Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 13








09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

Bar

Tarkey Fensington.....Will Forte
Bartender.....Bobby Moynihan
Resdin Bonure.....Jon Hamm

[ open on interior, bar ]

Tarkey Fensington: A gin and tonic, please.

Bartender: Gin and tonic, on the way.

Resdin Bonure: [ holding up his glass ] Gin and tonic. A hell of a drink.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I'm not gay.

Resdin Bonure: [ stunned ] I'm not either, bro.

Tarkey Fensington: Oh.

Resdin Bonure: Cheers.

Tarkey Fensington: Sorry.

[ they toast their glasses ]

Tarkey Fensington: It's been a long day.

Resdin Bonure: None taken.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. I, uh, I didn't say "No offense."

Resdin Bonure: [ nodding ] None taken.

[ they sip their drinks quietly ]

Resdin Bonure: You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

Tarkey Fensington: No. Probably not.

Resdin Bonure: Where did you go to high school?

Tarkey Fensington: Salt Lake City. Pleasant Valley Beavers?

Resdin Bonure: No. I'm from Israel. Jerusalem Tigers.

Tarkey Fensington: I guess not, then.

Resdin Bonure: No, I-I-I know you from somewhere! Are you on TV?

Tarkey Fensington: No, I'm on a bar stool.

Resdin Bonure: That's a really good joke! [ laughing ] So, seriously -- how do I know you? [ it suddenly hits him ] Wait a second... You're the freakin' CLOSET ORGANIZER guy, aren't you? Oh, my God! That's you, right! From the commercial! The blue suit!

Tarkey Fensington: [ somewhat ashamed ] That's me...

Resdin Bonure: [ impressed ] Your hair kind of threw me!

Tarkey Fensington: I'm not wearing the hat...

Resdin Bonure: I can't believe I'm talking to the Closet Organizer guy!

Tarkey Fensington: I -- I have a name.

Resdin Bonure: Oh! I'm sorry. Uh --

Tarkey Fensington: Tarkey. Tarket Fensington.

[ they shake hands ]

Resdin Bonure: Tarkey. I'm... Resdin Bonure. It's a real honor. A real honor. I know you probably get this all the time, but, uh -- [ he motions his hands, afraid to ask ] Could you do a little of it for me?

Tarkey Fensington: I don't know, I --

Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on. Please?

Tarkey Fensington: Fine.

[ he mimes catching stray objects and tossing then further into the closet ]

Resdin Bonure: [ laughing ] Socks! Marbles! Pies, pies, pies!! That's so awesome! How about that? Thank you! Oh, man... Hey! You wanna head over to my place, maybe we can watch "The Office" or something?

Tarkey Fensington: I don't know...

Resdin Bonure: Oh, come on! It'll be fun. We can order a pizza, drink some beer -- it'll be fun.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah, okay... maybe.

Resdin Bonure: You know -- we could play some video games, you know -- maybe after, we could, uh.. [ quietly ] organize my closet.

Tarkey Fensington: [ fuming ] There it is! Thanks, Resdin.

Resdin Bonure: What?

Tarkey Fensington: I'm not gonna help you organize your closet! Okay?

Resdin Bonure: Hey -- whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm just joking.

Tarkey Fensington: Well, it wasn't funny!

Resdin Bonure: I'm sorry.

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah! You are sorry! You don't know what it's like to be ME, okay?! Every time somebody tries to buy you a drink, or wants to be your friend, or wants to make love to you... you have to ask yourself, "Are they doing this because you're Tarkey Fensington?" Or because you're... [ miming his commercial ] "Pies! Socks! Marbles!"

Resdin Bonure: [ embarrassed ] I-I-I-I had no idea...

Tarkey Fensington: Yeah. No, you didn't. [ he leaves his tip on the bar ] Goodbye Resdin. I hope you die tonight

[ he exits the bar ]

Bartender: Heyyyy! Was that the Closet Organizer guy?

Resdin Bonure: No, that was Tark -- [ can't remember his exact name ] Yeah, that was the Closet Organizer.

Bartender: Yeah. Nice.

[ the Bartender continues to wipe the counter ]

[ fade ]


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