Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:



February 6th, 2010

Ashton Kutcher

Them Crooked Vultures

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On the Record with Greta Susteren
Summary: Greta Van Susteren (Kristen Wiig) discusses the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy with Karl Rove (Bobby Moynihan), Oliver North (Will Forte), Robert Gibbs (Bill Hader) and an Attractive Blonde Lady (Abby Elliott).

Recurring Characters: Greta Van Susteren, Karl Rove, Glenn Beck.


Montage


Ashton Kutcher's Monologue
Summary: Ashton Kutcher tries to demonstrate his newfound maturity, but can't resist the random awesomeness of a dog on a surfboard, dancing old ladies (Abby Elliott, Nasim Pedrad, Jenny Slate) and other temptations.


Gertrude's Will
Summary: Angel the pool boy (Ashton Kutcher) expects a big payoff after 110-year old Gertrude's death, but only ends up with pool privileges and chlamydia.

Transcript


The View
Summary: Barbara Walters (Nasim Pedrad) and her subservient co-hosts discuss the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, then rush through an interview with Mel Gibson (Ashton Kutcher).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Elizabeth Hasselback, Mel Gibson.


Cialis for Threeways
Summary: The male enhancement aid with room for one more.

Transcript


Slave Boy
Summary: Roman king (Will Forte) enjoys having grapes fed to him by his slave boy (Ashton Kutcher).


Them Crooked Vultures perform "Mind Eraser, No Chaser"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Liam, the teenager who just woke up (Andy Samberg), is insufficiently refreshed to perform a political commentary about the federal budget. Eliot Spitzer (Bill Hader) reads Valentine's Day cards. Jean K. Jean (Kenan Thompson) jokes about the European financial crisis. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) are insufficiently prepared to perform Valentine's Day songs.

Recurring Characters: Eliot Spitzer, Jean K. Jean, Garth, Kat.


What is Burn Notice?
Summary: The game show's lone question yields confusing results from its contestants who have never seen the show.

Transcript


Access Hollywood
Summary: Billy Bush (Ashton Kutcher) and Anne Hathaway (Abby Elliott) enjoy the endless spiel of Oscar nominations for Best Picture.

Recurring Characters: Billy Bush.


An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel
Summary: Rahm Emanuel (Andy Samberg) spews expletives in response to Sarah Palin's response to his use of the word "retarded".

Recurring Characters: Rahm Emanuel.

Transcript


Them Crooked Vultures perform "New Fang"


Crisis of Conformity
Summary: Former punk rock bandmates (Fred Armisen, Ashton Kutcher, Dave Grohl, Bill Hader) reunite at the wedding of one of their daughters.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Tooter
Summary: Ashton Kutcher promotes the electronic device that allows all his devoted though misguided fans to follow his every fart.

Transcript



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