Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 35: Episode 14














09o: Jennifer Lopez

Eternal Spark of Love

Sean.....Jason Sudeikis
Michelle.....Jennifer Lopez
Narrator.....Kenan Thompson
Female Co-Worker.....Nasim Pedrad

[ open on exterior, office building ]

[ dissolve to interior, copy room ]

Sean: Back in the copy room, huh?

Michelle: Yeah. My boss has a conference coming up.

Sean: You're new here, right?

Michelle: Yeah! Yeah. I just started on Tuesday. I'm Michelle.

Sean: Hi. I'm Sean.

[ they shake hands, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Oh, yes! What do we have here? You know, I've heard office chit chats can often lead to office pitty pat! And I'm talking romance. Will two strangers take a chance on love? Let's watch.

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Sean: So, uh -- you work for Linda, right?

Michelle: Yeah. Yeah, she's got me working late already. I didn't come home until... 8:00 last night.

Sean: Oh... boy. that's, uh -- yeah. I hope your husband doesn't mind.

Michelle: Oh! I'm not married.

[ he holds his head up high, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Ohhhh, yeah! Now things are really cooking! Somebody preheat the oven to 69!

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Sean: You're not married, huh? Do you have a boyfriend?

Michelle: Uh, kind of.

Sean: Kind of?

Michelle: Yeah. I have, like, uh, fifty boyfriends.

Sean: Really?

Michelle: Yeah. They're my puppets.

Sean: Oh. You're like a man-eater, huh?

Michelle: Oh, no, no. They're real puppets. I'm a ventriloquist.

Sean: Oh.

Michelle: Yeah, I have a ton of puppets in my home. We do lots of things together: we talk, we sing, we have dance parties!

[ she motions her hips and laughs, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Okay, now wait a minute now. She says she's got fifty puppets for boyfriends... they've got dance parties. How does she make fifty puppets dance? I mean, I've heard of being FREAKY, but not TOO freaky. I don't understand --

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Sean: Wow! You're really into puppets.

Michelle: Yeah, they're my life. Oh, here! [ she reaches behind her ] One of them came to work with me today.

Sean: Came with you? You mean... you brought him, right?

Michelle: [ pulling an oversized puppet out of her bag ] I want you to meet Socrates!

Sean: Alright...

Michelle: Socrates loves to sing! [ singing as Socrates ] "I'm a big boy now, I'm a big boy now, and I wear big boy pants!"

[ she holds her pose, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides past the frame speechless ]

Narrator: No, wait, wait, wait! Wait! I got something. [ he slides back into frame ] I got something. [ he makes an attempt ] No, I don't have it. I don't have nothing.

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Sean: Well, that -- that's really fun.

Michelle: You think so?

Sean: Uh -- yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Michelle: [ she laughs ] Well, it's my real passion.

Sean: Uh -- gotta have a passion...

Michelle: I'm hoping to do shows for kids one day.

Sean: Oh, yeah? I-I love kids.

Michelle: You do?

Sean: Absolutely.

[ she smiles at him, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Oh yeah, back on track! They both like kids, and we all know there's only one way to make them! You see, love can be a -- [ he starts to slide out of frame ] Wait, wait, wait! Don't -- [ he's yanked out of frame and falls with a crash before jumping back to his feet ] Ahh! Come on, Jimmy! Seriously, man! Fifteen years of this, man, we can't get it right?! Come on, Jimmy! Reggie, you supposed to be helping him out!

[ he slides out of frame, as the scene resumes ]

Michelle: Well, if you like kids, I should show you my puppets. At least half of them are kids. They're so naughty!

Sean: They're naughty?

Michelle: Yeah. Sometimes I have to spank them!

[ the Narrator steps into frame ]

Narrator: What the damn? NO!!

[ he steps out of frame ]

Sean: Okay, well, uh, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and get back to my desk. I got a lot of work to do. But it's nice meeting you.

Michelle: Okay! Bye.

[ he exits the copy room, as a female co-worker enters ]

Female Co-Worker: Hey! Still in the copy room?

Michelle: Yeah. Yeah. It's just been a... rough day.

Female Co-Worker: Oh, Michelle, I'm sorry.

[ she wraps her arm around Michelle's shoulder, as the lights dim, sexy music pops up, and the Narrator slides into frame ]

Narrator: Oh, yeah! So much better! You see that, Jimmy? Yeah, you like that, right? Yeah. Real, real nice. [ he starts to be pulled out of frame ] No, no, wait, I want to watch this! No, don't pull me out! Wait! I want to watch this!

[ he slides out of frame ]

[ fade ]


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