dinner

Nancy.....Abby Elliott
Judith.....Kristen Wiig
Steve.....Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Terry.....Will Forte
Phil.....Jason Sudeikis

[Opens with a shot of a house at night. Cut to inside the house and there is a family eating Thanksgiving dinner. There is a tense, miserable atmosphere at the table]

Nancy: Anyone care for another helping of creamed beans? [silence] Phil, beans? [ Angry, Phil shows his plate full of beans] Terry? Creamed beans?

Terry: [offended] What?

Nancy: More beans?

Terry: No, Nancy.

Nancy: I slave for days in that kitchen...

Steve: We know mom! You said it a million times.

[tense silence]

Judith: A lot of traffic coming here tonight. Must be a concert.

Phil: [dripping sarcasm] Oh! Wow! Thank you!

Terry: [snippy] So apparently....

[Everyone jumps on Judith's ass talking at once, Judith gets up to leave the table]

Phil: SIT DOWN!

Terry: SIT DOWN!

Nancy: SIT DOWN!

Steve: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Come on Judith! Sit down!

[Judith fuming sits down]

[tense silence]

Nancy: Steven, since it is Thanksgiving and you're the only son who made it here today, would you like to do the traditional Thanksgiving toast?

Steve: No.

Nancy: You have nothing to say?

Steve: Nope.

Nancy: So, no?

Steve: Nope.

Judith: He said no.

[Hateful looks back and forth between Nancy and Judith]

[tense silence]

Terry: So, I, uh, brought a pumpkin cheesecake. Anyone ever try that? Pumpkin cheesecake?

Judith: I've had pumpkin cheesecake.

[Sarcasm from everybody towards Judith]

Phil: Really? Wow!

Terry: I want to hear everything about it! Pumpkin cheesecake? I want the recipe!

[All talking at once. Judith gets up to leave the table]

Terry: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Come on!

Steve: SIT DOWN!

Phil: Sit down! In your chair, Judith!

[Fuming Judith sits down]

Nancy: More wine?

[Everyone raises their glasses]

Phil: Yes, please!

Terry: Yes.

Steve: Yes.

Judith: Yes.

Steve: [drinks] Um, Nectar of the gods.

Phil: [annoyed] Ugh, come on. Don't say nectar.

Steve: It's what we call it on the cruise ship.

[sarcasm towards Steven]

Phil: Oh! Cruise ship!

Terry: Congratulations!

Phil: Nobody cares!

Steve: Well, at least I'm not in jail like Judith's son.

Judith: You know what?

[Judith gets up to leave and everyone jumps on her ass again]

Phil: SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!

Terry: SIT DOWN! COME ON!

[Judith sits. More tense silence]

Terry: This is a nightmare.

Phil: Who said that?

Terry: I did!

Phil: Did you now?

Terry: Ye-e-eah!

Phil: This is a nightmare? You don't know nightmares!

[Everyone talking at once, Steven gets up]

Steve: JUST STOP IT! Look at us! We're a family and mom's right. This is a day for being thankful. You know what? [raises glass] I do have a Thanksgiving toast. I recall the words of a wise and wonderful Native American woman that I met in my cruise ship. Words that comforted me in those first couple of lonesome weeks as a sea performer. Found out later she was actually quoting a song. Greatest song ever written. [sings Wilson Phillips hit] Someday, somebody's is gonna make you turn around and say goodbye...

[All at the table sing, joining in harmoniously]

Everyone: Till then baby, are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry...

Phil: Don't you know?

[Everyone has arms on each others shoulders]

Everyone: Don't you know? Things will change, things will go your way, if you hold on for one more day. Yeah! If you ho-o-old on!

Judith: Wa, wa, wa, wa, wa....

Nancy: [angry] Oh, that's En Vogue, Judith!

Terry: Judith, come on! You ruined it!

[Everyone shouts at Judith to sit down, Judith finally leaves, the family keeps screaming]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]


Submitted: by: Waldo San Miguel


SNL Transcripts