Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:



January 9th, 2010

Charles Barkley

Alicia Keys

None

Lorne Michaels

Jessi Klein

John Lutz

Hannibal Buress

The Situation Room
Summary: Wolf Blitzer (Jason Sudeikis) calls attention to a disjointed United States-Yemen joint press conference between General David Petraeus (Will Forte) and Ali Abdullah Saleh (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, David Petraeus.


Montage


Charles Barkley's Monologue
Summary: Charles Barkley tears the audience apart while assuring them that he's a brutally honest guy who doesn't hold anything back.

Transcript


Thomas Peepers Insurance
Summary: Insurance representative (Bill Hader) will keep a watchful eye on your family, night and day.

Transcript


Reel Quotes
Summary: Game show contestants (Charles Barkley, Kristen Wiig) are unable to complete the world's most familiar and obvious movie quotes.

Transcript


MacGruber I
Summary: MacGruber's (Will Forte) racist jokes don't go over well with Darrell (Charles Barkley).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript


Sexy Shana
Summary: Shana (Kristen Wiig) at a ski lodge.

Recurring Characters: Shana.

Transcript


MacGruber II
Summary: After being forced to take racial sensitivity training, MacGruber (Will Forte) tries to avoid using the word "Black" -- in any context whatsoever -- around Darrell (Charles Barkley).

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript


Inside the NBA
Summary: Kevin Harlan (Jason Sudeikis) and Charles Barkley are joined in the booth by Danny Hoover (Andy Samberg), the Make-a-Wish recipient who suffers from OCD -- Overwhelming Corpse Disease.

Recurring Characters: Danny Hoover.


MacGruber III
Summary: After visiting Africa to get in touch with his inner Negro, MacGruber (Will Forte) smoothes things over with Darrell (Charles Barkley), but still manages to overreact.

Recurring Characters: MacGruber, Vicky.

Transcript


Alicia Keys performs "Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: James Carville (Bill Hader) rebuts the Republican response on the Christmas bombing attack. Nicholas Cage (Andy Samberg) rambles while discussing his newly-appointed duties as Goodwill Ambassador on Drugs & Crime. Gov. David Paterson (Fred Armisen) comments on his angry State on the State address and continues to make fun of New Jersey.

Recurring Characters: James Carville, Nicholas Cage, Gov. David Paterson.


The Haney Project
Summary: Hank Haney (Jason Sudeikis) tries to help Charles Barkley improve his golf swing by examining his humorous ineptitude while performing other normal tasks.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Alicia Keys makes a drunken "Booty Call" to Lionel (Andy Samberg).


Alicia Keys performs "Empire State of Mind"


Scared Straight
Summary: Hardcore inmate Lorenzo McIntosh (Kenan Thompson) and his father (Charles Barkley) try to scare another trio of young punks (Bobby Moynihan, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader) straight via obscure movie references.

Recurring Characters: Lorenzo McIntosh, Officer Sikorsky.


Barkley's Bank
Summary: Charles Barkley's investment plan is simple -- he'll apply it to his personal gambling habit to ensure that you'll either double yout money or lose it altogether.

Note: This sketch ran short on time during the live broadcast.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Devil or Angel
Summary: When a sports fan (Jason Sudeikis) bets on a ball game, an Angel (Kenan Thompson) and a Devil (Charles Barkley) appear on his shoulders to offer counsel.


Small Talk
Summary: Kristen Chenoweth (Nasim Pedrad) chats about her petite size on her new talk show.


Grief Counselor
Summary: Grief counselor (Charles Barkley) tries to cheer up an office staff.



SNL Transcripts


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