Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:



January 16th, 2010

Sigourney Weaver

The Ting Tings

None

Darrell Hammond

Lorne Michaels

James Cameron

None


Larry King Live
Summary: Larry King (Fred Armisen) moderates the late-night talk show war between Jay Leno (Darrell Hammond) and Conan O'Brien (Bill Hader).

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Carson Daly.

Transcript


Montage


Sigourney Weaver's Monologue
Summary: Sigourney Weaver reveals she's no fan of scary movies and is easily frightened, then she reads her father's original memo for "The Tonight Show".

Transcript


Grady Wilson's Fifty and Freaky
Summary: Grady Wilson (Kenan Thompson) demonstrates sex techniques for seniors with the aid of a Dutch (Sigourney Weaver).

Recurring Characters: Grady Wilson.


Summer's Eve Lady Stars of Darts Championship 1988
Summary: Commentators Pete Twinkle (Jason Sudeikis) and Greg Stink (Will Forte) keep the Summer's Eve douche sponsorship flowing in lieu of focusing on darts match between Darcy Vancouver (Kristen Wiig) and Olga "The Wolf Bear" Bogunskaya (Sigourney Weaver).

Recurring Characters: Pete Twinkle, Greg Stink.


An SNL Digital Short
Summary: Andy Samberg and Bill Hader bring James Cameron and Sigourney Weaver onboard for their pitch of "James Cameron's Laser Cats 5" to Lorne Michaels.

Transcript


Disco Booty Junction
Summary: After Amber and Cream (Sigourney Weaver, Kristen Wiig) perform their disco track, Jerry Field Dushay (Kenan Thompson) can't get a straight answer about who is who.


The Ting Tings perform "That's Not My Name"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Seth Meyers compare the late night wars to a husband trying to maintain a marriage with two attractive wives. One year later, Larry the Goose (Andy Samberg) reads the names of geese who died during Flight 1549's crash-landing. Meryl Streep (Abby Elliott) is extremely humble about being a great actress and a great guest.

Recurring Characters: Larry the Goose.


Avatar
Summary: Jake Sully (Bill Hader) has simulated avatar sex with Neytiri (Nasim Pedrad), but comes to regret it.


Riley
Summary: New kid, Riley (Fred Armisen), has dinner with the family of a friend (Andy Samberg) and calls everyone a bitch with an effeminate tone.

Transcript


Internet Buzz
Summary: Sigourney Weaver is distracted from the Golden Globes by her obsession with reading online praise and criticism from web surfers watching her movies.

Transcript


The Ting Tings perform "Shut Up and Let Me Go"


Fire and Rice
Summary: Lounge chanteuse Jessica Fire (Signourney Weaver) is fearful of falling off partner Dante Rice's (Bobby Moynihan) tall piano.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Wedding Toast Poetry
Summary: Two sisters (Abby Elliot, Jenny Slate) deliver an inappropriate champagne beat poem to their senator mother (Sigourney Weaver) and her new groom (Will Forte) at the reception.


Planet Earth
Summary: Sigourney Weaver is frustrated while narrating footage of animals having sex.


WSDW News
Summary: A Missouri news anchor (Will Forte) and his on-scene field reporter (Sigourney Weaver) gush over Mark McGwire (Jason Sudeikis) despite his obvious steroid use and presence of his drug dealer (Fred Armisen) selling to him on September 8th, 1998, the day he made baseball history.


Naked Justice
Summary: A landlord (Will Forte) misunderstands the title of the reality court show when he appears nude during the proceedings and shocks the judge (Sigourney Weaver), bailiff (Bill Hader), and the middle-aged plaintiff (Nasim Pedrad) suing him for improper sidewalk maintanence.



SNL Transcripts