09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna
Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989
Pete Twinkle.....Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink.....Will Forte
Donna Saint Louis.....Kristen Wiig
Michelle Rayburn-Gene.....Blake Lively
[ open on ESPN Classic logo ]
Announcer: You're watching ESPN Classic. Come on, man... go talk to your wife and kids!
Pete Twinkle V/O: If you're looking for hard rolling, lady bowling action -- you're in the right place! It's the Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament! And today's match-up is one for the ages! Featuring Donna Saint Louis! And rookie sensation "The Jackhammer": Michelle Rayburn-Gene!
[ dissolve to commentators Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the booth ]
Pete Twinkle: Good evening! I'm Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary -- and, boy oh boy, can this guy make one HELL of a pulled pork sandwich -- Greg Stink!
Greg Stink: [ nasally ] Ah, thanks, Pete! It's our fifth anniversary in the booth, and I got a present for ya' -- it's a bracelet! -- I'll give it to ya' later, it's in my duffle!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, that's real sweet of ya'! Why don't we meet tonight's players?
[ reveal Donna Saint Louis squeezing her fingers together ]
Pete Twinkle: Up first, we've got Donna Saint Louis! Now, Greg, correct me if I'm wrong, but, uh, hasn't Donna been undefeated since mid-April?
Greg Stink: [ smiling like a jackass ] Haw haw, I don't know!
Pete Twinkle: Okay, well, she has.
Greg Stink: Oh, good!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] But "The Jackhammer", Michelle Rayburn-Gene, has taken the lead by storm!
[ reveal Michelle Rayburn-Gene spraying her hair and squatting ]
Pete Twinkle: Look at this! Movie star looks with an arm that cooks! And there's a clever use of the hair dryer right there. Now, Greg, she got the nickname "The Jackhammer" because she throws the ball so gosh-darn hard! Have you ever seen someone so young throw so hard?
Greg Stink: Oh, I suuuure have!
Pete Twinkle: Well, do you remember any names, or specifics as to where?
Greg Stink: Come to think about it, I'm not sure! I'm gonna retract that statement! I'm NOT sure if I've seen someone throw that hard!
Pete Twinkle: Oh, alright! Well, don't beat yourself up about it!
Greg Stink: Well, if I remember it, Il'l let ya' know!
Pete Twinkle: Okay, you just keep us posted, buddy! [ he laughs ] A little SHOUT-OUT to our sponsor! Vagisil! When you get a surprise, between your thighs -- Vagisil! Now, Greg, let me ask you something: How does a lady bowler get to this point?
Greg Stink: Well, if they don't bathe enough... if they wear the same bowling pants over and over again, genetics --
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, Greg, I'm sorry, that's my fault! That's my fault. I, uh -- I wasn't about why someone would need to use a great product like Vagisil! I meant, how does someone become a professional bowler?
Greg Stink: Aw, NO IDEA!! [ he laughs ] Probably a long process...
Pete Twinkle: Hmm, yeah, I bet that's true! [ he laughs ] Alright! Vagisil! When dryness lingers, get some cream on those fingers! Vagisiiiil! Okay, it looks like Donna Saint Louis is up first!
[ cut to Donna throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]
Pete Twinkle: Here she rolls -- oh, look at that form! Great form! There's the ball... [ she rolls a strike ] OH! And it's a STRIKE!! Look at that! How about that, Greg! What a start, huh!
Greg Stink: Pete, she's gotta be careful here --
Pete Twinkle: Oh, Greg, now why is that?
Greg Stink: Well, two more strikes and she is OUT of there!
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no... Now, hold on, Greg. I -- you know, I think you're thinking about baseball.
[ he laughs loudly ] Yeah, you're probably right! I DO NOT know this game! It is an ABSOLUTE mystery to me!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Well, one thing that's not a mystery is the quality of Vagisil! VAGISIL!! I scream, you scream... we ALL scream for vagina cream! [ extended beat ] VAG-I-SIL!! Let's get back to the game! "The Jackhammer" is up!
[ cut to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]
Pete Twinkle: Alright, here she comes... tiny steps. Look at that big throw. There it is! Anything can happen...
[ gutter ball ]
Pete Twinkle: Ohhhh, no! Oh, not the outcome she was looking for...
[ furious, Michelle grabs a bowling ball and throws it across the air ]
Pete Twinkle: And this is where the TEMPER comes out!!
[ the bowling bowl bounces across the guys' booth ]
Pete Twinkle: OKAY!! HOLEY MOLEY!! [ laughing ] Ho-ho-ho! EVERYBODY'S getting involved tonight!
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] What was that!
Pete Twinkle: Wha--? That was a -- that was a BALL, Greg!
Greg Stink: Oh, I thought it was a bird!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] What! What are you watching, buddy?
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I don't know!
Pete Twinkle: Now, Greg, how does she get out of this mess?
Greg Stink: Well, I think the instructions are on the back of the tube --
Pete Twinkle: No, no, no, no, no! No, Greg! Greg, I'm sorry about that! I was talking about the, uh, SPARE! You know -- how should a rookie deal with this on her second roll?
Greg Stink: OH! She gets a second roll!
Pete Twinkle: Ho, man! Greg Stink -- best color man in the biz! Alright, let's go back down on the floor and see if she can't pick up that spare!
[ return to Michelle throwing her bowling ball down the lane ]
Pete Twinkle: "The Jackhammer" has a very unique toss in this type of situation. There it is, the windmill! And giving baby to what looks like a... A SPARE!! She got it!! Celebrating with her signature Jackhammer Shuffle! Look at that! Ho-ho-ho, man! The crowd loves it! Absolutely wonderful! You ever seen that before?
Greg Stink: Now, how much longer is this gonna take?
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Why, Greg? You gotta be somewhere?
Greg Stink: Yeah! Saturday morning, like every cartoon in the book is on!
Pete Twinkle: Ha! Greg, I've always wanted to ask you something: What's the highest level of education you've completed?
Greg Stink: [ laughing ] I'll never tell! My lips are sealed!
Pete Twinkle: Oh. yeah? Speaking of sealed lips -- VAGISIL!! We'll be right back!
[ fade ]