Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Crisis of Conformity

Fred.....Fred Armisen
Madeline.....Abby Elliott
Groom.....Will Forte
Lyle.....Dave Grohl
Steve.....Ashton Kutcher
Greg.....Bill Hader
Waiters.....Kenan Thompson, Bobby Moynihan
In-laws.....Nasim Pedrad, Jason Sudeikis

[ open on sign: "Cadena-Norton Wedding" ]

[ dissolve to reception area ]

Fred: Thank you, everybody. [ faces his daughter ] Honey, uh, I know it's your worst nightmare, and -- I'm up here, your dad -- and I just want to get the old band together, if that's okay with you. Do you mind, sweetie?

Madeline: No.

Fred: Alright, honey -- don't be embarrassed. Can I get the rest of the guys up here? Uh, Greg, Steve, Lyle -- come on.

[ they run up ]

Lyle: Hey, go easy on us, guys -- this is our first gig since, like, 1983.

Steve: Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, I'd like to say something.

Fred: Hey, who's this old guy?

Steve: [ laughing ] You know, I can't believe we're up here after 25 years. We were very different guys back then.

Greg: You can say that again. But this feels right, sharing our music with this wonderful young couple.

[ minor applause ]

Steve: Yes, yes, yes. I guess when you get right down to it... rock n' roll always endures.

Lyle: Unlike my prostate!

[ they laugh ]

Steve: I hear that. I got issues, too.

Fred: [ laughing ] Alright.

Greg: [ lifting his guitar ] Did this thing get heavier? [ he laughs ]

Fred: Alright, let's do this. Madeline -- my little maddy -- I'm so proud of you. And I hope Daddy doesn't make too much of a fool of himself up here. Alright, this is with all my love. [ to the guys ] You guys ready? Here we go.

Lyle: One, two, three, four.

Fred: Yeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[ Steve kicks drinks off of a table ]

Fred: [ singing ]
"When Ronald Reagan comes around He brings the fascists to your town You think it's cool to be a jock But we all get beat up by cops

[ Fred pushes a table over ]

It's a Fist fight fist fight Fist fight in the parking lot Fist fight fist fight Fist fight in the parking lot

[ Greg kicks a tray of glasses out of a waiter's hand ]

Fred: [ speaking ] "I guess my mind's all messed up But isn't that a result of going to your schools being a part of your system following your orders?"

[ Steve kicks the other waiter's tray from his hands ]

Steve: I guess you want me to put on my suit and my tie and eat my happy meal

[ Grohl's microphone doesn't come on at first, so Kutcher hands him his ]

Lyle: [ screaming ] "I guess you want me to have 2.5 children and a white picket fence? I have a better idea! How about I kick your windows in with my boots?!"

[ Fred smashes a bottle over his head ]

Fred: [ screaming ] "You hear that, Alexander Haig? You getting all that, Ed Meese?

There's gonna be a --

1, 2, 3, 4!

[ Fred jumps into the wedding cake ]

Fist fight fist fight Fist fight in the parking lot Fist fight fist fight Fist fight in the parking lot

[ Fred fully trashes the rest of the room ]

Fred: We're crisis of conformity, thank you.

[ he throws the microphone to the floor ]

In-Law: Yeah, you are! Hell, yeah!!

Fred: Well, uh --

[ dissolve to end bumper ]

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