Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9












09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Doorbells And More

Bobby.....Bobby Moynihan
Nasim.....Nasim Pedrad
Tina Tina Cheneuse.....Jenny Slate
Fred.....Fred Armisen
Abby.....Abby Elliott
Taylor.....Taylor Lautner

[ Bobby steps up to Nasim's door and rings the ordinary doorbell ]

[ doorbell rings ]

Bobby: Nice doorbell. [ he walks off ]

Nasim: [ opens door ] Oh, no! Come back! [ to camera ] I hate my doorbell!

[ Tina Tina Cheneuse enters frame ]

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Has this ever happened to you? You lost a friend 'cause you got a boring doorbell? Hi, hello! I'm Tina Tina Cheneuse. Do you enjoy a fly, fancy lifestyle? Then, why is your doorbell so vanilla? Come on down to Doorbells And More.

[ she steps in front of a wall display of fancy doorbells ]

Okay, here's what a regular doorbell sounds like.

[ she presses a button on the doorbell, emitting the customary ding-dong ]

No! I'm tired of that! You need a custom-made doorbell that speaks to you -- like this. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Holl-o! You got a new doorbell!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Yes, that is my voice. Why should it not be? This is my idea. At Doorbells And More, we got all, every kind of doorbells. Happy doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Come inside my house! Hall-o!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Funny doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Knock, knock! Who's there? Doorbell! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: International doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Bonjour! Ooh la la! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: I can even do fancy doorbells: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Hello! Wine and cheese! Ding dong!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Or doorbells for special occasions: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! I'm getting married today! Hall-o!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Are you an individual? Guess what? I know, we got a doorbell for every person. Just come up and ask me.

[ Bobby steps forward ]

Bobby; I bet you don't have a doorbell for somebody who likes cars!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Okay. Here it is. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Honk, honk! Your doorbell! Ding dong! Car!

Bobby; You did it.

[ Fred steps forward ]

Fred; What about me? I like computers.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Check this out. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Router! Netflix! What?

Fred; Good.

[ Abby steps forward ]

Abby; What about me? I like animals!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Okay. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Wolf! Bears!

Abby; Fine!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And hall-o, it's Christmas! Why not try a holiday doorbell, like this: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Jingle bell, jingle bell! Answer your door!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Are you religious? [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Happy birthday, Jesus!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Or if you're Jewish: [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Hanukkah house!

Tina Tina Cheneuse: And what about when it's time for your holiday visitors to leave? [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Good-bye. I need to read my magazines.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: Not unique enough? Be quiet! Let's listen to a testimonial from some person.

[ Taylor steps forward, unenthused ]

Taylor; Tina Tina made these doorbells.

Tina Tina Cheneuse: That's all you got to say? Oh, no. I baby sat you for ten years, and this is what you do? [ he exits ] Oh, my Goooood. [ she faces the camera ] So, come on down to Doorbells And More, and get the fantasy doorbell of your dreams. [ she pushes a button ]

Voice on Doorbell; Ding dong! Bing boom! Okay! Hey, hey! What?

Tina Tina Cheneuse: That's a good one! Bye, bye!

[ fade ]


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