Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 13

09m: Jon Hamm / Michael Buble

American Enterprise

William Barnes.....Jon Hamm
G. Clifford Noble.....Bill Hader

Male Announcer: You're watching CNBC. The "C" stands for the "C" word. Up next: it's "American Enterprise, chronicling the history of great American businesses.

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

Female Announcer: This week, we look at the success story of American entrepreneurs Barnes & Noble. This great American company was founded in New York City by William Barnes and G. Clifford Noble, two men with a simple dream.

[ dissolve to William Barnes reading in a leather chair, as G. Clifford Noble steps forward ]

G. Clifford Noble: Hello, Barnes.

William Barnes: [ stands to shake Noble's hand ] Hello, my dear Noble!

[ SUPER: "Historical Reenactment, New York City, 1917" ]

G. Clifford Noble: Barnes... I've been thinking that this city is lacking... something.

William Barnes: I've been thinking the same thing.

G. Clifford Noble: There are places where you can buy grain...

William Barnes: And places where you can buy grog...

G. Clifford Noble: But we need a place that serves a community!

William Barnes: And enriches the soul!

G. Clifford Noble: Yes! My dear Barnes, we need to build a place... where homeless people can go to the bathroom!

William Barnes: That's exactly what I was thinking!

G. Clifford Noble: A huge building with an unlocked bathroom, where homeless people can drop their pants and just GO TO TOWN!

William Barnes: Where they won't have to ask or buy anything -- they can just GO!

G. Clifford Noble: Yes. And regular people can go to the bathroom there, too.

William Barnes: Yes, yes -- if they're desperate! If they've been walking around all day drinking coffee and they aggressively have to go to the bathroom!

G. Clifford Noble: Indeed. Noble, my friend, this is a capitol idea!

[ they shake on it ]

[ dissolve to sketches of the first Barnes & Noble Homeless Bathroom building ]

Female Announcer: And, so, the first Barnes & Noble opened in 1917. It was a rousing success. In order to pay for the massive daily clean-up, however, Barnes & Noble needed to sell a product -- [ quickly ] and they chose books!

[ dissolve to show graphics ]

Female Announcer: Thank you for joining us on this episode of "American Enterprise". For CNBC, this whole time, I've been Madonna. Good night.

[ fade ]

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