Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 9












09i: Taylor Lautner / Bon Jovi

Twilight Debate

Mr. Armstrong.....Bill Hader
Ellie.....Jenny Slate
Mariana.....Taylor Lautner
Female Student.....Nasim Pedrad
Male Student #1......Andy Samberg
Male Student #2......Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior, high school, as the bell rings ]

[ dissolve to interior, science lab ]

Mr. Armstrong: All right, class. I need everyone to pair off in teams for their lab reports.

Ellie: [ wearing a "Team Jacob" t-shirt ] Mr. Armstrong, there's a problem. I don't have a lab partner.

Mr. Armstrong: That's impossible, Ellie. There's an even number of people in this class.

Ellie: That may very well be, but it should be obvious that I cannot work with Marianna.

Mr. Armstrong: Why not?

Ellie: You know why not.

[ reveal Marianna, wearing a Team Edward t-shirt ]

Mr. Armstrong: Ellie, don't be ridiculous. Go work with Marianna.

Mariana: Um -- I don't want to work with her either, Mr. Armstrong.

Mr. Armstrong: Why not?

Mariana: How can I ever trust her scientific conclusions if she prefers Jacob to Edward? Jacob smells. He smells like a wet dog.

Ellie: Maybe Jacob smells like a wet dog, but at least he's loyal and he wouldn't just leave you and break your heart.

Mariana: Uh, Edward left to protect Bella!

Ellie: Yeah, well, he should have said that instead of lying to her!

Mariana: It KILLED him to lie to her, but he had no choice!

Mr. Armstrong: Enough!! Will anyone switch partners with Marianna or Ellie?

Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Armstrong: Sorry, you'll have to work together.

Ellie: Well, If we're going to have to work together, then we're going to need a truce.

Mariana: Like the truce between the vampires and the werewolves?

Ellie: Oh, duh! What other truces are there?

Mariana: Fine. What's the truce?

Ellie: If you promise not to disparage my beautiful Jacob, I promise not to mention your moody, overjealous girlfriend.

Mariana: No! Edward is -- Edward is a BOY!!

Ellie: Then why does he sparkle like a princess' tiara?!

Mr. Armstrong: All right! That's enough! Is anyone willing to switch with Ellie or Marianna?

Entire Class: NOOOOO!!!!

Mr. Armstrong: Then I'm left with no choice. You both to come up to the front of the class... and debate Edward vs. Jacob once and for all.

[ Ellie and Marianna relunctantly step forward, as the rest of the class frowns ]

Female Student: Couldn't you just send them to the principal?

Male Student #1: Yeah. Why would you even want to hear them talk about this nonsense?

Mr. Armstrong: Because I'm a scientist. And, as a scientist, I look for answers. Marianna, you go first.

Mariana: Thank you, Mr. Armstrong. Love. What is it? Can it be planned? Or is it fated? I believe it is. In the moment I heard Edward say: [ he holds up Edward notebook in front of his face ] "i don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore," I knew we'd be together.

Male Student #2: [ shaking his head ] I'm sorry. Does she think she's going to end up with the fictional vampire from "Twilight"?

Mariana: Not think. Know! [ he leans down to kiss his notebook ]

[ at this point, Jenny Slate reads the wrong line off of the cue card ]

Ellie: Hey... what have I told you, Marianna..?

Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] What have I told you, Marianna? What are you doing?

Mariana: [ she stops ] I'm sorry. Notebooks are for notes, not for kissing.

Mr. Armstrong: That's right. Ellie?

Ellie: Thank you. There was a time in my life when I, too, loved Edward Cullen, when Jacob was nearly a blip on my radar screen. But then something changed. Maybe I changed. Maybe I learned the value of a guy who is also my friend. But, more likely, Jacob changed. And when he took off his shirt in "New Moon," I saw those changes, and I was like, "Yeah! I want bake cookies on your stomach."

Mariana: No. Those are fake abs!

Ellie: These are not fake abs.

Mariana: They are, too, fake! They're CGI, just like the wolf.

Ellie: These are real! These abs are real.

Mariana: If those abs are real, then the dude who played jacob deserves an Oscar.

Ellie: Yeah, he does deserve an Oscar! He does deserve an Oscar! He does!

Mr. Armstrong: [ jumping in ] Girls! Stop, stop! What happened to you? You used to be best friends, and then "Twilight" changed everything. I mean, can't you get past your differences?

Ellie: I wish we could, but I can't connect with a person who prefers ice cold vampire blood to the hot bodied torso of werewolf man.

Mariana: Yeah! And I can't deal with someone who doesn't see that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that doesn't deserve either one of them.

Ellie: But I do think that Bella is a whiney do-nothing that does not deserve either one of them.

Mariana: You do?

Ellie: Totally!

Mariana: Oh... my... goodness! Do you want to talk about this during recess?

Ellie: I want to talk about this for a thousand recesses.

Mariana: Whoo-ooh-ooh!

[ they return to their lab table ]

Mr. Armstrong: Alright. How about a round of applause for ellie and marianna?

[ no response ]

Mr. Armstrong: Would you think about it, at least? No? Okay. [ he turns to the blackboard ] So -- biology!

[ cut to exterior, high school ]

[ fade ]


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