Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 8

09h: Blake Lively / Rihanna

Blake Lively's Monologue

.....Blake Lively
Zoot.....Fred Armisen
Animal.....Bill Hader
Swedish Chef.....Andy Samberg
Janice.....Jenny Slate
Fozzie.....Jason Sudeikis
Beaker.....Kristen Wiig

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Blake Lively!

Blake Lively: Thank you so much! Thank you very much! It's great to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live". I love New York this time of year; there's nothing like Christmas in the city. Today is the first day is snowed -- so that's why I wore my winter clothes.

[ Blake showcases her sexy short, strapless red satin dress to the audience, who in turn, take a hearty laugh. ]

Blake Lively: It's so exciting being here this week at 30 Rockefeller Center because they just had the Annual Tree Lighting. You can see it right out the window! In fact, let's take a look at the tree right now...


Blake Lively: It's beautiful! After the tree lighting ceremony, we went to a party. Aretha Franklin was there, Mayor Bloomberg? and I met the Muppets!

[ A couple members of the audience cheer. ]

Blake Lively: Oh yeah! Do they know how to party! The next day, Fozzie and Gonzo sent me a series of inappropriate text messages. Word of advice -- if you?re at a club at four in the morning, don?t give your number to a Muppet.

[ The Swedish Chef slides onto Home Base. ]

Swedish Chef: Bork, bork!"

Blake Lively: Oh? great! Hey, Swedish Chef!

[ Swedish Chef mutters gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: Yes, I got your text.

[ Swedish Chef mutters more gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: Yeah, I got the photo too. It took me a while to figure out what the photo was.

[ Swedish Chef laughs. Blake gives an uncomfortable laugh afterwards and starts pushing him away. ]

Blake Lively: Yeah, it was great to see you again, but I really have to get going with the show now.

[ Swedish Chef stops Blake for a moment and delivers more gibberish. She sighs. ]

Blake Lively: Okay -- you can tell one joke.

[ Swedish Chef delivers his gibberish. Blake rolls her eyes. ]

Blake Lively: Who?s there?

[ Swedish Chef garbles the same words. ]

Blake Lively: Smorgi Borg Who?

[ Swedish Chef utters a play on the words he's been saying all along. ]

Blake Lively: That's filthy!

[ Swedish Chef signals to the Blake?s stage right. ]

Fozzie: Wocka Wocka!

[ Fozzie, Beaker, Gonzo, and Animal come onto Home Base. ]

Gonzo: Why don't we kick off the holiday season with a holiday song?

Blake Lively: I don't know if we have time, guys.

[ Swedish Chef starts warbling to "White Christmas" in his dialect. ]

Blake Lively: No. Stop -- please.

Fozzie: She's right! We can?t get the rights to that!

[ Beaker starts "meeping" out of nervousness. Animal starts screaming for the sake of it. ]

Blake Lively: Can you just pick a song and so we can get on with the show?

Gonzo: I get it! You don't want us up here!

Fozzie: You may be pretty in person on the outside, but in the end, we're all just the same on the inside -- we all have a giant hand shoved up our keister to make us talk and move around!

Blake Lively: You're the only ones who have that.

[ The Muppets faces turn from confidence to sad reality. ]

Fozzie: Wocka.

[ Fozzie takes a beat to ponder and hangs his head. ]

Fozzie: Wocka.

Gonzo: Come on guys! She doesn?t like us.

[ The Muppets make their way off Home Base. Blake drops her shoulders and sighs. ]

Blake Lively: No guys -- wait. I'm sorry.

[ The Muppets stop and start to turn back to Home Base. ]

Blake Lively: In fact, I know one we can sing.

Gonzo: Really!? You mean it!?

Blake Lively: Yeah? why not? Swedish Chef?

[ Swedish Chef delivers his signature gibberish and looks up. Snow starts to fall. ]

Blake Lively: You got me snow!

[ Swedish Chef gibbers some more. Zoot and Janice appear next to him and being playing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing". ]

All: [singing]
"Hark the Herald Angels Sing"

[ Animal screams the GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING lyric in screams. ]

All: [singing]
"Peace on Earth and mercy mild"

[ Swedish Chef gibbers the GOD AND SINNERS RECONCILED lyric. ]

Beaker: [singing]
"Joyful, all ye nations rise
Join the triumph of the skies
With the angelic host proclaim:
Christ is born in Bethlehem"

[ Beaker "meeps" the last two sentences. Swedish Chef leads everyone to sing GLORY TO THE NEWBORN KING in his gibberish. ]

Blake Lively: We have a great show! Rihanna is here!

[ Animal creeps up behind Blake and screams. She's startled. ]

Blake Lively: So stick around! We?ll be right back!

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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