Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 14

09n: Ashton Kutcher / Them Crooked Vultures

Gertrude's Will

Attorney.....Bill Hader
Son.....Bobby Moynihan
Granddaughter.....Jennny Slate
Grandson.....Jason Sudeikis
Angel.....Ashton Kutcher

[ open on interior, attorney's office ]

Attorney: Thank you all for coming. I'm the attorney to the estate of Mrs. Gertrude Hayes Wentworth. It is my duty to present the last will and testimony. I'm happy that all interested parties could be here: the son... the beloved grandchildren... and her pool boy, Angel, who became a constant companion and lover for the past ten years of her life.

[ Kutcher licks his lips a few times, as though about to say something, but apparently misses his cue ]

Attorney: [ finally ] Alright, let's start. [ reading ] "To my wonderful family, I leave $200 million. And to the Metropolitan Museum, whose hallways I once spent an enjoyable afternoon, I leave $600 million."

Angel: [ excited ] Alright, next! Come on, let's get to it, dawg!

Attorney: "And to my stallion, Angel, who kept me in a state of constant physical bliss and arousal for over a decade, from the ages of 100 to 110, when I was at my oldest, I grant full pool privileges, except during the summer and on weekends." The end.

Angel: [ in a mild state of shock ] Oh... oh... oh, my God. Th-that's it?

Grandson: Angel, we owe you an apology. Uh, the whole time -- this whole time, we thought you were only sleeping with our elderly grandmother... well, for her money.

Angel: Oh, my God!

Grandson: But now we realize that you had no financial arrangement worked out at all.

Angel: Oh, my God! Ten years?! Ten years of my life?!!

Granddaughter: You really did love her and her mushy... crooked body.

Angel: Oh, my God... her body! I had sex with that body for ten years! I don't -- How can this be happening?!

Grandson: Angel, we're -- we're all shocked by the death of this 110-year old woman. But you can console yourself knowing that she died doing what she loved best: receiving oral sex from you.

Angel: This is a nightmare!!

Attorney: No, it's very sad. The world has lost a really great woman to chlamydia. But we must keep her in our hearts.

Angel: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait, wait, wait! Go back! Wh-what did you say?

Attorney: We must keep her in our hearts --

Angel: No, no, no, no! The other thing!

Attorney: Oh, you mean that she had Stage 5 Chlamydia? Highest of the chlamydias. Don't worry, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. You MUST have used protection?

Angel: NOOOO, we didn't use protection!! She was 110!! What was she gonna do, give birth to a GHOST?!! Aw, no, no, no, no, no!! I let that goblin have her way with me for ten years!! And all I get to do is swim in her pool with chlamydia?!

Attorney: No, no, Angel. First off, you can't swim in the pool -- it's Saturday. And, second of all, she gave you much more than chlamydia.

Angel: [ bitter ] What, what, what -- she gave me love and companionship?!

Attorney: No, she gave you lots of other STDs. Including ones that are so old, they have racist names. Like Oriental Fever... and another one I don't want to say because it has the N-word.

Angel: [ desperately ] What?!

Attorney: I just don't feel comfortable saying that name out loud. I mean, you saw what happened to Michael Richards?

Son: Angel, my boy, I know that you're upset that she's gone... but you should take solace in the fact that you made an old, lonely woman very happy.

Angel: Look... you know... maybe you're right. You know, maybe this wasn't the life that I envisioned for myself, but if... if I've improved a woman's golden years, I guess I'm as rich as anyone, right?

Attorney: Wait a minute. There's another page to her will.

Angel: [ hopeful ] What does it say? What does it say?

Attorney: It takes away your pool privileges. Then, on the back, there's more STDs she gad. Let's see: Soviet hives.... crabs rangoon... something called Jazz Flu.

Angel: Oh, man... that one sounds bad...

Attorney: It is. Also: Foreignor's Cough...

[ fade ]

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