Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 11

09k: Charles Barkley / Alicia Keys


Shana....Kristen Wiig
Mr. Jergs....Charles Barkley
Gretchen....Jenny Slate
Kid 1....Kenan Thompson
Kid 2....Will Forte
Kid 3....Andy Samberg

[Opens with a top view of a ski lodge, snow all around. Cut to inside a cabin. Three guys sit and drink in a couch. Gretchen, the only girl in the room is there]

Kid 3: Man, this is the best retreat yet. I can't believe Mr. Jergs took us all skiing.

Kid 1: Yes. And to have this private party for us in the lodge? Man, he went all out.

Kid 2: Hey Gretchen. Where is that sassy girl Shana?

Gretchen: Ugh, is that all you guys ever talk about? Shana?

Kid 3: I saw her from behind on the bunny slopes today. I tell you, it was a sight to see.

Kid 1: I hope she's coming to this thing.

Kid 2: Me too. If you know what I mean.

Kid 1: I do know what you mean!

Kid 3: I know what you mean as well.

Gretchen:[fed up] God! She'll be here!

[Mr. Jergs enters the room]

Mr. Jergs: Hey guys. How is everybody doing?

Gretchen: Look Mr. Jergs. [a tray] I made your favorite. Chocolate covered strawberries from scratch.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, thanks. Where's Shana?

Gretchen: She's coming.

Mr. Jergs: Terrific. Wonderful.

[Sexy hard body Shana enters the room, the kids all get up]

Shana: [sexy voice] Hey, everyone. I'm sorry I'm late for this little get-together.

Mr. Jergs: Shana. I am so happy to see you.

Shana: By the way Mr. Jergs, that looks like a very cozy, cushy, mushy sweater.

Mr. Jergs: It is cozy. I mean, cushy, soft, whatever. Thick, you just got me all flustered.

[Gretchen has a sourpuss face]

Kid 1: That is one hot piece of fruit.

Kid 2: She is fantastic.

Kid 3: Damn right, double sexy y'all.

Shana: Is it warm in here? Or is it because I'm wearing a jacket inside?

Gretchen: It is because you're wearing a jacket inside.

Shana: Oh, then guess I better take it off. [pulls zipper down playfully and takes jacket off in a sexy manner] Ooooohhh.

Mr. Jergs: Hubba-hubba.

Kid 1: I want her to do that again.

Kid 2: I wish she had a second jacket under that jacket that she could take off for us.

Kid 3: Me too as well.

Gretchen: You know, why don't one of you go fix the fire? It looks like its about to go out.

Shana: Ooohh wee, I'm jealous. I want to do it. Its so funny how you don't want fire in your house but when its in your fireplace its ok.

[Gretchen hard looks, kids horny looks]

Mr. Jergs: That is true. Well, go fix it if you want to.

Shana: Can I? Oooohhh, ooohhh, ooohhh, ooohhh,. Sorry, guess I got a little excited there. Ok. Here I go.

Kid 1: Oh, this is gonna be good.

[Shana blows on the fire like a monkey, legs bending and grunts while she does it]

Kid 1: [turned off] Man, that was not what I thought it was gonna be.

Kid 2: No, it was not.

Kid 3: That was not sexy.

Mr. Jergs: You guys wouldn't know sexy if it sat on your face and say "where's my butt"?

Shana:[sexy voice] Oooohhh, hot chocolate. Well, there's too much whipped cream to take a sip.

Kid 1: [excited] Lick it off. You can just lick it off.

Kid 2: Lick it off.

Shana: I better suck a little off the top.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, that's it.

[Shana takes the hot chocolate and slurps disgustingly, gags, clears throat, sips loud, spits it back in the cup]

Shana: Oh, I did it.

Mr. Jergs: Yes, you did.

Kid 1: [disturbed] Did she now?

Gretchen: My strawberries are being passed around if anyone wants them. [Gretchen passes the tray of strawberries, the kids pay no attention to it] Would you like a strawberry Mr. Jergs?

Mr. Jergs: Yes I do. For Shana. [gives strawberry to Shana]

Shana: Oh, I can't. And I won't tell you why. But if I did, its a big fun happening story.

Mr. Jergs: Oh, we love happening stories.

Kid 1: We sure do.[Kids agree]

Shana:[sexier voice] Well listen to this. My doctor says I can't eat strawberries cause of all the little seeds. See, they get stuck in my intestine wall cause I got pockets in there. And then they fill up and form clumps that go rotten and get real hard and stinky.

[Kids got disgusted faces]

Kid 1: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Mr. Jergs: Hey man. She's a human being. I love her open sexiness.

Shana: Oh, look. A place to dance and a stereo. I think I'm gonna turn it on. Rock my body.

[Hot dance music plays]

Mr. Jergs: What a great... what a great idea. I love watching people solo-dance.

Kid 1: All right. Now, this is more like it.

Shana: Oh, I wish this pole wouldn't have a garland on it. I could show you what I learned in my skip and sweat pants.

Mr. Jergs: Let me help you with that. [Mr. Jergs takes off garland from pole]

[Shana dances like an ape. She grunts and rubs her butt on the pole like a chimp in heat. She grabs the pole and grunts intensely]

[Kids are extremely turned off]

Mr. Jergs: That was superior.

Kid 2: Ok. I'm gonna go sit outside in the snow.

Kid 1: I'm gonna go with you.

Kid 3: Me too as well. Thanks a lot, Gretchen.

[Kids leave, Gretchen follows, Mr. Jergs gives her that tray of strawberries]

Mr. Jergs: Hey, take this with you. Shana, I think I'm gonna rent a snowmobile. Would you like to travel around the lodge in circles with me?

Shana: Ooohh, I don't know what to say. And when I don't know what to say I giggle. [little giggle] Excuse me, its not my real laugh. [grotesque laugh] Argh, arrrgghh, arghhh, arrrghh!!!!

Mr. Jergs: You are a polished diamond.

Shana: So are you. Ooops, its funny. I just realized a bunch of tiny little turds squeezed out when I did that last dance. Oooh, I pooped my ski pants. I turded all inside my ski pants. [leaves]

Mr. Jergs: That is a woman that can hold my interest for a long time.

[Mr. Jergs follows Shana]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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