Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14












09o: Jennifer Lopez

Hollywood Dish

.....Jennifer Lopez
Bill Hader.....Brady Trunk
Kristen Wiig.....Anastasia Sticks

FADE IN:

[ EXT. SUNSET GOWER STUDIOS - DAY ]

[ INT. SOUNDSTAGE - DAY ]

[ JENNIFER LOPEZ is seated on a stool. Enter BRADY & ANASTASIA. ]

Anastasia Sticks: Jennifer Lopez! Hi!!

Brady Trunk: Hi!

Anastasia Sticks: Look at your dress!

Brady Trunk: You look fantastic!

[ Both take their seats across from Jennifer. ]

Anastasia Sticks: Just a gorgeous lady!

Brady Trunk: We are so excited that you made time to do this interview!

Anastasia Sticks: Everyone here at "Hollywood Dish" just loves you!

Brady Trunk: Me, especially!!

Anastasia Sticks: Okay - - stop drooling or this whole place is gonna flood!

[ Both giggle. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, that's okay.

[ Everybody smiles. ]

Brady Trunk: I'm Brady Trunk...

Anastasia Sticks: ...and I'm Anastasia Sticks.

Jennifer Lopez: I know who you are. I used to watch "Hollywood Dish" when I was nursing my kids.

Brady Trunk: Ewww!!! Gross!

[ Anastasia covers her ears, makes tongue sounds and shakes her head. ]

Brady Trunk: Too much info! Alright, let's get started. Are we ready?

Anastasia Sticks: Good to go?

[ Both face off-camera briefly. ]

Brady Trunk: Good to go?

Anastasia Sticks: Am I shiny!? Is my hair parted!?

Brady Trunk: Okay! A 2 & 3 - Jennifer Lopez! You just released a single and you've got a movie coming out in April!

Anastasia Sticks: Not bad!

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you, thank you! Yeah, I've been pretty busy.

[ Brady & Anastasia give insincere smiles. ]

Jennifer Lopez: You know, I took a couple of years off.

[ Brady & Anastasia stare without emotion. ]

Jennifer Lopez: But it's great to be back, because, you know, I miss performing so much.

[ Brady & Anastasia pantomime praise and cheers. ]

Jennifer Lopez: And, um... I'm sorry, is something wrong?

Anastasia Sticks: No, no, no, no! You're doing fine!

Brady Trunk: We just can't talk over you. It'll ruin the sound.

Anastasia Sticks: Yes, no sonida! Overlappa!

Jennifer Lopez: Uh... I speak English.

Anastasia Sticks: I speak Spanish!

Brady Trunk: Touché!

Anastasia Sticks: He speaks French!

Brady Trunk: Oui!

[ Both laugh while Jennifer flashes a slight smile. ]

Brady Trunk: J-Lo - your movie is called "The Back-Up Plan" and I think a lot of people will "plan" to "go back" again... and again... and again!

Jennifer Lopez: Well, I hope they do!

[ Brady & Anastasia display uncertainty in body language. ]

Jennifer Lopez: The best part is we shot the movie in New York.

[ Brady & Anastasia are half-asleep. ]

Jennifer Lopez: And, um... you know, I'm a New York girl - from the Bronx.

[ Brady & Anastasia pantomime an urban mugging. ]

Jennifer Lopez: So... it was a great experience to be back in my hometown.

[ Brady & Anastasia grimace and shake their heads. ]

Jennifer Lopez: But I hope it's, uh, a big hit. As my mom used to say, "La paciencia y la fe."

Brady Trunk: Spanish!

Anastasia Sticks: Do more Spanish! Do more Spanish! Yeah!

Jennifer Lopez: La paciencia y la fe? It just means "patience and faith."

Anastasia Sticks: More! More!

Brady Trunk: Do some more! Do some more!

Jennifer Lopez: Like, "La paciencia y la fe!" Or, "La paciencia y la fe!!"

Anastasia Sticks: Sexy! Sexy!

Brady Trunk: Make it hot!

Anastasia Sticks: Spicy! Spicy!

[ Jennifer spouts numerous Spanish phrases and screams the final one. Brady & Anastasia sit aghast. ]

Brady Trunk: Yikes!

Anastasia Sticks: We're right here!

[ Jennifer rolls her eyes. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Anyway, I'm really proud of the movie. It's great! It's about a woman -

[ Anastasia giggles hysterically. ]

Anastasia Sticks: Terrific! So Jennifer, let's get to the meat of the bones - - what's Marc Anthony like in bed?

Jennifer Lopez: That's a little personal...

Brady Trunk: Can't you give us any details?

Jennifer Lopez: Ummm...

Brady & Anastasia: Ummm...

Jennifer Lopez: Ehhh...

Brady & Anastasia: Ehhh...

Jennifer Lopez: Uh, I -

[ Brady & Anastasia scream to the top of their lungs. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Um... okay! Are we almost done here? Because...

Brady Trunk: Just one last question -- what did you think of the last episode of "The Bachelor"?

[ Brady & Anastasia start straw-sipping on milkshakes in vintage glasses. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Uh, you know... I don't think I even saw that.

[ Brady spits his mouthful of milkshake on Anastasia. Jennifer cringes.]

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah... I've been so busy, I don't have time to watch TV.

[ Brady almost takes a mouth sip but throws the rest of his shake on Anastasia, mouth wide open. Anastasia frowns and starts readjusting her lavalier. ]

Anastasia Sticks: So, how do you keep so fit?

Jennifer Lopez: Well, I... I... dance a lot. And with two kids, I'm always running around. Uh... I have a trainer and a nutritionist, which makes it a whole lot easier. Wait, is he asleep?

[ Brady's wearing a paper cut-out mask of himself while passed out on Anastasia's shoulder. She has removed her blouse and only wearing a bra made of coconuts. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Okay! Okay! You know what!? I'm leaving! I'm out of here! Okay?

[ Jennifer gets out of her stool and steps in milkshake residue. ]

Jennifer Lopez: Ugh! I'm walking in milkshake!

[ Jennifer exits. ]

Anastasia Sticks: She was great!

Brady Trunk: She was great!!!

Anastasia Sticks: Sexy and so talented!

Brady Trunk: So tiny!

Anastasia Sticks: Love her, love her!

Brady Trunk: Tiny!

[ "HOLLYWOOD DISH" COMMERICIAL SPOT ]

[ SAME SOUNDSTAGE - DIFFERENT SET ]

[ Brady & Anastasia stand together. ]

Brady Trunk: Tonight on "Hollywood Dish", you want to tune in to find out: has J. Lo gone loco?

[ CUT TO: SEGEMENT OF JENNIFER SPOUTING NUMEROUS SPANISH PHRASES ]

[ SUPER: I LIKE TO HIT PEOPLE WITH MY CAR! ]

Anastasia Sticks: Plus, Mario Lopez shows you how you can get the perfect six-pack... on your face!

Brady Trunk: Tonight on "Hollywood Dish" !

[ Brady & Anastasia engage in cross-chatter. ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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