Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 7
















09g: Joseph Gordon-Levitt / Dave Matthews Band

Woman to Woman

Roger Brush.....Fred Armisen
Todd.....Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Woman.....Kristen Wiig
Laura O'Shoney.....Jenny Slate
Barbara Way.....Abby Elliott

[ opening show graphics ]

Announcer: You're watching "Woman to Woman"... with host, Dr. Danilla Reese. Dr. Danilla is a psychologist specializing in women's issues, no matter how personal. Now, please welcome Dr. Danilla Reese.

[ dissolve to the set, where producer Roger Brush sits ]

Roger Brush: Uh -- Dr. Danilla is not here today. She's sick, she's got a 104 degree fever, she's puking all over the place! I'm Roger Brush, I produce the show. I told her, "Don't worry about it, honey, I'm gonna cover the show. You feel better, okay?" Now, right about now, uh, Danilla starts the show by taking questions from the audience. Uh, so who's our first girl? Did I get that right, Todd?

Todd: [ in a soft-spoken voice ] That's exactly right. Our first guest has a question about relationships.

[ Woman steps up and takes the microphone ]

Woman: [ nervously ] Hi. I-I feel like ever since I had my first child, my husband isn't as attracted to me, and... I worry that it might be my stretch marks --

Roger Brush: Honey? I can't hear a WORD you're saying!

Woman: Um -- my-my stretch marks. What is the best way to get rid of them?

Roger Brush: WHAT?!

Woman: My... my stretch marks!

Roger Brush: You know, you're gonna have to get RIGHT UP on that mike, Sweetie! Todd, what did she say?

Todd: Her stretch marks!

Roger Brush: Yeah, what ABOUT 'EM?!

Todd: They're long and dark, and she wants to get rid of them!

Woman: No, no, I never said that --

Todd: Oh, sorry! [ he holds up his clipboard ] That's just what it says here on --

Roger Brush: Okay, okay! So what's the problem?!!

Woman: [ screaming ] I have very LOOOONG STRETCH MARKS!!

Roger Brush: Okay, I understand! Okay, I see it all now, honey! Let me tell you what to do. Go to the FLOWER STORE, get a bunch of FLOWERS, and you take 'em to your HUSBAND, and you say... "I'm sorry." [ he leans back confidently ]

Woman: That d-doesn't sound right...

Roger Brush: Well, I don't know what to TELL YA', Honey! THAT'S my answer, you know?! I'm up here TRYING to help! If YOU'VE got a BETTER IDEA, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT!! Todd, who's next? Let's help these ladies out!

[ Woman steps down, as Laura O'Shoney steps up ]

Todd: This is, uh, Laura O'Shoney She wants to ask you about a particular problem she's having with her boyfriend.

Laura O'Shoney: Uh, hi. This is really embarrassing... it's, uh, kind of, uh, personal --

Roger Brush: Sweetie?! You GOTTA speak up!!

Laura O'Shoney: Oh. Uh, uh, uh -- I'm dating a guy and, uh, we conect on every level and I love him, but, uh, I can't, uh, achieve an orgasm with him, and I'm just wondering what should I... do?

Roger Brush: Agh!! Honey, I can't hear a WORD you're sayin'!! You have to E-NUN-CI-ATE!!

Laura O'Shoney: I can't, um -- I can't achieve an orgasm with my boyfriend...

Roger Brush: You can't WHAT?!!

Laura O'Shoney: I can't achieve an orgasm!

Roger Brush: Who can't achieve WHAT?!!

Laura O'Shoney: [ now frightened ] I can't... I can't achieve an orgasm...

Roger Brush: WHAT?!! Turn your -- turn your mouth toward me!

Laura O'Shoney: You know, that's okay... I-I'll figure it out, if that's... you know...

Roger Brush: No, no, sweetie!! What's your problem?!

Todd: She can't achieve an orgasm with her boyfriend.

[ Laura O'Shoney is extremely embarrassed now ]

Roger Brush: Todd! Why aren't you talking for her?!

Todd: Well, she needs good sound advice. Mr. Brush, I think we should ocntinue this another time, when Dr. Danilla gets better.

Roger Brush: Todd, SHUT UP!! Let me help her out! Okay. Young lady, here's my advice, okay? You go home... then you put on som lipstick... and you put on some eyeshadow... and you get your hair done... and you come home to your boyfriend and you say, "I'm sorry, baby."

Laura O'Shoney: Um... sorry for wha-at?

Roger Brush: Honey... I don't know what else to tell ya'! [ he leans back confidently ] I gave you a WHOLE list of things to do... y-you're gonna have to make SOME kind of effort!!

Todd: You know, Danilla probably would have told her that she needs to express her needs in bed, to HELP her partner, DISCOVER her own needs, and ACHIEVE the orgasms she has been dreaming of!

Roger Brush: First of all, Todd: I can't hear a WORD you're sayin'! Second of all: I know what I'm doing, okay, buddy?! Who's the next girl?!

[ Laura O'Shoney steps down ]

Todd: Her name is, uh... [ he looks at his clipboard ] Barbara Way.

[ Barbara Way steps up ]

Barbara Way: No. I've changed my mind. I'dd rather not.

[ she steps down ]

Roger Brush: That's fine. Okay. I think, right about now, is when Danilla does her Words of Inspiration. ADVICE! Okay, what would Danilla say right here, uh: If you got something wrong with you, like, you know, like STRETCH MARKS, or you can't figure out how to do an ORGASM, or, you know, maybe you don't have a lot going on up here! [ he indicates his chest ] The BEST thing to do is: Just 'fess is, admit it, and say you're sorry!

Todd: No! No! I think Danilla would have said: "Stay strong, and stay true to yourself, and don't be afraid to accept the woman that is you... and you will be that acceptable woman."

Roger Brush: Todd! Nobody can hear you at all! When we come back, Dr. Laura Baum from Sloan-Kendring is gonna show us how to do a self-breast exam! [ he grimaces ] Uhh -- See you next time on "Woman to Woman"!

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

[ fade ]


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