Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 8

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

December 5th, 2009

Blake Lively





White House Crashers
Summary: While President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) delivers a speech in Allentown, Pennsylvania, Tareq (Bobby Moynihan) and Michaele Salahi (Kristen Wiig) pose for pictures in the background.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Joseph Biden.



Blake Lively's Monologue
Summary: Blake Lively sings Christmas carols with Muppets Animal (Bill Hader), Gonzo (Bobby Moynihan), Beaker (Kristen Wiig), Fozzie Bear (Jason Sudeikis), Swedish Chef (Andy Samber), Zoot (Fred Armisen), and Janice (Jenny Slate).

Recurring Characters: Swedish Chef, Animal, Beaker, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Zoot.


Carter N' Sons BBQ
Summary: In a commercial filmed years earlier, Ronnie Carter (Bobby Moynihan) and his clan promote Swine Fever with their all you can eat pork special.

Note: Repeat from 09e.

Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989
Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the veginal cream sponsorship flowing in lieu of focusing on bowling match between Donna Saint Louis (Kristen Wiig) and Michelle Rayburn-Gene (Blake Lively).

Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.


The Situation Room
Summary: Tiger Woods (Kenan Thompson) apologizes for his transgressions, while his wife (Blake Lively) repeatedly beats him up off-camera.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Tiger Woods.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Rihanna performs a duet with "Shy Ronnie" (Andy Samberg).


Gossip Girl: Staten Island
Summary: It's a whole other world for Chandelier Martini (Blake Lively) and the gang on the other side of the ferry.

Kickspit Underground Rock Festival
Summary: DJ Super Soak (Jason Sudeikis) and Lil Blaster (Nasim Pedrad) promote the under-underground rock festival that features viruses, pitchforks and the late Ass Dan.

Note: This sketch finally airs after being cut from the dress rehearsals of a couple of earlier episodes from this season.


Rihanna performs "Russian Roulette"

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson) mumbledly-jumbledly explains his new hip-hop album. Brittany Murphy (Abby Elliott) wanders behind the desk with the mistaken belief that she's hosting tonight's show.

Recurring Characters: Bill Cosby.

Note: The Brittany Murphy commentary is cut from repeats following her unexpected death two weeks after this episode aired.

Skirt Shopping
Summary: Virginiaca Hastings (Kenan Thompson) takes her stepdaughter (Blake Lively) skirt shopping.

Recurring Characters: Virginiaca Hastings.


Summary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) declares that he's a man in a lady's wig and UPS's gift to the world.


Late Night with Chris Hansen
Summary: Having captured his share of online predators, Chris Hansen (Bill Hader) now surprises unsuspecting celebrity guests on the set of his own late night talk show.

Recurring Characters: Cher, Keanu Reeves, Philip Seymour Hoffman.


Summary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) plans on making more commercials for UPS, and having sex with stick figure ladies.


Rihanna with Young Jeezy performs "Hard"

Potato Chip Thief
Summary: Mr. Aymong (Jason Sudeikis) applies for a job as a NASA scientist, but blows his chances when he swipes one of Mr. Greenblatt's (Will Forte) 35 potato chips and lies about it.

Note: This sketch was originally cut from the dress rehearsal for the episode hosted by Taylor Swift earlier in the season.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Summary: Andy Azula (Bill Hader) again declares that he's a man in a lady's wig and UPS's gift to the world.

News Team Promo
Summary: News anchor (Fred Armisen) frustrates a director (Bill Hader) by not cooperating during a promo shoot.

International Masterworks
Summary: Norwegian actors perform an American restaurant scene without losing their thick accents.

Paparazzi Brothers
Summary: Tasked with taking photos at their family's Christmas party, two brothers (Bill Hader, Fred Armisen) tackle the assignment like they were members of the paparazzi.

SNL Transcripts