09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi
PGA Tour III
Tim Finchem......Jason Sudeikis
[ open on PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: And now, the final message from the PGA Tour.
[ dissolve to Tim Finchem, flask in hand and tie wrapped around his head, seated drunkenly at booth ]
Tim Finchem: [ singing ] "It's the eye of the tiger..." The wandering eye of a JERK!! [ he looks up and smiles ] oh, heeey there! Tim Finchem, suicide watch. Um -- the pga tour is back. Huh? Did I mention the golf cart races? [ he sips from his flask, spits, then gets serious ] Okay, look -- I want to thank our newest sponsors: the Erie, Pennsylvania Chamber of Commerce... the letter "Q"... and, uh -- and seltzer! If you're looking for bubbles, you're looking for seltzer! It's great to have you guys on board. All right? Hey. You know that saying -- that saying that "Any publicity is good publicity"? Who said that? Seriously! Who said that?! I want his name and his address! Because he's a LIAR!!
[ he hoists his flask to his mouth, then falls short and makes a raspberry ]
Tim Finchem: Hey, you know what? On the tour, we've got Steve Elkington... and we got a guy named Henrik Stenson... and there's a dude named Whitey Whiterson... and "Trust Fund" Jones III. You know -- just regular dudes dudes can relate to! [ he swallows, then breaks down ] Oh, we've literally got nobody, okay? We have NOBODY! [ he starts to weep ] Aw, just stop it! Just stop the commercial! [ he leans back and screams ] TIIIIGERRRR!!
[ return to PGA Tour logo ]
Announcer: This has been a message from the PGA Tour. P.S.: Yikes!
[ fade ]