Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 11










09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys

MacGruber II

MacGruber.....Will Forte
Vicky.....Kristen Wiig
Darrell.....Charles Barkley

[FADE IN on the ends of two electric wires as a spark jumps between them. CUT among various shots of pontoon planes, hands tinkering with materials, and exploding buildings.]

Singers:
"MacGruber!
His haemless little joke really got him into trouble!
MacGruber!
He had to take some [bleep]ing class because of stupid corporate bull[bleep]!
MacGruber!
He makes his jokes in private now!"

[CUT to MacGruber telling a private joke to Vicky as Darrell walks up, against footage of flames.]

Singers: "MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!"

[CUT to insurgent cave system. SUPERIMPOSE caption, "Insurgent Cave System." CUT to a sign marked "Cave Control Room" as sirens wail.]

Darrell: [struggling with locked door] MacGruber! This door is welded shut!

Vicky: That's not all, MacGruber! By the looks of this chemical bomb, we've got exactly 20 seconds!

MacGruber: Okay, don't worry, gang! And, when I say "gang", I'm not insinuating that anyone here is a Crip or a Blood, or in any other Black gang. Or a White gang -- Whites could have gangs, too. Right, Dar-rell?

Darrell: IT'S DARRELL!!!

MacGruber: Sho 'nuff! But, look -- If there's one thing I've learned from the sensitivity training classes that I was forced to go to... it's that, regardless of the color of our skins, we can all... work... together!

Vicky: Ten seconds, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, uhh -- Vicky! Hand me that screw!

Vicky: You got it, MacGruber!

MacGruber: Okay, Dar-rell -- respectfully -- hand me that pen.

Darrell: [ looking down ] Which pen?

MacGruber: That one! Right there!

[ reveal three pens -- yellow, red, and black ]

Darrell: I can't tell which one you're pointing at! Be more specific!

MacGruber: That one! The -- uh -- uh -- African-American pen!

Darrell: What?!

MacGruber: I'm sorry! The -- uh -- Negro pen? [ Darrell frowns ] Uhhh -- Begro-American pen?

Darrell: Just call it a BLACK pen!

MacGruber: Oh! So now it's fly and rap to call it a Black pen? But, earlier, it was square?

Darrell: Here! Just take the pen! [ he forces the black pen over to MacGruber ]

MacGruber: [ panicking ] HE'S GOT A GUN!!!

[ MacGruber zaps Darrell with Mace ]

Vicky: MACGRUBER!!

MacGruber: What?! He -- he charged me! He's obviously on PCP! I mean, look at his eyes, they're all bloodshot!

Vicky: You MACED him!!

Darrell: You are SUCH a RACIST!!

MacGruber: I am NOT a racist!!

Vicky: Three seconds, MacGruber!!

MacGruber: Okay, okay! Vicky! Hand me that Chinese pen! Uh -- uh -- that Asian pen -- the yellow pen! [ he pauses ] I'm a racist...

[CUT to the cave exploding and spewing smoke everywhere.]

Singers: MACGRUBER-RRR!!!!!

[ fade ]


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