Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 35: Episode 15

09o: Jennifer Lopez

Undercover Celebrity Boss

Steve Jobs.....Fred Armisen
Female Office Worker.....Abby Elliott
Richard Branson.....Bill Hader
Male Office Worker.....Bobby Moynihan
Warehouse Manager.....Kenan Thompson
Mary-Kate Olson.....Nasim Pedrad
Ashley Olson.....Jenny Slate
Director.....Jason Sudeikis
Martha Stewart.....Kristen Wiig

[ open on montage footage of "Undercover Boss" ]

Announcer: It's official. America loves "Undercover Boss," the hit new show where top executives go undercover as entry-level workers in their own company. But what happens when the C.E.O. is a C.E.L.E.B.? It's "Undercover Celebrity Boss." Watch Steve Jobs empty a trash can.

[ cut to Steve Jobs as janitor talking to an office worker ]

Steve Jobs: This trash can... holds over 35 gallons... of trash. It plays music.

Female Office Worker: No, it doesn't.

Steve Jobs: You can watch movies inside it.

Female Office Worker: Inside a trash can? [ she is unimpressed ]

Steve Jobs: The iTrash. [ he picks up a smaller can ] And now, the trash shuffle. Thank you! Thanks!

[ cut to next blurb ]

Announcer: And what happens when Virgin CEO Richard Branson loses his secretarial virginity?

[ cut to Richard Branson as secretary approaching an office worker ]

Richard Branson: [ laughing ] Here are those files you requested, Boss!

Male Office Worker: Oh, okay. So, you're Richard Branson.

Richard Branson: [ guffawing ] Who? What? What gave me away?

Male Office Worker: Well, you showed up for work in a space shuttle... and you parachuted into a meeting... and then you screamed: "I am Sir Richard Branson!"

Richard Branson: I did! I own all this!

[ cut to warehouse exterior ]

Announcer: Then visit the warehouse, with mini-moguls Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Warehouse Manager: I don't think you guys should be loading heavy boxes.

Mary-Kate Olsen: Why not? It's not like we're the Olsen Twins.

Ashley Olsen: Yeah, we're just a couple of normal-sized warehouse workers.

Warehouse Manager: All right.

[ he lifts a box and places it in the hands of the Olson Twins, who collapse under the weight ]

[ cut to the next blurb ]

Announcer: Plus, there's Martha Stewart!

[ cut to Martha Stewart standing in a kitchen with her arms folded, as a director leans forward ]

Director: Excuse me, why aren't you doing the dishes?

Martha Stewart: Because I'm Martha f--kin' Stewart!

Announcer: "Undercover Celebrity Boss". On the Celebrity Boss Station: CBS.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts