Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 9

09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi


Tim Finchem......Jason Sudeikis

[ open on PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: And now, the final message from the PGA Tour.

[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, flask in hand and tie wrapped around his head, seated drunkenly at booth ]

Tim Finchem: [ singing ] "It's the eye of the tiger..." The wandering eye of a JERK!! [ he looks up and smiles ] oh, heeey there! Tim Finchem, suicide watch. Um -- the pga tour is back. Huh? Did I mention the golf cart races? [ he sips from his flask, spits, then gets serious ] Okay, look -- I want to thank our newest sponsors: the Erie, Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce... the letter "Q"... and, uh -- and seltzer! If you're looking for bubbles, you're looking for seltzer! It's great to have you guys on board. All right? Hey. You know that saying -- that saying that "Any publicity is good publicity"? Who said that? Seriously! Who said that?! I want his name and his address! Because he's a LIAR!!

[ he hoists his flask to his mouth, then falls short and makes a raspberry ]

Tim Finchem: Hey, you know what? On the tour, we've got Steve Elkington... and we got a guy named Henrik Stenson... and there's a dude named Whitey Whiterson... and "Trust Fund" Jones III. You know -- just regular dudes dudes can relate to! [ he swallows, then breaks down ] Oh, we've literally got nobody, okay? We have NOBODY! [ he starts to weep ] Aw, just stop it! Just stop the commercial! [ he leans back and screams ] TIIIIGERRRR!!

[ return to PGA Tour logo ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour. P.S.: Yikes!

[ fade ]

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