Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

An Even-Tempered Apology From White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel

Announcer.....Don Pardo
Rahm Emanuel.....Andy Samberg

[Open on title card]

Announcer: And now, an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.

[Dissolve to interior of Rahm Emanuelís office, where Emanuel is sitting on his desk, addressing the camera]

Rahm Emanuel
[turns to camera two]

As for the progressive Democrats whom I used the term in reference to, I should never have called you that. What I should have called you are f**king BABIES! Stupid f**king babies who canít keep their mouths shut! You went to The Wall Street Journal with this, you f**king turncoats?! The Wall Street Journal?! Iím trying to get s**t done here, and I know weíre not moving as fast as you want on health care, but maybe you noticed the Republicans are trying to paint us as Soviet crack dealers! Iíve already got them crawling up my ass, and now you want in too? Iíve got so many legislators in my colon, I need 60 votes just to take a s**t, so f**k you!

[turns back to camera one, now calmer than before]

Iíd also like to personally apologize to Sarah Palin, who went on Facebook to criticize my comments and ask for my resignation. While my resignation will not be forthcoming, I hope the former governor can accept my humblest apologizes for my poor choice of words.

[Turns back to camera two]

So, now Iím waiting for your apology, you f**kiní harpy! Or do you forget saying my brother, Zeke, supports death panels, and his philosophy was ďdownright evilĒ? Well, heís a f**kiní doctor whose dedicated his life to helping people, not a quitter who couldnít finish dinner! So why donít you stick to collecting checks for your stupid Tea Party speeches, you half-a-f**iní politician? Also, you come after me on Facebook?! What are you, 14? Hereís a status update: GROW THE F**K UP! Poke me again, and I will write s**t on your wall so obscene, your computer will cry! Go back to the tundra, you f**kiní gimmick!

[turns to a third camera, pointing to the camera]

Iím sorry, did you f**kiní say something?

[The camera shakes no]

Are you sure?

[The camera nods yes]

[threatening]: You better be sure.

[Turns back to camera one, calmer]

In conclusion: Boo-f**kiní-hoo. Get over it.

[Dissolve to title card amid audience cheering and applauding]

Announcer: This has been an even-tempered apology from White House Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel.

[Cut back to Emanuelís office]

Rahm Emanuel: And also, Mel Gibson: Shut the f**k up!


Submitted by: Candy

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