Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 9

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Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
Mistress Number 15.....Nasim Pedrad
Billy Smith.....Fred Armisen

Announcer: "Weekend Update" with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: I'm Seth Meyers, and here are tonight's top stories.

Tiger Woods announced on his website yesterday that he is taking an indefinite break from professional golf. Though I'm pretty sure golf wasn't the problem.

As new reports of his alleged extramarital affairs continue to surface, Gatorade announced this week that it's dropping its Tiger Woods themed sports drink, while Birds Eye is going forward with its line of Tiger Woods side dishes.

Democrats in the Senate, on Wednesday, reached a tentative compromise on the Health Care bill that would pull out the public option in favor of a private insurance plan. They also pulled out federal funding for abortion coverage, then they pulled out the provision to import drugs from Canada, then they pulled -- oh no! Jenga! Health Care Reform Jenga!

Prostitutes in Copenhagen have reportedly offered free sex to delegates attending the UN Global Warming Summit. Though if you do sleep with a prostitute at the global warming summit, make sure to cap your emissions.

During the Kennedy Center Honors on Sunday, President Obama presented an award to Bruce Springsteen, saying, "I'm the President, but he's the Boss." At which point, Springsteen ordered our troops out of Afghanistan.

Seth Meyers: Earlier today, yet another woman came forward claiming to have had an affair with Tiger Woods, bringing the total number of alleged mistresses to 15. Here with her story, is Mistress Number 15.

Mistress Number 15: Hi, Seth! Hi!

Seth Meyers: Hi, there. So, start at the beginning: How did you get involved with the superstar athlete?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, first of all, Seth, I didn't even know he was an athlete -- I just knew he was super rich. And I didn't know he was married.

Seth Meyers: But, eventually, you found out he was married?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, sure, sure! But, by then, I also knew he was superfamous, soooo... what was I supposed to do?

Seth Meyers: Not have an affair with him?

Mistress Number 15: Yeahhhhhh, it's just really hard not to have an affair with someone you're having sex with. Does that make sense?

Seth Meyers: No... okay...

Mistress Number 15: But, Seth, you also have to understand that it was more than sex.

Seth Meyers: Oh, it was?

Mistress Number 15: Oh, sure, sure! I mean, he would do the most romantic things, Seth. Like, sometimes he would text me. [ she leaves it hanging ]

Seth Meyers: Oh. Is that it? Okay. So, uh, what was your reaction when all those other mistresses were revealed?

Mistress Number 15: Well, at first... I just thought they were me in different outfits and hair. But then I found out they were their own people.

Seth Meyers: Right. And how did you feel when you knew it wasn't just you?

Mistress Number 15: Uhhhhh, what's the word for, like, when you're mad?

Seth Meyers: Mad.

Mistress Number 15: Yeah, that's it! I was mad! I couldn't believe he would cheat on me!

Seth Meyers: [ perplexed ] But he was already cheating on his wife with you.

Mistress Number 15: Oh, for sure, sure! But I thought I was special.

Seth Meyers: Why?

Mistress Number 15: Because he was texting me, and -- I don't know -- I wear tank tops.

Seth Meyers: You sure do, but why the need to go public?

Mistress Number 15: Well, I just felt like if I waited, I would be known as Mistress 16, or 17 -- and, at that point, people would think I was a slut!

Seth Meyers: Mistress Number 15, everyone.

Mistress Number 15: Sure, sure! Sure!

This week, after a performance in England, Lady Gaga met with the Queen of England. "Well, this is weird," thought both of them.

It was rumored this week that disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is considering a run for state comptroller, though I'm not sure that's the right job for a guy who obviously can't "comptroll" himself.

Prosecutors in New York State are trying to block the release from a halfway house of a 100-year-old man who is the state's oldest registered sex offender. The man was originally sent to jail for molesting a 63-year-old boy.

General Mills announced plans to reduce the amount of sugar in Lucky Charms cereal. They made the decision after Lucky the Leprechaun lost his foot to diabetes.

A company is selling a new device called the Text Hook, which lets parents strap phones to the bars of their strollers so they can text and e-mail while walking their children -- into traffic.

Seth Meyers: On Tuesday, the federal government announced it will pay $3.4 billion to settle Indian trust funds back to 1887. Here now with a unique comic take on the agreement, is Native American comedian Billy Smith.

Billy Smith: Greetings. It is good to be in New York City, the land of square mountains.

Seth Meyers: So, Billy, how do you feel about the settlement?

Billy Smith: I am very happy about this $3.4 billion. Once it has been divided amongst the native american nations, we are all to get a check for $1,000. $1,000? These days, it is not even enough to by a kawahugajusi! [ light laughter ] Kawahugajusi is the yellow resin extracted from the great birch tree. Yellow resin... the great birch tree. It's gone up in price, is the joke there.

Seth Meyers: I see... I see. Very funny.

Billy Smith: So! Is anyone here married? yes, marriage is difficult. My wife, she said I need to lose weight. I say to her, "If you want me to lose my appetite, just keep preparing more of your watakiputihiti!"

Seth Meyers: [ confused ] What?

Billy Smith: Watakiputihiti -- it is a meal made with corn mash and rabbit lips. Corn mash and rabbit -- not very tasty. What else? Oh, yes! Money is very tight these days on the reservation. Instead of wearing hand-me-downs, my daughter has to wear handpackanayuta! [ he jumps in Seth's face ] Handpackanayuta -- those are snow shoes made from the quills of a porcupine. [ he laughs ] Not comfortable. Porcupine quills. They exist, by the way. By the way, these joke, they kill on the reservation!

Seth Meyers: I'm sure they do.

Billy Smith: They're on the floor. What else? What else? What else? Oh, yes. I see this new movie, "Avatar", is coming out. Did you see that, sir?

Seth Meyers: I did! I did do that!

Billy Smith: Is it me, or is the size of soft drinks becoming too large at the concession stand? I mean, what do I look like, a wahatayuiwaha? [ he holds an open-mouthed pose ] You don't know the reference, do you?

Seth Meyers: No...

Billy Smith: The swollen gullet of a skunk.

Seth Meyers: Ah!

Billy Smith: A play on words. Well, uh -- that's my time, I'm getting the flame.

Seth Meyers: You're getting the flame!

Billy Smith: On behalf of all my people, I say to you all: Wakatungamakatingagi!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that sounds beautiful. What does that mean?

Billy Smith: That means I will be performing at the Mohegan Sun, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday! Come on down!

Seth Meyers: Oh, that's good. Billy Smith, everybody!

An Amish man in Pennsylvania was arrested Friday for driving his buggy while drunk. Police decided to pull him over when they noticed he was weaving. [ image reveals Amish man with quilt ] He's literally weaving.

A man in Minnesota was arrested on Monday for trying to throw tomatoes at Sarah Palin during a book signing. Luckily, Palin was able to shoot them out of the air.

Researchers, using hidden cameras to study what cats do when they're home alone, say they spend 22% of their time looking out of windows and 6% sleeping. The rest of the time they're trying on your clothes and checking your e-mail.

A German man was arrested this week while trying to leave New Zealand with 23 geckos hidden in his underwear. Security guards became suspicious when the man's underwear told them that ten minutes could save them 10% or more on car insurance.

Gisele Bundchen, on Tuesday, gave birth to a son with husband Tom Brady. And, as always, Randy Moss was there to make the catch.

Seth Meyers: For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers. Good night!

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