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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14




09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Tooter

.....Ashton Kutcher
.....?uestlove
.....Dave Grohl
.....Josh Homme
.....John Paul Jones
Gary Pundle.....Fred Armisen
Stefan Horkings.....Andy Samberg
Tooter Subscriber.....Jenny Slate
Office Worker.....Bobby Moynihan

FADE IN:

[ SUPER: The following is a paid advertisement from Ashton Kutcher ]

[ A montage of QUICK SHOTS shows Ashton Kutcher posing. ]

[ SUPER: ENTREPREUNER. ACTOR. VISIONARY. ]

[ Ashton is seated. ]

[ SUPER: ASHTON KUTCHER, TWITTER ENTHUSIAST ]

Ashton Kutcher: Over the past year, I’ve been given a lot of attention because of my involvement with Twitter. But recently, I started to feel like Twitter wasn’t enough…

[ QUICK CUTS OF Ashton saying “wasn’t enough”. ]

Ashton Kutcher: I wanted to give my followers total access.

[ SUPER: TOTAL ACCESS ]

Ashton Kutcher: They knew what was coming out of my mind, not what was coming out of my body. And that’s why I developed the first flatulence networking system.

[ SUPER: FLATULENCE NETWORKING SYSTEM ]

[ Ashton faces the camera. ]

Ashton Kutcher: Tooter.

[ GRAPHIC: TOOTER ]

[ A well suited, British computer guru, GARY PUNDLE, is seated. ]

[ SUPER: GARY PUNDLE, TOOTER BRAND MANAGER ]

Gary: It’s really ingenious. Every time Ashton has a gastronomic emission, or a “gission”, it’s broadcast to millions of his followers from around the world. And they’re alerted with a distinctive ringtone.

[ INT. OFFICE – DAY ]

[ A rotund OFFICE WORKER types at his desk when his passing gas ringtone alerts him. He picks up the phone and views the screen. It displays ASHTON KUTCHER TOOTED! ]

[ COMPUTER ANIMATION shows a male body being outfitted on his backside. ]

Ashton Kutcher (V/O): The process is simple -- I attach a receiving pad to the flesh side of my under bones, then I run a non-toxic wire up my seam, then plug it into my mobile device.

[ BACK to ASHTON ]

Ashton Kutcher: Then I pretty much kick back and bust some ass.

[ Lead singer of The Roots and bandleader of “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon” ?UESTLOVE is seated. ]

[ SUPER: ?UESTLOVE, MUSICIAN & TWITTER USER ]

?uestlove: At first, when Ashton told me about this idea, I was against it. But now? I’m still against it.

Ashton Kutcher: It was a good system, but it still wasn’t capturing the essence of Ashton and a big part of that is smell.

[ QUICK CUTS of Ashton saying “smell” three times. ]

[ A young inventor in white lab coat, STEFAN HORKINGS, is seated. ]

[ SUPER: STEFAN HORKINGS, DIGITAL ODOR INVENTOR ]

Stefan: Adding the smell at first was a challenge, but Ashton insisted…

[ The rotund office worker from earlier gets a smell ringtone from his phone. His puff of air blows his hair and he’s aghast. ]

Stefan: The testing phase just sucked!

Gary: Tooter uses Micro Crystal Technology to translate the entire gamut of flatulent subtlety. Whether it’s…

Gary (V/O): [SCROLL] SDB’S, CHURCHHOUSE CREEPERS, CRUNCH FROGS, DRIFTERS, JIMMY BUFFET’S CROOKED CAULIFLOWER COCKTAILS, LOW FLYING JETS, CRACK RATTLERS, SIMPLE PUTT-PUTTS, THE BOSSANOVA, PUMPERNICKEL SLAMMIES, ADVANCED PUTT-PUTTS, THUNDER DUMPLINGS, OR RIP TORNS.

Gary: We wanted everyone to experience Ashton’s “gissions” in all their glorious shame.

[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER PLAZA – DAY ]

[ A TOOTER SUBSCRIBER, young women in her 30’s, stands alone. ]

[ SUPER: TOOTER SUBSCRIBER ]

Tooter Subscriber: I didn’t realize what I was signing up for and I’ve actually tried to unsubscribe a few times but I haven’t been able to. I like “That 70’s Show” okay, but this, just seems invasive.

[ ?uestlove listens to his Tooter ringtone and grimaces. ]

?uestlove: Ashton’s been eating beans again.

[ Ashton stares off and passes gas. ]

[ INT. DRESSING ROOM – DAY ]

[ SUPER: THEM CROOKED VULTURES, “SNL” MUSICAL GUESTS ]

[ THEM CROOKED VULTURES are relaxing on a couch. Josh Homme hears Dave Grohl’s ringtone go off. ]

Josh Homme: Dude, what is that smell?

Dave Grohl: Ashton Kutcher just farted again.

Josh Homme: Very cool.

[ John Paul Jones stares sadly at the camera. ]

John Paul Jones: I was in Led Zeppelin.

[ BACK TO TESTIMONALS ]

[ Stefan’s phone rings. ]

Stefan: I’m sorry, I’m going to take this.

[ Stefan answers his phone. ]

Stefan: Hello?

[ The sound of passing gas. ]

Stefan: It’s a Kutcher Toot! Oh God!! I’m gagging at the mouth!

Ashton Kutcher: So subscribe today. Tooter -- Because I’m that important.

[ SUPER: BECAUSE I’M THAT IMPORTANT ]

[ EXT. ROCKEFELLER CENTER – DAY ]

[ The Tooter subscriber’s hair blows from the Toot she just received on her cell phone. ]

Tooter Subscriber: Ashton’s at McDonald's.

END


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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