Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 12










09l: Sigourney Weaver / The Ting Tings

Internet Buzz

Jim Simpson.....Jason Sudeikis
Dave.....Bill Hader
Steph.....Kristen Wiig
.....Sigourney Weaver

[ open on exterior, apartment building ]

[ SUPER: "Sigourney Weaver's Apartment - Sunday" ]

[ dissolve to interior, as her husband, Jim Simpson, pours a bottle of wine for their two guests ]

Jim Simpson: Thank you so much for bringing the Shiraz.

Dave: No problem. Let's hope it brings good luck for Sigourney tonight.

Jim Simpson: Mmm-hmm. From your mouth to God's ears! [ he chuckles lightly, then grabs the remote control ] Who's ready to watch the Golden Globes?

Dave: Absolutely!

Steph: This is so exciting! I hope "Avatar" wins EVERYTHING!

Jim Simpson: Mmm-hmm.

Steph: Where is she?

Jim Simpson: Uh, I think she's in the bedroom. Hey, Sigourney! Honey? Dave and Steph are here! Why don't you, uh -- what are you doing? Come on out!

[ Sigourney runs out, holding up her laptop ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, hey! Listen to this. I'm on the E! online message board, and Johnmonger26 says: "Just saw "AVatar", Sigourney Weaver is still hot, kiss my ass!" [ she giggles ] People are really talking about me on these Internet boards, isn't that crazy?

Jim Simpson: Well, that's great, honey. You want to come join us?

Sigourney Weaver: Okay. I'll be right there.

[ she turns and runs back into the bedroom ]

Steph: Wow. Is she -- is she Googling herself?

Jim Simpson: Uh -- yeah. Yeah, yeah. She's been doing it all week. She'll just be a second, she's very excited you guys are here.

Dave: Why isn't she at the Golden Globes?

Jim Simpson: Oh, uh -- well, she found out they didn't have Wi-Fi.

[ Sigourney returns with her laptop in hand ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, look at this! Guys, I'm on the Comments section on Imdb.com, and UltimateDuck28 says that "Avatar is the best movie of all time!" [ she turns her monitor ] He even wrote it in caps!

Jim Simpson: You know, I think that happens a lot, honey.

Sigourney Weaver: You know, he calls me an "Amazonian beauty." Look at me, I'm blushing! Should I respond to this? I should respond, right?

Jim Simpson: Uh -- no. No, Sweetie. I don't -- no. [ Sigourney exits back into the bedroom ] Alright. There she goes. [ he chuckles nervously ] I'm sorry about this. She just got a new laptop.

Steph: Oh... that's fine.

Jim Simpson: Hey, so tell me about the new house.

Dave: Great. We just put in a new kitchen, and it's --

[ Sigourney re-enters with her laptop, bursting into tears ]

Sigourney Weaver: OH!! Oh, my God!! Oh, my Go-o-o-od!

Jim Simpson: [ concerned ] Honey, honey? What is it?

Sigourney Weaver: It's just... RooserBooster71 said, "Avatar looks STUPID!" He says he's gonna see it on video! I just can't believe this!

Jim Simpson: Oh, no, no -- now, come on. You can't listen to RoosterBooster71 --

Sigourney Weaver: He says it's overhyped! He calls it "Dances With Smurfs"! He said it's too much like the movie "Fern Gully"!

Dave: Oh, don't worry about that...

Steph: Yeah. "Fern Gully" was good.

Sigourney Weaver: What am I gonna tell James Cameron?! I'm so upset about this! Do you think this is gonna hurt the movie?

Jim Simpson: [ running toward Sigourney ] No, no, no, no! Okay, honey, look, look, look -- why don't you put down the computer and have a glass of wine, okay?

Sigourney Weaver: Ugh!

[ she retreats back into the bedroom ]

Jim Simpson: [ he sighs ] Yeah. You know, it's been a tough couple of days.

Dave: What are you gonna do?

Jim Simpson: Uhhhh, I don't know. I don't know. Before you came, I-I-I hid the power cord, so, right now, I'm kind of waiting for the battery to die out.

[ Sigourney returns with her laptop ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, guys! Look at this! There's a video of me in my underwear from the first "Alien", and, in the Comments section, someone named Xylon57 just wrote: "Dat ass!" What does that mean?

Jim Simpson: I-I-I-I don't know what that means.

Sigourney Weaver: It's good, right? He also wrote something racist about Barack Obama -- but he likes me, right?

Jim Simpson: Yes! I'm sure he likes you, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Sigourney Weaver: [ relieved ] Okay... okay...

Steph: Sigourney, why don't you come sit down with us?

Sigourney Weaver: [ outraged ] WHAT?!! Look at this!! PinkstaGirl says, "Sigourney Weaver is an old horseface who be straight up nasty!"

Jim Simpson: No-o! Don't you -- you not be that! Nooooo!

Sigourney Weaver: That's a TERRIBLE thing to write, right?

Jim Simpson: Absolutety! Yes. Sigourney, you can't pay any attention to that.

Sigourney Weaver: I should SLAP her!

Jim Simpson: No!

Sigourney Weaver: I should SLAP her and her BITCH mouth!

Steph: Oh, no, no! Come on!

Sigourney Weaver: I'm taller than most women, I could really mess her up! I'm SIGOURNEY FREAKIN' WEAVER!!!

Jim Simpson: Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Okay, now why don't you come on down here and sit down -- sit down the computer, and -- [ Sigourney turns and exits ] HEY!! SIGOURNEY!! [ he sighs ]

Dave: Has she always been like this?

Jim Simpson: No. Oh, no, no, no, no. Not before the Internet. No. [ he sits ] She lived her life, you know... she was interested in other people, she was present.

Steph: Oh.

Jim Simpson: She wasn't this maddening, spiraling narcissist.

Steph: Come on, Jim.

Steph: Jim, are you okay?

Jim Simpson: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah. Oh, we'll get through this.

[ Sigourney returns with er laptop, now happy ]

Sigourney Weaver: Hey, guys! There's a great nip-slip of me on iSugar.biz -- you can TOTALLY see my nipple! [ she shows them ] Do you think men are gonna masturbate to this?

Jim Simpson: Oh, we're not gonna get through this!

Sigourney Weaver: Do you think women will?

Jim Simpson: Ohhhhh...

[ cut to exterior, apartment building ]

[ fade ]


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